Life, relationships, decisions... It's a mess... Any advice?

And that is an understatement. I have a high libido, I love sex. I have been with many girls, I'm not desparate. I want a monogomous marriage someday with kids and all.

Here's the problem. I've been engaged 3 times, never married. I've been in and out of a few relationships, I hate being alone. Yet with most of my ex's I start to feel trapped, consider other women (never cheated) and yearn for a life of freedom.

When I'm alone I want someone and I want it to mean something, to feel like I have that persons trust and love completely. In all my relationships I love the person back, care and give them any love and support they need to make them feel secure.

Now I got my girlfriend pregnant, it was planned. It only took a week or 2. Now I'm feeling trapped, our relationship has been pretty rocky, lots of fighting, I yearn for freedom. I think of being alone again and it freaks me out. I feel like I've made a huge mistake but I'm going to go along with it simply because I'd be a worm if I didn't. How could I be so stupid?

WTF do I do. How do I make sense of this without tearing myself apart? How can I stick to my decision? I'd never be able to walk away from it without a huge amount of guilt that would kill me... Sticking with it feels like it'd kill me... I think it's depressing me, what's wrong with me? Jeez.

I'm not suicidal, I've been in and out of depression like a yoyo for the past 10 years, I've contemplated it but I'd rather live a life of mysery than ever do it. She knows this... Is this how I'm doomed to spend my life? Questioning every decision I make?

Before anyone suggests it, I already have recieved professional help. I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. You can wikipedia it. Will I ever lead a normal life where I don't question each decision I make? If I could find the motivation I could do whatever I wanted to. I have an IQ of 139 and I'm good looking. Too stupid to figure my own life out though, stress clouds my judgement, I can't think clearly anymore. My mind is tearing me apart.

Anyway I know it sounds really morbid and pathetic, sorry about that. But it's chewing away at my soul. Any words of wisdom? Advice? A chew toy? Anything?

Thank you all for the responses. I've decided to be honest and put our relationship on hold. It's sad and most definitely not a proud moment for me. Better to pull a plaster fast than potentially because more damage in the long run and make us both miserable. For now I will focus on being alone, my career, my mental health, supporting her and the child if she chooses to go ahead and finding out who I am and what I want out of life.


Most Helpful Guy

  • You have an anxiety disorder.

    Everything else is fine. Seriously. Now the anxiety disorder is a big deal. But you describe your life as though there are a whole bunch of issues which must seem more overwhelming. But it's just that one. You DO seem to want a relationship. Having a child is amazing.

    Keep working in the anxiety. Your life is on track. Worry about sorting out your thoughts.

    • You almost make it impossible to argue and on the one hand I agree. But acting on impulse got me into this situation, if I don't make up my mind fast, it will fester in my head to the point I spend every waking moment wondering if I did the right thing. It wouldn't be fair on either of us. I don't want to spend most days irritable and arguing with her because I can't clarify things in my own mind. I think I need to be honest and get my life in order before uprooting both of our current lives.

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    • My gut feeling by the way is that you can't prepare in advance for handling the stress of a serious relationship and a kid. You have to go for it and then work on handling the stress when it happens.

      Is she a great woman?

    • They all say I've made remarkable progress, they say I have a lot of will power and not many people are able to pull through the way I have. I guess that's why they only put me on the AD's for 6 months, I'm considering going back on them though. She is a great person, I hate hurting her. It gets even more complicated though, she lives in another country, she'd have to completely uproot her life since we decided it'd be better to live in the country I live in. Ofcourse there is more to the story...

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 4

  • Firstly what age are you to have been engaged 3 times. You have no idea what you want from life and that's perfectly fine, I know 40 years olds that don't know either and they're some of the most interesting people I know.

    So you're girlfriend is pregnant and you're freaking out which as far as I'm concerned is a very normal reaction. But, just because she's pregnant doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life with her. You will have to support her for the rest of your life yes, but that doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with her.

    To me it seems like you rush into everything head first. Learn to slow down, not every relationship is going to be serious and what's wrong with being alone. If you're never alone then do you really know yourself and if you don't know yourself how can you know what you truly want. People put so much emphasis on relationships these days it'd like if you're single there must be something wrong with you. Relationships are over rated, they're damn hard work and can be stressful and over bearing.

    • Thanks for the reply, in a way is what I was hoping to read... I'm 24. I know pretty crazy right? I guess I'm scared to reach 40 and look back on a life with no sentiment or meaning. We're both to blame for it ending up in a pregnancy but I feel so angry that I couldn't see this coming. Don't I know myself by now? I thought it would change things, I thought it was what I wanted. You are right I do rush things along and it's pointless... I struggle to stay self motivated while single though.

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    • Seems almost like you know me. With that said I'm going to play some pool. Thanks for taking the time to reply, it has helped alot

    • No problem at all, take care of yourself

  • Well, first of all, I don't really think it's pathetic.

    Not all relationships are stable. I know I want a stable relationship, but you can't get everything you want. So basically, you have to make compromises.

    I'm pretty sure I don't have that disorder, but I can be extremely indecisive. I just get so many possibilities, and I simply have a lot of trouble choosing one or however many I'm allowed to use.

    I think, you should give your girlfriend some space. You'll get freedom and she'll feel free, too. Because your past fianc├ęs have all wanted some space, I think this will help a lot. Give yourself some free time, don't cram in every single spare moment with your girlfriend. If she loves you, she'll understand. Well, even if she doesn't (which would be terrible), she will understand if she wants freedom, too.

    Spend time with friends you can trust, for the reason stated above by yourself. Or your family. Have some fun!

    Hope this helped.

    • Thanks for the response, a lot of what you say is true and gives me something to think about. Except the space, in all relationships except one I broke it off or wanted space. It gets to a point where I feel as if I can't give what I feel I should be able to. I don't think she would mind giving me space but the main problem is the conflict in my mind.

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    • You're welcome :) I'm glad I could help.

    • Thanks for the compliment. :)

  • Honest advice: You're too fukkin young for this crap, RELAX

    • Also if its possible I hope she will take an abotion

    • I'm not sure if she will or not. That's her decision, but she might. On one hand she wanted a kid, she's had 2 miscarriages in the past, on the other she might not be willing to go through with all the strain... I'm not yet sure how I will take it but I won't influence her decision in any way.

    • @ update. Good for you. Good luck hun, breathe easy :o)

  • can completely relate. At 18 yr.s old I met my ex husband and had a baby when I was 19 yr.s old. I thought I knew it all! WRONG. I was in a miserable relationship by myself. When someone is physically there but not there mentally you are extremely alone. Even though we were technically married I was a single parent. Not what I signed up for. We opened a business when we were 26 yr.s. I worked opened to closed 7 days a week ( 9 am to 9 pm) where was he? Out and about living his life like he was single. He worked only when he was bored and it was slow! Along with his single attitude came women,lies,big boy toys and ABUSE all of kinds! He felt trapted and rebelled like a child! I felt trapted, depressed and alone! Trying to hold it together being a mother, wife, sucessful business owner and yup you guessed a home owner. I wanted out but was in over my head and drowning! Why because I didn't want to be alone and I had too much to lose. I worked my ass off and couldn't walk away. I took the abuse like a fool. There was only one safe way out and it had to be his idea. I had enough and just wanted to live my own life. I wanted nothing except my son. No house, business or no money! I finally got that oppertunity when I was 33 yr.s old. I still live in that house till the bank takes it back. Another story...anyway! Needed to be alone no drama and do sh*t for myself. Can't fight with anyone or feel hurt by them if your alone. Any commitment I felt trapt. I didn't and still don't make plans. Everyone deals with sh*t differently I guess! I made alots of friends and have a very active social life. I meet lots of guys but they become friends never anything more. I rather be alone than trapted! I really no joke accidently fell into a casual relationship 9 months ago. He is the type who also doesn't want to be trapt. That's what made me feel comfortable. I fell in love with him. He is so unlike anyone I've ever met. I told him 2 weeks ago after 9 months of whatever you want to call it. And he picked a fight with me while texting! There was diffently a misunderstanding or 2 and he texted he was deleting me from his cell and basically take care! All that because he didn't get his own way! There is more to it...he feels trapted because I said I love you! I don't want to get married. Idk...I guess I wanted to be exclusive and keep doing what we were. Talking or texting whenever and seeing each other 2 times a week when we are both free. Doesn't look like that's going to happen. I have been getting the silent treatment for 2 weeks. Nothing doesn't return my calls or texts. I am lonely and don't want to be! I realized what I have been missing for the last 5 yr.s I don't think he is gonna contact me again. Not gonna lie it hurts and I can't get him out of my damn head! My first adult relationship and I fall in love .I learned something...I didn't feel trapted and I am ready to not be alone but it has to be the right guy.

    • I couldn't give you anything but my story! The point in that is life is short and time slips away! No one can make you happy but yourself. Start over at 37 yr.s with no dating exp. Sucks! But life's exp. Is a crazy roller coaster and is priceless. For every action there a re action! You have to put yourself first sometimes. It might feel selfish but you won't have regrets. In past generations you had to get married if you got a girl pregnant. Not a good dad! That the most important thi

    • My mom had a simular story before she met my dad, she had 3 kids which my dad adopted. I guess it's never too late to start over and best I start putting things in order for myself now. Thank you for the response

What Guys Said 1

  • It sounds to me like you've got the same thing all men have... you just react to it in a more extreme way, probably because of the General Anxiety Disorder.

    All guys in a relationship feel this need to pull away, as they lose the sense of themselves as free single individuals.

    Usually though, they just pull away briefly. Get some alone time. Spend time with the guys or whatever. It's necessary, for the relationship to be healthy, that the man spends some time away from it.

    I think perhaps either you don't do that, and then snap/break. Or you feel the need to do it, and then you pull too far and kill the relationship to recapture that sense of freedom, instead of just enjoying it and returning.

    The situation you're in now, is that you have a baby on the way... and I'd be lying if I said that a bit of panic there was unnatural. All men feel this too... I'm not just talking about the doubts of being a good father- I'm talking about looking at your pregnant girlfriend as a great big anchor. A time and money sink. Someone that is now going to be in your life forever.

    No escape.

    We don't like to admit those feelings, but we have them.

    I'd suggest a couple of things - continue getting help for the GAD. Build up a strong social network for yourself, so that you can occasionally get some time away from the girlfriend, and learn how to be "single" within that relationship. Trust in your biology that you will bond with your child when its born, and that it will change the way you view everything, including the gf.

    Two roads diverged in the wood, and you're on one of them now. There's no going back.

    But you don't need to panic about that. (They were both heading towards the same ultimate destination anyway.)

    • I hear what you are saying but the main problem I have with this ideology is that if I do make a mistake it will because much more heartache in the long run. By being unsure and going ahead, I'm asking her to pick up her life and devote it to our relationship, as I will mine. It would get really messy if the relationship was not meant to be and we can't resolve our issues. I most definitely would love our kid but wouldn't want him or her to experience a home in the process of being broken