I have an amazing boyfriend who I love deeply, so why...

Sorry, this is a long one. My boyfriend and I have been together for most of six years. A year ago, we split up for six months because he got back into a drug habit and lied to me about it. He has worked really hard to get himself back on track, though, and we are giving it another chance.

For the past three months or so, we've had a pretty solid, supportive relationship. We're currently both in graduate school, doing well, etc. We share very little in common, yet, for some reason it has worked. He has Asperger's, which had been a bit of a problem throughout our relationship. Though he has said he can't really feel empathy for other people, he's a wonderful listener, and will make an effort to understand me on an analytical level when he can't understand me emotionally. He's very generous with going out with me to things I like. I'm a big ballet person, for instance, while he hates dance. If I went to a show every night, though, he'd be there with me without a second thought, and I try to be as generous as he is.

Nevertheless, something always feels "off" between us. It never feels like we have a shared experience together. Of course, this is the part where I bring in my other guy friend. While guy friend and I also have some differences of opinion, we are also have very similar personalities. Sometimes, it's almost like we have a weird empathy that is synced. One of us will be feeling horrible, for instance, and 9 times out of 10 the other will happen to call at exactly that moment to check in. We both come from abusive families (which is probably not the best foundation for a relationship, but it makes for a really strong friendship), have the same taste in most things, and can just talk for hours together about anything.

Sometimes, I can be crying openly in front of my boyfriend, and he won't realize that I'm upset. It's not that my boyfriend and I don't connect at all, it's just on a very analytical, cerebral level. Unfortunately, I also share that with guy friend. Oddly enough, my feelings about them are reversed than from the normal associations with these situations. Being with my boyfriend gives me a thrill, is exciting and challenging and uncertain. Whenever my friend walks into the room, on the other hand, I just get this feeling like I'm home, and like everything is going to be okay. I've tried to reconcile this by just being friends with my friend, but the truth is, I can't be around my guy friend consistently without feeling like I'm having the emotional part of my relationship with him, and the rest of the relationship with my boyfriend. My friend and I have been impeccably platonic in our actions.

We don't even hug anymore, because I'm afraid boundaries will get crossed too easily. But I'm not being completely honest to my boyfriend, and I know this. Help?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Be fair to both and pick a side. If your emotions get the best of you let go of both. What you (subconsciously) doing to both these men is not fair. Don't be THAT girl


Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • if you loved your boyfriend completely, you wouldn't be worried about crossing boundaries with someone else. it sounds like you've both tried really hard to overcome past problems, but that it isn't enough anymore. the emotional aspect of the relationship is what makes it different to a friendship. you've answered your own question, and it sounds like you know which guy you want to be with.


What Girls Said 1

  • Short answer is that if really love your boyfriend and you feel like there is a risk that you and your guy friend will cross a line, then you should stop hanging around him. If you insist on hanging out with your guy friend, then you need to realize that probably that is because you are getting something from him that you are not getting from your boyfriend and then you need to consider whether you really love your boyfriend or not.