Should it Be Mr Love-Me-But-Bore-Me or Mr Grass-Is-Greener?

My boyfriend and I have always had an up and down relationship but great sex and a lot of laughs for the first few years, he is probably the funniest person I know. Having been together for 10 years (bar a year and a half apart) I have always felt that I have made the majority of effort in the relationships i.e. always being the one to phone, to drive over to him 50 miles away when we lived apart every weekend, and the list goes on. His good points are that he is very funny and, to be honest, is company when I feel alone.

After he moved over to my town and we lived together I realized that he could be selfish, manipulative and childish and rarely seemed to want to do anything like go out for the day, cinema, holidays etc., just sit an surf on his laptop. Eventually I moved out to my own flat because the house we lived in was in his name (rented) and every time we had an argument he would threaten to throw me out or use that as a way to stop me challenging his bad behavior or failure to help with cleaning/cooking around the home.

I felt much better renting my own place, relaxed and free enough to still see him but know that I could feel happy living in my own place. We seem to get on better when he comes over at weekends but now I find that he just wants to come to my flat, sit and watch TV, and expects (although he doesn't ask me to) me to cook for him etc. He does not seem to have respect for me e.g. he will not remove his shoes when I ask him to when he is in my flat which doesn't seem major but I think if I ask him to, he should out of courtesy. I don't know what he wants from me, because he doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything in the way of having fun or a real relationship. What's worse is his car broke down 3 months ago and he has done nothing to fix it, yet expects me to pick him up from his house which is a mess and I hate being there, to come back to mine.

I feel taken for granted, trapped in my flat and frankly bored. In the last couple of months I have stopped having sex with him because I have lost the urge to and I don't know why. The sad thing is that I do love him but I don't understand where this relationship is going and he makes zero effort. On top of that I am ashamed to say that I have gone onto an online dating website, been on a couple of dates with a great guy behind my boyfriend's back. This guy has treated me so well, I cannot understand why he likes me, is attentive, ambitious, intelligent and interesting. We have ended up having sex as I got carried away when we went out, and now I am feeling extremely guilty and torn about whether to tell my boyfriend it's over or put an end to what could be the start of a really good relationship with a man who is pretty much everything you could ask for. I saw my boyfriend this weekend. I am so upset and guilty as I don't want to hurt him, yet I can't see how things are going to change and go back to 8 years ago when we had fun and were happy. Please help.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Talk about an example of no self-esteem!

    Get rid of the loser. You've dated for ten years? You're a place-holder in this man's life until he finds a woman he is really interested in. He doesn't take you out, expects you to cook/clean for him, and threatened to throw you out every time he didn't like what you said. Why are you still with him?

    You say you're with him because you love him, but clearly he's a place-holder in your life too because you've stopped sleeping with him and have returned to online dating.

    You've met a great guy who respects and appreciates you, but you can't figure out why? Work on your own self-esteem, because until you love yourself you'll never really be able to find someone to truly love you. Mr. Wonderful will stick around long enough to figure out you secretly hate yourself and then he'll start to question why he's with you.

    The fastest way you could lose 200lbs is to dump the loser. Toss him out on HIS ass. You're not property, nor do you owe him anything. Keep working on yourself, and keep dating the nice guy.

    You are definitely old enough to have this one figured out on your own. This really is a no brainer.


Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • Your self-esteem is too low. Dump the low-life and get someone good for you. Love is sharing.


What Girls Said 1

  • I wouldn't try to jump into a new relationship with a random guy from online. You don't know anything about the guy -- he could just be messing around for a quick fix, since y'all have already jumped into bed. You're being too idealistic to think that the perfect relationship is right around the corner, if only you dump your boyfriend. Everybody seems "awesome" the first few weeks, right? If you dump your boyfriend, do it because you feel like he doesn't put any effort into the relationship and then be smart about making good decisions before jumping right into another one.

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