Why am I less successful with women than I probably should be?

I don't want to sound conceited, and I'd never say this in person, but on here I can just be real...I'm a good looking guy. I'm not a model or anything, but I have people (girls and guys alike...often STRAIGHT guys) tell me fairly frequently stuff like "I swear you get better looking every time I see you" or whatever. I'm definitely not flawless, and I don't think I'm out of the ordinary good looking. Basically, I don't want to give the impression that I think higher of myself than I should, I think I have a good idea where I stand. I figure when people tell me I look good when I'm not asking or fishing for compliments, I at least look OK and my looks aren't going to be a major issue most of the time, individual women's "types" notwithstanding. I'd give myself a 7.5, maybe an 8 on a good day.

My personality is VERY good if you ask me. I think I have a perfect balance, especially in the sense of what I THINK women want. I'm nice, but I can fight (for good reasons, mostly protecting a girl) and people think I'm tough. But I'm also the first guy to try to diffuse a violent situation, I'm all about good times. I'm a gentleman, but I'm also not a stiff. People think I'm funny, and they love when I tell my long anecdotes, often by request. I'm a well-liked guy, and I'm confident and comfortable in social situations.

The best evidence I have of how I'm perceived by the opposite gender came a few months ago. I had hung out with this girl once (who had asked me out). I saw her again a month or so later (she lives out of state) when she came back to town, and she asked me to come to a party she was going to when I got out of work. At the party, she was very into me. At one point she says, '" so, I was talking to some of the girls [that I work with that know me] and I was telling them how we had hung out. And they all said [XXXXX] is a GREAT guy...and he's HOT!" " And this girl is BANGIN', so f*cking HOT, lol. So the girls I DO attract are beautiful, but why don't I attract a higher percentage when I'm capable of doing it?

The thing I suck at is walking up and starting a conversation and holding it. It seems like every time I talk to a random girl, I get IMMEDIATELY shut down. Not rudely, they just don't seem interested. Why is that, if I'm supposedly hot and a great guy? Why wouldn't my looks get my foot in the door once in a while? Obviously, I'm not perfect, but I feel like my first impression before the shine wears off should be pretty good, and that should work in the pick-up game. And the same girl that shuts me down almost invariably ends up hooking up with some clown that I think brings less to the table. Overall, I do OK, I just feel like more women should approach me, and that I should get turned down less than the way it actually happens. I just don't get it.

Thoughts? Comments? Advice?

PS: Again, please don't think I'm conceited, I don't talk this way about myself normally, it's just for the purpose of this question.

Just to be clear, I really only brought looks up to say that they're not a problem. Whether my looks are good, great, or outstanding, I'm more trying to stress that I'm at least OK looking and I don't think that's the issue.

And the way I approach women is pretty conservative. I'm more of the type to just be real and talk to girl like I would anyone, but still subtly make it known that I'm available. I tend to go against the old-school game of the guy chasing the girl. I like a girl who...
...goes after what she wants. It tends to land me in relationships with strong, smart, but stubborn girls. Straight hard-headed, lol. I have a long list of fiery Latina women on my dating resume, lolol...


Most Helpful Girl

  • The following may sound harsh on first read-through, but I'm writing it all in a positive tone simply to help you see a couple of things that women do tend to complain/worry about. You're probably a great guy. :-) Okay, here goes:

    There's something about the way you look when you are approaching that is a turn-off. I can't pin-point it without a specific play-by-play of how you've approached on three or four different occasions, the responses, etc.

    Possibly the notion that you think so much of yourself is evident and some of the women you approach see it as cocky or obnoxious. Consider the personalities of the women who DO connect with you. Are they sort of weak and subservient, unopinionated and waiting for you to make up their minds for them? The women who reject you, what do they all have in common?

    If you can't point specifics about the women you're approaching, you're possibly more interested and involved in your own thoughts than in what they are looking for.

    Hang in there. Just take a closer look at what's going on around you and you should be able to figure the issue out.

    • Lol, no, I appreciate the honesty. Here's one recent example from two nights ago. I'm at a party, and this cute girl next to me is putting on chapstick, and she says to me, "Do you want some?" and I say, "Sure.", and as I put it on she says, "I only share with people who look clean." and I said, "Me too." and we smiled. (really exciting story so far, I know, lol) Somewhere we got distracted by the crowd and we didn't talk again until later. At that point, I was rolling a joint and she was...

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    • ...anything weird going on, like a weird voice or speech impediment, or f*cked up teeth, bad breath, any of that, lol. An hour later she's on the couch with some dude with his shirt open and his nipple rings hanging out, lol, and he's all layed out with her, and she wasn't all over him really, but was a lot more friendly than she was with me. But as a general rule, I don't even chase women, I let the more aggressive women come to me, and pick and choose from them.

    • Well, first it's the weed. It actually lowers libido. It gets you all dopey but not particularly randy. She liked you or she wouldn't have shared the chapstick. You should have offered to get her a drink or snack or something. When you left, she may have presumed you weren't interested, and when you returned with the weed, she wanted the weed...

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What Girls Said 4

  • I think the problem here is the way that you approach women. Looks are always helpful; a girl needs to be attracted to a guy that she will be seeing. But frankly, we can't tell if you're a nice guy until we get to know you. So don't assume that everyone can just read it on your face.

    When you're approaching women, the key is to be subtle. Start a conversation, talk about something going on around you, ask her about her life. If you have a connection with some girl, wait a few minutes (at least) before asking to buy her a drink or asking for her number.

    Girls don't like to feel that a guy is trying to seduce or trick them into giving out their number. Take genuine intrest into what she's saying, rather than just trying to talk long enough to get into her pants. We can tell. Complimenting a girl on her intellect/style/choice of music/etc is much more appealing than getting the good old "You're beautiful. Mind if I buy you a drink?" There's nothing as unappealing as knowing that you've used a line on other girls, because it suggests that all of the girls are the same in your eyes. Take interest in HER personality, and yours will shine.

    Good luck!

  • I'm going to keep it simple and to the point:

    No matter how beautiful you are, the world of women is not that shallow to fall at your feet because of it. We may look at you and think "yeah he's cute" but it doesn't mean we'll give a second look or approach or respond, because maybe we have other things going on or aren't into you like that for whatever reason. Looks really are NOT everything. And what they are is subjective so you may be society cute but to us we just ain't digging it because we need a guy with a crooked eyebrow or whatever else! Ultimately being "good looking" doesn't mean anything since most people in society are "normal" and not exactly beauty queens so they do genuinely look for personality in order to develop a liking for someone.

    I don't want to sound harsh because I understand where you're coming from. I am kinda the female version, but I realized recently it doesn't matter how pretty or good looking you are, people aren't going to waste time trying to get in or get to know you unless you give them a reason to and stand out whether it be for your friendliness or humour or whatever.

    When you approach these girls you are just another guy who has done it. We don't know you, so regardless of your looks we will likely shut you down. Keep in mind the setting... are you approaching at a gym or in public or at a bar? We are in different mind frames in different places. What are you saying to them? We can sense when someone is genuine and someone we'd get along with, intuitively. If a guy approaches me I can usually tell if he's into the club scene or this or that and I respond accordingly... no point in wasting his or my time if I know I am not into him.

    And if you are very good looking, except less women to approach you..intimidation factor and thinking you are already taken or whatever.

  • Oh, you know what, also if you really like a girl, be persistent (that's what not so good looking people do...Kidding! Lol) If you are hot, some girls won't be willing to make it easy for you, just 'cause they know you know you are cute...so they could make you work for it, you know? There's a saying in my home country, it goes "The luck of the ugly, the beauty desires it" means that when you are beautiful you are not expecting no for an answer, so it's pretty easy to feel rejected and "abort" your mission just to preserve the ego...people who doesn't consider themselves as being good looking, take rejection for granted so they keep on going...that's why they succeed at the end (like nipple ring guy Lol). And let's face it, most girls wants to be pursued at least a little bit. You don't have to be ugly to be persistent anyway, just confident.

    So my advice is don't take your self too seriously, keep trying it's not the end of the world if a couple of girls say no, don't get discouraged because of it...on the contrary take it as part of the seduction game ;) Hope it works out for you!

    • that's a great saying! I gotta remember that one, that's deep. I suppose that's right, I think I feel rejected pretty easily. I was pretty popular with girls in junior high and high school, and it came pretty easy, just because at that age we go for superficial qualities. I did pretty well in college too, probably due in part to all the alcohol, haha. but I think 3 or 4 times in college, girls came up and just started making out with me without even saying a word to me, and I guess it just...

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    • Alright, alright...don't get cocky on me ok...or show pics.. :P hahaha

    • Now, seriously I think I understand where you are coming from, and even though you may sound conceited I think it's good you are wondering and see that sometimes you may worry too much and don't see that you had it good...;) relax and enjoy!

  • The only thing I can think of, it's that good looking people can be a little bit intimidating sometimes so maybe a girl talks to you comfortably when she doesn't know your intentions yet, but then when she noticed you are interested things change and she could get self conscious. Plus, if you are a good looking guy and you say you usually go for a girl that knows what she wants and goes for it, makes sence because you are probably used to that, the attention and the compliment. And it's fine, it's logical, just don't expect every girl to be like that with you. Cause maybe they want to be but they are not brave enough to do so. So keep that in mind when you approach a girl and know that insecurities can also play a part in their response.


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