I like drama too much....

and I don't know how to stop. I live on the thrill... of being on the edge of my seat and telling people about it. but it's for mundane things. I get worked up over the littlest things that can easily be talked and worked out. but I'd rather pout, yell, etc. and get a pity party going for me. and I wonder why I don't have any friends.

it's always been hard to make friends for me I guess. I have a basic understanding that everyone is different from me, but I have a subconcious belief I can 'change' them and if I become their doormat, they'll like me and keep me around. same thing vice versa. I don't understand the people who just genuinely want to get to know my personality, and I end up driving them off so quickly from the drama. take my last relationship. I'd literally pick fights just to get my point across and get that adrenaline running through my veins. just to see how much the person cared. and he did, a lot. and I did open up to him a lot. but at any instance he tried to be himself and show him, I'd shut it down because it wasn't the ideal I was looking for. that's so horrible, because we were great, when my marbles were all in the same bag. but I kept ruining them with complaints, pity parties and stupid fights. I'd ask for endless advice for this and that and over analyze everything, but in reality still lacking the inner confidence and poise to go through things calmly and rationally like a normal human being. that makes me nervous.

who am I to tear people down for who they are when I don't even have myself together half the time. I only have myself together, vicariously, when I'm 'needed' and on my own, I'm just like a giant question mark. nothing is of 'my own' it's just by what other people tell me. and I never fully experience things, I believe, because of my perpetual unhappiness, and the wanting to please that I set myself up for failure. I'm so shy and nervous and self concious it's horrible. I'm so afraid to open up and be my normal self, so I just resort to saying and doing things to get attention. please and appease the masses. and it sucks because I know at the end of the day, no one respects me. and it's kind of the same in vice versa. I'm so afraid to stand up and be myself, most people have a hard time understanding me because I flip flop to whatever's going on. I've lost really good people in my life because of it.

how can I steer away from the stupid drama?


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  • I think you should try to be friends again with your friend that cared about you if possible. You could try apologizing to him and talking to him about it if he still wishes to be your friend. I feel like it would be good for you to have at least one good friend before you start branching out to make other friends. When you try to get to know someone new, don't shut them down because they aren't ideal for you. If you continue to do this, you're going to be really lonely because ideal people don't exist. It could also help for you to imitate confident people- fake being secure until it becomes a part of you.

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