How or can we improve our relationship?

We've been dating 3.5months, I'm 31, she's 26. And I love this girl to death because she's so incredibly sweet, gentle, patient, and she is the polar opposite of me in many ways. I'm very A type personality, outgoing, highly wound, and she grounds me. That however is a part of my struggle, I am very emotional and communicative, also very affectionate physically and she is not. I am usually the one making the first move, first to say I love you or initiate sex. She doesn't run up and hug me if she misses me and I would love that. She also is texting a lot of the time when we are together and I feel she should leave that for another time, it's rude!

I've spoken to her about the communication thing and physicall affection thing twice and she told me she was brought up in a home where no one ever even so much as hugged! I'm doing my best to be understanding and patient, waiting for her to come out of her shell. I've also spoken to her about the 5 love languages but she doesn't know what hers is...I don't think she knows herself or what she wants which is freaky since I know what I want. She has improved slightly, and wrote me a wonderful birthday card explaining what she feels and it meant so much to me! Her friend also spoke to me about her and that I just need to give her time...

What do I do? Is time really going to help us? I'm mixed with love, hurt, isolation, etc...I really care about her but I want to feel that she loves me too. I know that I have why insecurities and am impatient, no doubt those are things I am working on...

Serious responses only please, this is incredibly personal


Most Helpful Girl

  • Get her to take a test and figure out what her love language is. link

    I think time would help as well, and if her friend also validated that, then trust it. And as you can see, she did improve with the card as well. I actually dated a guy who didn't tell me he loved me until 11 months into the relationship. 3.5 is nothing haha, and I'm very much like you, super physical and affectionate. But I thought he was worth it and I waited.

    What's important to remember, is that you should not feel hurt or isolated because of the way she is. That's just her, and obviously her love language is different than yours but it doesn't mean that she doesn't care for you immensely. Work on it together, and if somehow you find that you CANT deal with her way of expression, next time you will know.

    • I suppose 3.5 isn't that long... I just don't want to waste my time if it isn't meant to be. Ie is it an investment or am I lying to myself? I love this girl and I think she's worth my patience, no matter how tough that may be

    • Well if you believe that then trust yourself. =) no one else is a better judge (unless you're completely unrealistic and delusional)

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • Wow, I am impressed.

    I think you have done everything you can do. You have talked to her and you have told her how you feel.

    I know this may sound mean, but because you seem to be making some great sacrifices for her sake, I feel she should be willing to make more sacrifices for you- as in coming out of her shell and showing you more affection.

    I know she may be shy, but that's what being in a relationship is about. It's about being "open", it's about letting go of yourself, so that you can be about the other person.

    What to do? She needs to get to know herself more. She needs to know what she wants and where she stands in the relationship. She needs to know that for herself so that she make choices that coincide with her place and/or position, while at the same time, be flexible enough to accommodate you, without losing her position and herself. Confidence in herself is key in this process. That applies to you as well, but you are already a master at that I see.

    Is time going to help you? I unfortunately can't answer that. That's going to take both of your efforts for that. That means she is going to have to step up in the relationship like you have.

    You have a right to feel what you do. I would feel all those things too.

    I hope this helps. I hope everything works out.


What Guys Said 1

  • Three and a half months into it and you expect these things from her. Could that be the issue? Too soon, too fast? I don't know if you had rapport prior to dating but 3 months just doesn't sound like a long time.