Would you put up with this?

I've been with my girlfriend for a year now. I am really good to her (gifts, attention, chores, spend time with her family, very agreeable: I make a big effort because that's who I am). Anyways, we are both 25 and party to some degree (drinking, a bit of drugs... nothing crazy, but weekly for her and occasionally for me). However... She goes out to her guy friend's house to listen to him (and others sometimes) jam on their guitars and supplies them with coke (they're all unemployed) and stays over there until like 9 am or noon the next day... She was doing this before I met her so I never asked her not to, though I told her I won't stick around very long if she continues to stay out THAT late (3 or 4 am is okay with me)... so would you put up with that?

Sorry I should add that: The morality of drug use is not at issue (to me).

Perhaps though, supplying them with an expensive drug while giving me trouble about every dollar I spend (on the ocaisional fancy beer or car part) is a bit of an issue.
a couple months ago I sat her down and said: "babe, it's your life, I don't control you. You were doing this before I met you. However, it does not fly with me and I can't continue this relationship if you want to do this so badly" and she got upset like I was attacking her and then after thinking about it she said, "i agree with you I don't want to stay out that late any more" then she continued to do it... but tomorrow morning when she comes home in a cab I need to tell her what I think?
Thanks for all your opinions!


Most Helpful Girl

  • awe dude.. No way haha.. The way I see it is you have been together for a year and you seem to be great to her and her not so great to you.. IT comes down to three things

    1. It bugs you period.. So she should be putting effort in stopping just for the sake of not wanting to make you feel that way.

    2. She sounds like she may be addicted and needs some help. So try and help her but don't be a push over about it. Coke is a very powerful drug and she is probably not even aware she is addicted to it in the first place but if she is getting defensive and acting like you are "attacking" her and you really did say it how you say you did then she's addicted.. I watched my cousin go through the same thing with the same drug and he reacted the same way first defensive and upset then he would say he would stop and never did... She doesn't want to face it so she is for lack of a better term using you. And when I say that I truly don't think she is doing it on purpose but she probably wants to keep her addiction and you.

    But now I'm rambling so finally 3. If you try to help her which I can tell you care about her so I wouldn't just throw your relationship away IF she is addicted it will be a hard walk but it will work is SHE is willing to make an effort as well as you are but if it fails and she isn't willing to try then say goodbye.. You have to think to yourself is this who I want to mother my children, is this who I want to marry, and is this something I can deal with for the rest of my life and when I say this I mean the person she is being right NOW so no answers like "well yes it is BUT" there can't be any buts.. Its a yes just how she is or its a no.

    But I really think helping her is the best or at least trying to help her before its to late...


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What Girls Said 3

  • It sounds to me like your girlfriend has an addiction. In my opinion drug use is unacceptable, especially if you plan on having a future or family with this person one day. Think of the long term and the consequences that you could face or what you could get sucked into if this progresses. You seem like a decent guy with a big heart, you deserve more than having to worry about what your girlfriend is out doing until 9 am the next morning. Eventually the well will run dry and maybe this guy is even asking her to do "other things" in order to keep the party going. I don't mean to upset you, but you aren't there so you have NO CLUE what is really going on. If you care about this girl you will tell her it is time to remove herself from this dead end situation, and get her help. I'm not a hypocrite either...I've been there myself. My ex and I were into "partying" and many other issues come out of it in the long run. I'd never do it again. Make sure you take care of yourself.

  • I wouldn't put up with what you say your OK with lol occasional drugs will eventually lead to addictions not to mention other things that would go on in that atmosphere. I would set down and tell her how it makes you feel, not angrily but calmly. Your relationship will never last if this continues. Maybe counseling would be a good option.

    • But it sounds to me that she is using more than just occasionally and it is causing problems in your relationship which should bother you

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    • exactly, and I think, perhaps, the life style is the root, and drugs, music, no responsibility, are all part of that. her friends are low lives (her words), but she is comfortable with them because they are good musicians and don't judge

    • I agree with iloveyou1993 she just isn't ready to settle down and be a woman and not an immature girl

  • You sound like a really good boyfriend with a not so great girlfriend.! If you already had asked her to stop she should have listened if she really cared/loved you she would have. When you love someone your whilling to give up everything and anything for them for things to work. She shouldn't put herself into a situation where she wouldn't want to see you. How would she feel if she was in your shoes and you were in hers I don't think she would put up with the bullsh*t you both are adults she should grow up if she don't want a serious relationship she shouldn't be in one. You seem like your very serious about her, but its like you don't really matter to her she rather do what she wants then do the advice you gave her. She needs to put effort into your relationship if she wants it to work out its a two way street not a one way! Maybe she just isn't ready to settle down yet.

    • Thats exactly how I've been feeling. I even told her that I can't live that life or be with someone who wants to live that life, but she told me she wants to change and move out of town, etc. etc., so I have just been being patient... with no concret expectations mind you.

    • She shouldn't have to move out of town to change.! She should easily be able to drop her friends for you if she really cared enough about you or was serious enough about you.! It's like she rather party then give a crap about what you have to say about it.

What Guys Said 1

  • i don't think that timing is here a problem. she has her own life, she needs some me time. I don't see the problem here.

    and I don't really understand why would you care about that...

    i think you should be worried just about the fact that she's a cokehead and alone with another cokehead. how much time she speeds there is completely irrelevant.

    i like coke. I do it here and there. good stuff. but you know what? I like to f*** when I'm on coke. I mean really, really like to f***.

    • me too... So you should understand why I have a problem with it... "trust is the foundation of a relationsip" but when someone is contantly pushing those boundaries... you would not feel uncomforable with your girlfriend spending the night (10pm to 12 noon) at some dudes house (his roomies MAY be around)...

    • Show All
    • i think that you need to step up. seriously.

      again, I don't know why are you so concerned about the timing. it's irrelevant. you have other - bigger - problems.

      the first big problem is that you're too nice to her.

      the second big problem is that she's hanging out with that guy.

      the third big problem is that she's a cokehead (if she does it every week).

      the fourth big problem is that she's obviously a taker, not a giver (spending all that cash on coke and then complaining about your beer)

    • the point here is that she's not a quality woman. and if you think you can change her, you're wrong. you find that on your own already when she broke her word she won't do it again.

      so yeah, I honestly don't think you have any chance to turn things around. the possibility is so small that I think it would the just a waste of time and nerves.

      with people is like this; what you see is what you get and no rationalizing will help.

      find a new one, buddy. don't spend your time torturing yourself.

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