Being your normal self around girls you're interested in? Need tips!

Hello all, thank you for your time and responses.

I have this big problem and it has really cursed me for a long time. Whenever I don't have feelings for someone of the opposite gender, I am completely calm, funny, charming, spontaneous, etc. But when I do have feelings for someone, I tense up, struggle to make convo, and sometimes (this is the worst) I have difficulty seeing the line between making convo and hovering around them too much. The last thing I want to do is make it look like I'm following them around like a lovesick puppy...

I know this can be a normal thing for a lot of people, but does anyone have ideas on how to fix this? Thank you!


Most Helpful Guy

  • Yup. It's funny, normally I love butterflies. They're so colorful and small. But the moment they're in your stomach, they get seriously p*ssed off and aren't afraid to f*ck things up.

    I think it might be worse these days to some extent, too. It seems like a guy used to come up with flowers and tell a girl she was beautiful, and that was flattering. Now, similar things are considered creepy or predatory. And a new term, "sexualization", has been used to describe finding a girl sexy as being a hate crime.

    I'll bet you about 90% of the romantic gestures in "romance novels" and "chick flicks", if done in real life, will land you with a slap on the face, and a women who feels deeply insulted.

    So it's really hard to be yourself when you're deeply attracted to a woman, and want to show it before someone else takes her from underneath your nose. It's like "I have to make a move" but at the same time "If I make a move, I have to be asexual about it. I have to act like sex isn't somewhere on my mind, even though it's natural for it to be there." Etc. Etc.

    Next thing you know, you seem either avoidant or apologetic, and are thus labeled as a "nice guy".


    Also, the hard thing about being yourself around a girl, is you have to face who you are. If you regret certain aspects of yourself, or feel she would be uncomfortable about those aspects, it makes you want to pull up a mask so you can show only the side of yourself that you KNOW she'll approve of.

    Try to get used to avoiding this train of thought. Remember:

    "The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel."

    You're comparing your worst traits to her best ones, so you feel like you're made of flaws and she's made of perfection. You have to acknowledge that she deals with faults just like you, and just like everyone else in the world. By taking her off the pedestal, you actually end up respecting her more.

    "...Say you Love me how I am. You love the way I fit some ideal, not the real woman you've yet to understand. See, love ain't all heaven and I am no angel." -Esperanza Spalding (One of my favorite songs of hers.)

    It's hard at first, but you have to let yourself screw up and goof up, and not take yourself too seriously. It's like giving her permission to screw up as well, and puts the two of you at ease.


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What Girls Said 3

  • It's tough to be yourself around someone who have a crush on because you get nervous while talking to them. Why don't you try doing over Facebook or texting first so you don't have to directly look at them when you guys are talking. It makes things a lot easier. Plus if you react in a certain way, the other person won't see it. If you can get the person to know you a bit online then it will be easier to make conversation in person. Good luck! I hope this is helpful :)

    • Haha, I've tried this one before. It's good for breaking the ice, but once you meet face-to-face afterward, it always feels awkward, like you have to break the ice yet again.

      Its kinda like...have you ever had a close, personal discussion with one of your friends online, then you try to continue the conversation in person?

  • I really wish I did...I do the same thing and it pisses me off that I can't fix it.

  • Man I'm going through it now, I was just around one of my friends like that . We use to play all the time, We still do but now it just seems we're both nervous as times. Our weekend was so strange , I want to ask him about it but I can't . I'm just like you , I don't no how to go about it.


What Guys Said 7

  • You'll always feel a bit uneasy around your crush, this is normal, but there are a few things that can help.

    First have a game plane. Think about anytime you had to do something nerve racking. Like give a speech. How did it feel when you practiced the speech numerous times? How did it feel when you were winging it? I'm sure you felt much less nervous when you came well prepared. What I'm saying is when you go on dates or even just hanging out in groups, try and already have an idea of things you want to say or talk about. Think about how you are going to act and rehearse the situation in your head. That way you feel a bit more prepared and as a result, more calm.

    Practice with platonic friends. Learn to flirt or just run game on girls you don't really want. Don't over do it obviously and send mixed signals. But start practicing how yo should interact with girls that are low stakes games. You would learn to play poker at a $1000 minimum bet table would you? Start talking to every girl like you are trying to pick her up and soon it will just become part of your normal self. It then takes the thought process out of it. When dealing with your crush, you will naturally do and say the right things, because subconsciously, its simply who you are. This obviously takes time. Can be a year or two before you fully embrace this change. It's not something you just practice over the course of a weekend.

    Practice online or with texting. I really hate to promote this kind of stuff but I think it does have its advantages, especially for nervous and inexperienced guys. a few years ago I used to be really nervous and reserved around women. I was always afraid of looking like a creeper or offending someone. Flirting and talking to girls online helped me to practice without the nerves that come with being face to face. Believe it or not, but when I tried online dating, it actually helped me break out of my shell a bit because it helped me over come my anxiety. Even online I was afraid to send a simply hello to a girl. Soon I was firing out messages left and right because I just didn't care about rejection. Not that I'm running game left and right in person, but it helped me realize that I don't have to worry so much about creeping a girl out or offending her. That there is nothing wrong with a friendly conversation and it just got me used to talking with strangers. Texting works in the same way in that you can practice your flirting without having to be face to face, and you also have more time to think about what you want to say. Once things become more natural, you'll be able to act the same way in person. Not just text.

    • Thanks. Extremely well put. Also, freaking awesome profile pic. Lol.

    • Np. Lol yeah saw that on the internet a few months back and loved it too.

  • I do the same or more in the past did the same. I changed though and still learning. You have to get the feelings out of your head, and remember she will never get to give you a chance if you only show her feelings versus show her your true personality. Even worese if you keep following her like a puppy dog with your tail between your legs she will distance herself from you and run or make excuses every time you're around that will lead to her telling other girls how creepy or annoying you are.

    Women go for and want a man who can be himself around anybody but more so with her. Remember by being that way putting your feelings first and not being yourself you are being someone you're not. You're not giving yourself a chance to be happy and make a girl happy.

    Just realize you can do this, be positive it takes time but you want to talk to a woman you like and at the same time make her laugh. If you're always serious and quiet around her she'll be bored and will put you in the hi and by friend zone.

    You have to put it in your head she is a girl. Make sure she shows you feelings to it'll be your way to know if you are doing good or not. If not you'll keep repeating history and life is too short. If you can be yourself that you don't have feelings when she is around and view her as another person you'll do good. Take the feelings home when you're alone. Man up don't be a nice guy or school boy with a crush you'll get nowhere fast.

  • Well, there is a book called the games people play I think -

    To summarise one chapter for you, the person who cares less in a relationship always wins.

    So the moment you care too much (ie. more than her), you are going to get jacked.

    Which is not the same as saying you should never trust anyone or never fall for a girl.

    But you need to match your interest to the same level that the girl is showing towards you. Which requires frequent reassessment and fine tuning. That way if she doesn't care you can leave unscathed, emotionally. And if she really likes you, then you are in a win win situation - you can either choose to like her back, or you can say, na sorry, and still walk away feeling good about it.

    • Also, it is a matter of statistics - if you only approach one girl at a time, however she reacts it would seem very important to you.

      I suggest you make yourself a pact - "I promise I will ask 10 girls for numbers and a date everyday". I bet you if you did this experiment your problem will magically disappear.

  • Hm, do you talk to a lot of women in general? If not, try talking to women more and becoming more accustomed to them as a whole. It could help when it's crunch time and a pretty girl walks by.

    However, if you are already talking to women in general and just having trouble talking to a pretty girl. Try picking one out and spending more time talking to her or running into her (like if she works at a spot, come around a bit more, however, talk to her at your only convenience, don't go out of your way). You have to practice and get accustomed to it.

    Also, try and adapt a mentality that even if you embarrass yourself, it's not the end of the world. This girl is no better than you, she's just a girl, and it's not the end of the world.

  • well people tense up because they get nervous, which makes them feel uncomfortable. If you hover around them, their phone or anything else, and freak out over tiny things, it sends of signs of desperation and being 'needy' which leads to stupid games for stupid people of playing 'hard to get'. If I like someone, I'm not going to kiss their ass, make them feel extra special, or go out of my way for them, by 'like' I mean attracted. I'll talk to them as I would any one else, and I don't expect anything. I start with just getting to know them and talking about normal things I'm interested in, or asking them about their interests. Don't follow people around. Don't make them the Object you revolve around, let them revolve around you. You do things YOU ENJOY. IF I want to go shooting at a target range, that's what I'm going to do. I won't ask what they're doing and try to hang out with them every chance I get, I'll hang out a few times if they're doing something they enjoy, or if they're grabbing coffee, but then I'm going back to my own program. I make time for others, not vice versa. Put some value in your life, and don't give free time stamps like its a wellfare check. Keep yourself busy, even if you're doing nothing but say watching your favorite TV show, you're still doing something, you're enjoying your time.

    I send text messages off to random people, and ask something I want to know, and have a point to the conversation. I don't ask meaningless questions usually. "do you like malts? What's your favorite TV show?" "oh you like that show to.. well how about we go grab some malts later and we can watch it together?" Have a plan. Everything has to have a point.

  • You should only met girls you MIGHT wanna see.

    That way you will always be in control and be attractive.

    In order words, only be with girls who persue you.

    Of course there is a way to fix this and that's to convince your self that hot girls has if not more issues then the average girls. Plus feelings are not facts. Just feelings.

    Also, stop masturbating, that should spike your teston-levels up and take your manliness to the next level.

  • Impossible.