Why can't I say no to guys?

Dating

I don't know what it is but I always feel so powerless, or like I have to please the guy. Luckily I've kept myself away from situations, but being in college, I find myself getting into these scenarios. I didn't like the first guy, but I ended up kissing him because I didn't want to be rude and shove him away. I pretended to choke or something so I could get out of the kiss, then weedled my way away until he left. Next guy, pulled me over and planted one, then he started getting touchy and I tried to get away, but he was 6 foot 5 and kind of walled over me. I felt so very uncomfortable, but I let him touch me down there and just waited for him to stop. I ended up breaking down in the third guys apartment, completely in tears because I felt so dirty when he tried actual sex with me. Final guy who I am currently sort of with, actually doesn't make me feel so uncomfortable, but I end up wanting to be alone and away from men altogether. Even when he's holding me warmly as we sleep, I feel like I'm no use to him but what I can do with my body. Once again, there was no date, or sweet lingering kiss. Ended up running away from him and feeling like sh*t. I told him I can't handle this feeling of disgrace and being trapped by guys.

He was cool with it, and I figured he would just move on to another girl, but we ended up kissing again. This time I actually initated it because we had gotten closer being friendly. Now I feel the same...a little worse. My heart feels nothing and I know he feels nothing for me as well. I can't open myself up to him, only sexually, and I thought it would be right this time. It won't ever be. I feel disgusting and I'm not worthwhile at all to any guys. Never pretty enough, or warm enough, or supportive enough. I feel numb and heartless when I'm suppose to be falling for guys or at least being infatuated. They're attractive to me no doubt, but I can't find their heart. They're the same. All the same. Talk a sweet game as if they're any different, but it's rarely true. I always see that lust that makes me worthy for the moment, the same indifference for me as the man who molested me years ago.

But I can't scream, I can't beg, I can't fight or cry. It's usually over after a while. And that's all I look forward to. Then I can run away and bleed in silence. So they'll never see how much they really hurt me.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • have you tried seeking professional help? because otherwise you will end up hating men all together and that's not how it should be.. there are really nice men around too, who are supportive, caring and loving! its really unfortunate that you experienced such an incident but don't let it get to you.. stop feeling disgusted of your self! your a lot more stronger than that I'm sure.. Right now you seem in that state that its better if you don't date for sometime, take some time out for your self! do some soul searching, hangout with friends and just enjoy life as a whole and stop thinking about men for a while.. don't let the past ruin your present or your future! you are young and you have a lot of things to look forward to in life!

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    • I'm going to tomorrow. For sure this time. I'm so embarassed and don't want to feel so awful as I do when I have to talk about it. But I can't deal with this either. I want to be able to fall in love, and I want to be able to be strong again. Only problem, is I don't know what to do about the guys now. One just came back and asked me to date him this weekend, the one I'm with...i don't know how to tell them I need to figure myself out?

      Reply

    • to be honest I think you should take a break from guys for a while, otherwise you will keep on feeling this way.. try making guy friends and get to know them rather than going on dates! that way you'll get to see there's a lot more to a man than just trying to be physical with women! and you don't have to feel ashamed, stop feeling that way! its not your fault.. certain incidents in our life tend to make us vulnerable and the only way to get past it is to be strong and I'm sure you can do it :)

      Reply

    • yes thank you I will try

      Reply

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What Guys Said 1

  • A) it sounds to me like you're not over past abuse, and should talk to a therapist about this.

    B) just because a guy wants your body doesn't mean he only wants your body. Yes, some guys only want your body. But its not a body OR heart thing. Some guys want both. And even if you've held back on your heart, they'll still move forward on your body, because when guys are in love it -makes- them feel closer emotionally to be sexual. So don't use them being sexual as evidence they don't care about you, or don't care that you haven't opened up. When guys care about you, to them sex IS opening up. (When guys don't care, its just sex though).

    C) it seems to me like you build emotional walls, then feel unloved because they don't know you. But you don't let them know you. You have to be willing to show your heart to feel like someone loves it. You might be surprised, they might 'see' more then you think, but you FEEL like they don't know you.

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What Girls Said 3

  • you re being promiscuous due to your molestation past,u should get therapy so you can bury this pain,u are demoralizing yourself to prove to any man you are worthy and its backfiring,you need to know you are worthy without a man then you will be able to offer the whole package to someone who will cherish u

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    • well I only had sex with one of the guys, two just touched me and I would try and get away. I saw the guys maybe once or twice over the course of a year when it happened, and the guy I actually had sex with I've been with for a month or so. I hate that it gets sexual so fast though, but I can't tell them to not be physical, because I don't want them to not like me anymore I guess. I'm trying to force it into something it's not. I don't know. I'm really confused.

      Reply

    • you should only have sex if you are comfortable with doing so,never have sex because you think you will keep the guy, it will never last and you will get used time and time again.

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    • that's what I definitely don't want.

      Reply

  • Don't go out with people you don't want the chance of phucking.

    Not to be so blunt about it but it would save you some grief if you think you need time to yourself then do that, no one can force you to go out with someone you don't want to go out with and if they try anything it means that they don't really respect you if you say you're not comfortable, show it by actions AND words and be firm and mean what you say because sometimes guys can be dumb, not all, but sometimes they can be clueless and think that you're just trying to be modest when in actuality, you were just being nice but being nice doesn't mean you have to go out with them or give in to their requests whether that is sexual or just going out on a date. Even if it's innocent or starts out that way, I'm sure they want more they are guys but then yeah I think it would do you good to speak to someone you trust about it as the person below me said.

    Hope you are OK and be happy! they are just guys! Not the end of the world!

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  • Your molestation is affecting you because you may not have addressed it.that's how you learned to cope with uncomfortable situations because you probably felt it's better to "go along with it" than be hurt even worse

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    • i was thinking being with the guys would help allieviate it if things went slow enough. but I can't communicate that because of the insecurity and psychological blockage, emotion blockage there. I'm getting help today, I can't live like this anymore

      Reply
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