Why can't I say no to guys?

Anonymous
I don't know what it is but I always feel so powerless, or like I have to please the guy. Luckily I've kept myself away from situations, but being in college, I find myself getting into these scenarios. I didn't like the first guy, but I ended up kissing him because I didn't want to be rude and shove him away. I pretended to choke or something so I could get out of the kiss, then weedled my way away until he left. Next guy, pulled me over and planted one, then he started getting touchy and I tried to get away, but he was 6 foot 5 and kind of walled over me. I felt so very uncomfortable, but I let him touch me down there and just waited for him to stop. I ended up breaking down in the third guys apartment, completely in tears because I felt so dirty when he tried actual sex with me. Final guy who I am currently sort of with, actually doesn't make me feel so uncomfortable, but I end up wanting to be alone and away from men altogether. Even when he's holding me warmly as we sleep, I feel like I'm no use to him but what I can do with my body. Once again, there was no date, or sweet lingering kiss. Ended up running away from him and feeling like sh*t. I told him I can't handle this feeling of disgrace and being trapped by guys.

He was cool with it, and I figured he would just move on to another girl, but we ended up kissing again. This time I actually initated it because we had gotten closer being friendly. Now I feel the same...a little worse. My heart feels nothing and I know he feels nothing for me as well. I can't open myself up to him, only sexually, and I thought it would be right this time. It won't ever be. I feel disgusting and I'm not worthwhile at all to any guys. Never pretty enough, or warm enough, or supportive enough. I feel numb and heartless when I'm suppose to be falling for guys or at least being infatuated. They're attractive to me no doubt, but I can't find their heart. They're the same. All the same. Talk a sweet game as if they're any different, but it's rarely true. I always see that lust that makes me worthy for the moment, the same indifference for me as the man who molested me years ago.

But I can't scream, I can't beg, I can't fight or cry. It's usually over after a while. And that's all I look forward to. Then I can run away and bleed in silence. So they'll never see how much they really hurt me.
Why can't I say no to guys?
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