He was cool with it, and I figured he would just move on to another girl, but we ended up kissing again. This time I actually initated it because we had gotten closer being friendly. Now I feel the same...a little worse. My heart feels nothing and I know he feels nothing for me as well. I can't open myself up to him, only sexually, and I thought it would be right this time. It won't ever be. I feel disgusting and I'm not worthwhile at all to any guys. Never pretty enough, or warm enough, or supportive enough. I feel numb and heartless when I'm suppose to be falling for guys or at least being infatuated. They're attractive to me no doubt, but I can't find their heart. They're the same. All the same. Talk a sweet game as if they're any different, but it's rarely true. I always see that lust that makes me worthy for the moment, the same indifference for me as the man who molested me years ago.
But I can't scream, I can't beg, I can't fight or cry. It's usually over after a while. And that's all I look forward to. Then I can run away and bleed in silence. So they'll never see how much they really hurt me.
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