Boyfriend is showing signs of being controlling... what do I do?

I met this guy who seemed very perfect and very nice. Lately, he's been showing some signs of being controlling. I'm not sure what I should do... It seems like he's very willing to compromise on a lot, but at the same time, it seems like we have to compromise on a lot to make things work...

I'm really confused. We haven't been dating a month and he's already bought me a stuffed animal and jewelery. He's told his entire family about me. It seems really fast to me. We're young... and I think he's looking more for a wife and I'm just looking to date. If it leads to marriage it leads to marriage.

The other day he sat me down for a talk. I felt like we were uncomfortably close and staring at each other. or that he was staring at me. he asked me to tell him all the little things I didn't like about him. It was really intense. We haven't even been together a month. Sure, there are little things that bug me, but they aren't big. He said he's not sure if I think he's the right guy for me. Maybe he's scared? Naming all of the little things I don't like about him seemed like a lot for two people who just started dating.

Then he told me all the things he didn't like about me. They were essentially huge personality points... I'm old enough that I can't change who I am... and I won't. No one will tell me how to act and I feel like what he had to say sort of made me feel like he wanted to change my personality. He essentially doesn't get my humor, doesn't understand me over text message, hates text messaging, doesn't feel like we have a lot to talk about, dislikes when I act cutsie/like a little kid, dislikes when I say I miss him and feels like I put him on a pedestal. He said he wants to skip the whole happy honey moon phase and that he wants to just act the way he's always going to act.

I think he sounds like a control freak from all of that... I told my friends and they became really worried. I even asked him if there were so many things he didn't like about my personality, then why like me? He said he still wants to give everything a try. I'm confused though. I feel like things shouldn't be this hard. I feel like he should cherish my personality points... not dislike them. I don't even know why he's dating me.

I think things have moved way too fast with him. I am definitely not as serious as him and while I would be sad if we broke up... at this point... I'm not even sure why we are together. We both like each other, but... apparently he doesn't like that much about me? I don't know. After that talk I called him back that night and told him I would never change etc. Since then, he's called, texted me, come to visit and spend more time with me. I think he feels really bad? It's hard to say. I'm not sure what to do though.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I don't think this is as much him being a control freak as it is him being immature.

    A big part of a relationship is being able to accept a person AS THEY ARE. No one is ever going to be 100% exactly what you want in a S.O. Everyone has flaws, and annoying habits. Maybe he doesn't put the cap on the toothpaste, or maybe you park the car crooked in the driveway, or whatever. For stuff like that, you do what you can, but you also accept those things about your partner.

    As far as personality flaws, well, if you can't deal with your partner's personality, then you shouldn't be together, because that's not going to change. Part of maturing is to realize that the world doesn't revolve around you, and that you have to accept that people and situations aren't always going to be as you think they should be. You have to accept that some things are important, and some things aren't, and accept the good with the bad, and make sure that when you look for a partner, you match in the IMPORTANT areas, even if you don't fully match in the less important areas.

    Thus, you need to make a decision here. You're already uncomfortable, and you realize that you moved too fast (I agree), but now you've reached a fork in the road. If the two of you can't accept each other just as you are today, then it's best you split up and move on, because if you stay together without accepting each other, you'll just build up resentment towards each other, and one or 2 or 5 years down the road, you'll explode like a volcano at each other, and it will be very, very messy. And your lives will be much more tied together, making it much harder to fix.

    And if you do break up, make sure that with the next person you date, you move more slowly, and that you ask (and answer) a LOT of questions with each other about important issues about relationships and the future. Give yourselves a chance to get to know each other before you get too attached or make any commitments. That way, you can be more secure in your decisions when you finally are ready to make them.

    • Honestly, I think you're more right than anything. I feel like I (underline the I) accept that he's not perfect. It doesn't bother me... but I don't think he accepts that. I think he wants me to be someone I am not. The little things he does.. I like them pass. He wanted to know all of them the other day and I felt uncomfortable doing that. I like him and I don't want to nit-pick, but he does I guess. I think we need to get to know each other a bit more before I leave him.

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    • I get it, but that's not respect or support. He might have ADMIRED you for your aspirations, but he didn't respect them, and didn't support you. You CANNOT change for someone like that and be happy; you will only resent him and feel alone and insecure. That was HIS fault, not yours.

    • Yeah, I guess you're right... as much as I thought he was respectful, he still had his own opinions and definitely wanted or seemed to want me to fit into them... it was like the less I fit into his picture the less he opened up to me. idk, it was really hard and confusing. I wasn't sure if I wasn't compromising well or if he had too many expectations... so I kept staying with him

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • Yank the controller out of him and you take control. You've got the vagina right?

    Yep. He is a control freak and you refuse to change.

    Either you change or he change or this relationship isn't going to go anywhere.

    Relationships need compromise and someone has to take action.

    • So he does sound kind of controlling?

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    • Relationships are built on communication. Go ahead and talk about everything on your mind. If he disagrees? I'm afraid you two aren't so compatible like before.

    • yeah, how can everything go from being so perfect to that?

  • Hey if he is willing to change then why not stay and see how it works out? People these days get in and out of relationships so fast that they don't give the other person a chance to work on themselves.

    • very good point

    • I also want to add that if he didn't like you why would he invite you to his family right? Yes sometime a relationship will move fast if one person like the other person more. Just give it some time. If he is willing to change then you have a good guy. Some people are together for years and their partner still doesn't change or willing to change.

    • hmm okay. yeah, he's pretty willing to try at everything... yesterday he was saying that he disliked that we had to try... but it's almost impossible not to

  • You won't change him so if you can't see yourself being in a controlling relationship then end it.

    • but is he actually being controlling? or am I just... thinking that?

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    • You do realize that trying again means putting a lot of effort from both people to make it work. If you don't click then perhaps you are settling instead of finding mr. right. I think you can find someone who will make you feel amazing.

      See with my S.O. I love everything about her. I wouldn't change a thing. Nothing she says or does makes me upset. If someone else does those things it bothers me but that's what love does to you. He isn't in love with you from the sounds of it.

    • yeah, I feel like he went from being in love with me to not being in love with me. not that you can love someone in less than a month, but you know what I mean. Honestly, I'm just looking for someone to date, someone to have fun with. If we fall in love and marriage happens it happens, but you're right, I'm not looking for mr. right... I'm just going with the flow. maybe I am settling for now, but who knows, maybe I will fall in love? he doesn't do a lot I dislike. I guess I do a lot he dislikes

What Girls Said 1

  • I only read the first part before jumping to an answer.. GET RID OF HIM!

    • wow, that obvious? already?

    • yep, signs of being controlling after a month... It can only get worse from there no matter how sweet he can be