Told him "let's date other people" now he is and I'm freaking out.

So, I had been in a 3 1/2 year relationship and over the summer I had a lot going on and told the guy I was seeing that we should date other people and see what happens. He was calling me in December to get together and it didn't happen. Then in January he started seeing a girl who was trying to get with him the ENTIRE time we were together. He was friends with her and when I asked him about her he said he would never date her. He said she was immature and obnoxious. That was about a year ago. Now he is acting like we can't hang out at because he's with her. I think I just realized I was in love with him the whole time but terrified. There is a big age difference. I'm nine years older. We got along SOOOO well. No screaming and fighting ever. I'm just curious what you guys think. Should I just sit back and see if they last? Do I tell him I'm still in love with him and see what he says? This girl is total opposite of me. It's weird. I'm really depressed over this.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Well, you did set him free. You have no control over his return so there's little point in hoping and plotting. I think the 9 year gap between you two is significant. Usually guys are such puppies in their early twenties. I can only assume that your ex beau had more than his fair share of maturity. However, given your fear of commitment, you probably found this youngster easier to adopt than a man your own age who probably would have very different expectations for a long-term relationship.

    Your ex paramour has found a partner close to his own age, who enjoys the acceptance of their mutual peers while sharing many common interests. Between early twenties and early thirties we expect a big disparity in maturity, goals, pastimes, and values. It's the difference between getting loaded at a rap concert and sipping Chardonnay during the intermission of Macbeth. Letting go of your toddler was the best decision you could possibly make.

    Now, if you're not too chicken, you're free to explore liaisons with men your own age. This is a good time to try and connect with a more genuine you. You should give serious consideration to your ability to last 3 1/2 years without admitting the depth of your feeling for your partner. Your fear of commitment and tendency to repress or deny vulnerable feelings should be a warning sign. You may need a therapist to help you work through the baggage. But you'll have more success and satisfaction with future partnerships if you peel back the skin and take a hard look at all that raw, scary stuff underneath.


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What Guys Said 1

  • Fight for him. I'm guessing that you didn't know you were in love with him while you were actually with him. You only felt that way when jealousy forced it out of you.

    If you sit and do nothing, either he'll think you don't care about him or the relationship with the new girl will blossom.

    • I emailed him and told him he was the 1st guy I was ever in love with and was just really scared about the whole thing. I'm a commitment phobe so really was freaked out. You don't think she's just a rebound Easy?

    • Show All
    • Yeah so I hung out with his sister in law today and she can't stand the new girl and is actually upset that I told him "lets see other people" She also told me he introduced her to his parents last night. He was mad at me for not meeting his family but I'm funny about that. I think the time to meet the family is when it's time to get married.. HE IS MOVING REALLY FAST with this girl. It's almost creepy.Don't forget he was asking me to hang out with him at the END of December. It's March now.

    • You're trying to backwards rationalize why you *shouldn't* like him and why isn't worthy of your attention.

      This is one form of getting over him but I think there are healthier ways.

What Girls Said 1

  • maybe if even after you two meet up in person and see if he is attracted to you as well, it will work out. I pretty much agree with easyec.

    • Yeah I really need to see him in person but I'm trying to give him space. I need to look in his eyes and see if he still cares about me.