Should I put my dignity aside and tell him that I still have feelings for him and I want him back?

My ex and I were in a long distance relationship and I spent a lot of time trying to overcome the urge of texting him after we broke up. I never texted him initially unless he sent me one. (I was the one who broke up with him, because I could see he was confused and in a lot of pain because of the distance. We didn't see each other for six months, so he agreed. Even though I loved him incredibly much, I thought the best thing I could do for him at that time is to let him go.) For the past few days, I had finally given up thinking of how to get back with him by going to a graduate school where he is. I think it might be an absurd idea since I have no idea if he still has feelings for me.

Then, I got a message from him last night saying he was at the cinema and he thought of me a lot while watching the movie. I thought of texting him back, but the truth is every single time when I get something like this, it hurts me. Even though how sweet it is, he is still not mine. I certainly don't want to be his safety net that he can hang onto when he can't find somebody out there. What is he trying to convey in his message since we are so far away? Should I put my dignity aside and tell him that I still have feelings for him and I want him back, and see what he says? Or I should tell him that he is making my life harder? What should I do? What should I be telling him?

I would really appreciate any of your valuable opinions. Thank you very much for helping me here.
First of all, I would like to thank you for your feedback. I try to live with no regrets. My ex and I weren't afraid of moving or changing jobs. The problem was it was much harder than we thought it would be. He is an European. He failed to get his company to transfer him to where I am after several attempts. I also failed to find a job where he is due to the strict policy in Europe nowadays. So going to the graduate school was the only way I could come up with in order to be with him.


Most Helpful Guy

  • As I understand it, you didn't want to break up with him, but did so because you thought you were protecting him. No disrespect, but he doesn't need your protection; he is a man. By staying in the relationship, he was telling you that he believed it was worth it. Ignoring him when he reaches out to you is not the right thing to do especially if you love him and want to be with him. You need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. I doubt that he is using you as a "safety net". It seems like he still has genuine feelings for you. After all, it was you who broke it off. If a guy gets dumped and he doesn't have feelings for her anymore, most guys will just ignore her, not seek her out repeatedly through texts etc. There would be no reason to. Also, having a "safety net" that is a thousand miles away is a pretty useless safety net, especially considering the fact that the whole point in a "safety net" is to protect you from being lonely and the whole reason you broke it off with him is because you thought the pain of loneliness was too much for him.

    When you do talk to him, it is absolutely important that you tell him that you didn't want to brake up with him because you still love him. An apology for not respecting him as a man and letting him make his own decisions would probably help.

    The most important thing that needs to happen is an honest, uninterrupted conversation between the 2 of you; where you tell him how you feel and what you want (to be with him) and ask him what he wants (regardless of what it takes to make it happen. just what do you want?)

    I couldn't tell by what you said if you are already going to grad school but were thinking of transferring to where he is, or if you where thinking of starting grad school just to be with him. I would not recommend starting grad school just to be with him. It is expensive and very time consuming; and you would be spending a lot of time on school and have less with him compared to, say, a part time job. Instead, I would suggest just moving out there to be with him and getting a basic job to pay the bills. Most people make way too big a deal of moving to another city for something like this. If you just ignore him and don't ever get back together with him, in 50 years how important is this exact year of work going to be to you? Earth-shattering? Or are you going to wish you had talked to him and seen where it went? If you do end up marrying this guy, don't you think it would be worth a year sharing an apartment, with an average job to pay the bills while you experience your life and explore your relationship? And if it doesn't work out, just move back home and resume your life as it was before. It's only a year. Think about it. You have already wasted 6 months away from him; you could have been half way through figuring this out. Which is more important? A year's worth of work that you could just as easily do next year? Or the man you may marry some day?

    • I'm waiting for my admission acceptance from the graduate school that I want to go to. The competition is keen and there's a chance that I might fail to get accepted. shouldI tell him how I feel if so far the distance is still our main problem? I haven't replied his message yet even though I really want to tell him I still have feelings for him. It feels like I have been stopping him from oving on, and loving one person means be happy for him even though the person

    • Show All
    • Not at all. I hope you're happy.

    • I just realized that that sounded kind of passive aggressive. What I meant was that I hope everything worked out and that you are happy. :-)

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What Guys Said 2

  • This may not be a valuable opinion.

    Life's too short to be stressed about those things,and have headaches ;) along the process. If you still have feelings for him, then go, tell him that you want to be together again. If he doesn't reciprocate that, good, leave. At least, you've experience bliss in your life while you're with him.

    If he do still like you, that's amazing! There's no greater bliss that getting back with your love one.

    After all, life's about you having fun and having people around you provide the happiness that you don't have. The world is so vast. Don't be held back because of a single person. There's too much to discover, so many great people to socialize with, and too many opportunities missed while you are there, sitting, crying over your ex.

  • When you talk about a safety net, do you have any proof it is the case ? Because he could be really sincere about you.

    You seem to have a negative approach to this relationship, even giving up the idea of getting closer to him through graduate school.

    You have to see it like this : is it worth taking the chance with him ? Is it worth giving up the relative comfort you have where you live, to risk going with him ? If so, see how it could be materialy possible.

    The other option would be to ask him to join you.

    Of course, life being what it is, one will need to give up their "comfort" and take the leap of faith.

    If no one is ready to make that effort, then you'd better call it quits.

    But you two should at least discuss it over the phone, if you can't do it face to face.

    Good luck !


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