When should I mention that I have AS?

this is in reference to girls that I'm meeting online via dating websites... I'm really struggling to connect with girls when I online chat to them, or after a while it feels like we run out of things to talk to, and I always feel like I'm the one having to make the effort to make conversation. I mean there were a couple who I felt like I connected with but each of them inexplicably removed me from their contacts before I met them so I'm thinking they found someone else or something.

But anyway the thing where I struggle to connect and feel like I have to make a huge effort to make conversation and that, I think this might be due to my AS... and I'm just struggling to meet a girl who I really get on with even though online dating is supposed to be ideal for people with AS. So I'm thinking I should tell girls that I have AS to hopefully make them a little more considerate and understanding... but I can't just go around telling all the girls as soon as I start talking to them or say publish it on my profile can I? Because y'know, people, for the most part, discriminate against AS people, whether they know it or not... so I figure I won't have a chance if I tell girls right away because I think that would make them write me off straight away.

So what do I do? When do I tell them? What do you think?


Most Helpful Guy

  • You may want to delay the discussion of it until you see the girl a second time or maybe even later. If people cannot immediately see that your behavior differs from what is considered a norm, there is no need to announce it right away. Even if you were diagnosed, correctly or not, who says you cannot lead a life like everyone else? Personal medical data is confidential. You are not obliged to disclose it to anyone you meet for the first time.

    If you think it appropriate, you may wish to mention that you have certain symptoms or sometimes you behave unusually. You'll have a chance to observe the effect on your partner. If it scares her, then it's no big deal. It means she's not the right one for you. After all, you are looking for someone who'll accept you as you are.

    If you feel that the bond between you and your partner is getting stronger, you should tell everything about yourself honestly. This is the only way to establish a long-lasting relationship. It is best delayed until you meet face to face.

    If you choose to indicate your condition in your profile, the discussion above will not not apply. If you do so, it may turn many people away from you. It does not mean that they have discriminating tendencies. Many people do not know how to behave towards someone diagnosed with a mental illness or condition. On the other hand, a girl with a similar diagnosis may find it far easier to communicate with you because she'll feel that there's something to share. Do not automatically assume that everybody using a dating site is typical or perfect. A lot of people there have trouble socializing. It may be argued that this is one of the reasons they are using dating sites.


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What Girls Said 1

  • What is AS?

    • aspergers

    • I thought so... you should let them get to know you first, before you say anything... it will be a bit tough to find a mate, but there is love for everyone :3. On a scale of 1-10 how intense is it for you?

    • about... 2/3/4... hard to say. I think I'm becoming more aware of it and thus realising that I'm not as 'normal' as I had once thought and so the number has progressed up a bit maybe, but people who know me well and know that I have AS say that if they didn't know, they wouldn't know, in other words I blend in they think... I'm nowhere near Rain Man that's for sure

What Guys Said 3

  • Why aren't you meeting sooner? The friend of mine has done the most online dating, he would ask girls to meet the first time he contacted them. Until you meet in person, it's all theoretical. Some girls on dating sites are just looking for attention. Those actually looking to date, you may be getting left behind by guys who actually push forward.

    • Except that on the advice bit on the dating site they say to take it slowly and get to know them before they meet, and then there's the bit where a load of the girls say on their profiles "...and if you're one of those guys who wants to meet straight away then you can forget about it".

    • Show All
    • Because what else could it be. I'm apparently handsome, on the odd occasion a girl takes a positive shine to my photos, I put a fair bit on my profile about how I do boxing training and like to keep fit, that I like movies and am interested in wildlife, I don't put anything really negative or weird... I'm wondering if it's because I'm from a somewhat outback small town... there aren't many girls near me online actually... it's frustrating and above all doesn't make much sense to me.

    • Yes, if you're in the middle of nowhere, that's a huge challenge. There simply aren't many girls around.

      Your age is an issue, I -suspect-. Girls tend to prefer slightly older guys, and there aren't that many girls then you dating online and willing to date a guy from out of town I suspect?

      No job ... are you in school, or doing ... what?

  • Exactly, Beetledove has it right! What the hell is AS. Why does everyone nowadays use acronyms thinking everybody knows what they mean. Especially knowing there are multiple acronyms out there that can stand for something totally different. Is it that hard to spell out what you mean? What is with people now a days with that crap.

    • I find it hard to write the word out... to the extent that it kinda' hurts, for me to see it in writing, or for me hear myself speak it. So I prefer to say AS, and then, if somebody asks what that is then I'll have no choice but to say it. I don't like the word either it's not even a word that sounds good to speak like Lithuania is (love that word/name).

      I feel that your contribution is of no use whatsoever and is entirely unnecessary.

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    • used that many acronyms to communicate with me and I have to do research just to know what your talking about. So give it a thought.

      But what does having very Liberal Parents have anything to do with it. Doesn't sound like your father is very liberal at all if he can't come to believe he had a imperfection. Open mindness is typically a strong trait of Liberals. Being a Libertarian, I know very well the traits and weaknesses of Liberals & Conservatives, Republicans & Democrats.

    • I never use acronyms. I dislike them. The only acronyms I use are AS for the reason I explained and also lol. You seem to have misunderstood what I was saying about acronyms, I was mentioning to you that I have had to look up their meanings before when others have used them but that I have refrained from complaining about it - something that you're apparently incapable of.

  • No reason to. I have AS, but it's not really noticeable anymore. Of corse, some things always remain, such as rigidity. If someone finds you attractive and you end up going on a date, they won't leave you if they really do care. In fact, many girls find shyness or nervousness cute sometimes.

    • Thing is everywhere I'm reading online that it's best for people with AS to tell their partner, or even their prospective partner, rather than keeping it secret. It's not productive or progressive to keep it secret. The girl will always notice things, and she might think I'm selfish or a d***, or have AS but don't know, y'know if I don't actually mention it myself.

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    • Dic- king around with peoples lives and like me many AS people will have been late diagnosis, and many will be just recently adjusting better, or getting used to it or whatever and then suddenly "oh no you don't have AS actually/anymore" what the hell is that? Dang it ain't the common cold it doesn't come and go willy nilly it's there and it defines who we are to an extent, not how our lives take place, but who we are... even if people get told they're not AS anymore they won't have changed

    • as a person. They will still be exactly the same, and if they were having struggles caused by their AS (which to be frank anyone with AS does even if mostly overcome, the struggles are still gonna' be there) before, then they will still be having those struggles after their loss of diagnosis, only they won't be classed as AS anymore. That's not right.