Confusing messages from overworked guy? We only talk in person lately.

I started dating this guy back in May. Background: he was my instructor, PhD student, 11 years older. I wasn't looking for anyone, but I met him & everything clicked. We were friends first for 4 months, weren't allowed to date. We'd talk alone hours after the class period was over, & I was just so happy to be with him. I decided to do something about it after the final, because I never felt such a connection with anyone. We saw each other as often as our schedules allowed during the summer, because he was doing research abroad and I had summer school at home. I may have over-flirted a bit, because everyone he knows is friendly with him, & I wanted to distinguish myself as girlfriend material. On the 3rd date,signals got crossed, & we ended up at my place. I thought we'd just hang out then he'd go home, because my last 2 guys were virgins like me, &those relationships moved slower. He made a move on me, and I freaked. Thing is, I have never before desired someone as much as I wanted him then & do now. But I said we're moving too fast and I wanted to get to know him first. I held out because I thought there'd be another chance for us, and I wanted this to move beyond causal into an actual relationship(still haven't said this). He was shocked, felt bad about it, kept asking if I was okay. I even told him, CLEARLY, that I was VERY interested in him so he WOULDN'T misinterpret it. I never actually told him I'm a virgin, I don't know he knows for sure. He was really mature and respectful about it (should be, he's in his 30's). we made out(1st kiss btw), then he left. I went home the next day(I live in Chicago, we met in Minneapolis). I gave it a week just to avoid embarrassment, &we continued communicating like normal. He still was enthusiastic about spending time with me. He took me out for dinner on my birthday a month later, still dressed nicely, didn't make any effort to cut the date short, made sure we went where I wanted to go, ordered something veg just because I did, & we went to a nice outdoor cafe for drinks after(total, 6 hours together). I worry that I may have acted too shy that time, and he interpreted it as disinterest, because he didn't try to kiss me at the end of the night. We texted a few days later and fb too, so I brushed it off as leftover 3rd date wierdness. then the semester got into full swing, and he had to teach a high-level science class he had little expertise with, & research for his PhD. For a few weeks we didn't talk at all, and my parents said it was over, so I tried to move on. He contacted me out of the blue when I saw him on campus after I freaked & ignored him. I waited, hoped to see him. I'd see him 2x/week for 5 min on his way to work. He'd be thrilled to see me, when we talked I'd wonder, "what's going on with us?" So I asked. He tried to reassure me it was just work(legit). I love him, but we don't talk like before. I can be patient if he still wants me, but sometimes I doubt it & cry myself to sleep. He's a direct person, do I assume he was honest?


Most Helpful Girl

  • PhD students are insanely busy, they lose a lot of sleep and barely have a social life (not surprising given they're having to write a thesis and teach half the time).

    If I was you, I'd be direct and ask him where is the relationship headed and if there is a future. A direct question should give you a direct response.

    Based on what you'd described, I'd bank on him being insanely busy rather than avoiding you. However, if I'm wrong, at least you'll know and you can work on moving on.

    • Thanks for your helpful answer! Sometimes it feels like he makes time for other friends, but most of them are colleagues that he sees regularly at work anyway, but as far as I know, he's too busy to make plans with other people. It just seems that he's not sure how to act around me anymore, and I don't know how to fix this.

    • You're welcome :)

      It's a good thing for him to hang out with colleagues, the friends he makes now while studying will set up his business networks/connections probably for most of his career.

      Well if he's not sure how to act around you anymore, I'd suggest you guide him and take charge. Don't be afraid to suggest outings/dates to take some ofthe pressure off him, it'll show him that you're keen and as interested in the relationship.

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What Guys Said 1

  • too long to read...

    what are you doing with your former prof anyhow?

    • he was the TA, not the prof, so not as bad as you think! ;)

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