A relationship after rape?

My best male friend and I are becoming increasingly close lately and we've both admitted having feelings for each other and would like to date. He knows about my past, I was gang r*ped and r*ped again a few years later, and he's always been supportive and a shoulder to cry on if and when I need him. I'm worried that if we become more than friends, things like intimacy will be a major problem. It was my first time when I was r*ped so I literally have no idea what I'm doing or what it's supposed to be like and I'm concerned that while he is supprtive now, when problems arise things will go wrong and I'll lose him.

The short of it is I'm worried to get close to him, I love him very much and I don't want to have to burden him with any of this. I feel like I already have. He's the kind of guy who finds it hard to show emotion and doesn't always understand the complexity of how I feel...I'm worried he won't be able to understand if I don't want cuddles or anything physical.

I know I'm probably jumping the gun but this is the first time I'll have dated and I want to be prepared :-)

Any help or any advice from anyone who's been in this sort of situation before would really help! Thank you so much :-)


Most Helpful Guy

  • I guess you need to be 100% upfront with him , Rape is a Hard thing to overcome, the fact that your Virginity was taken in a Violent act makes it more complex, but it doesn't have to end your ability to be passionate & Intamate with a man, as Long as he understands he needs to take it slow with you,

    by the way most people don't know what they are doing or if they are doing it well the first few times they have sex. you learn from doing. practice makes perfect, the important thing is when you do decide to make love for the first time it should be with someone who cares about you & understands what you have already been through. I say give him a chance to show you you deserve to be loved. since your not a fortuine teller & neither am I the only way to know if he can handle all this is to give him a chance, I would surmise if you care enough about him to ask us here this question you care enough to give him a chance I say go for it & move slow , please let us know your progress someday down the line I hope you find the love you deserve, I also hope the guys who did this harm, to you gets what they deserve !

    • Thank you so much for your kind words, it really does mean a lot to me :-) and you're right, I won't know unless I allow him to try. I hope everything goes OK :-)

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What Guys Said 4

  • I guess what it comes down to is you never know until you try. If you do this you might be hurt or you could experience something fantastic. It may take some time after your trauma but it's worth pursuing when you meet someone special. If he is supportive now keep taking steps towards sharing more and more of your struggles with him and see if he stays supportive. You have to explain your feelings about this to him. I really hope your journey through this will end happily and you can enjoy a fulfilling relationship.

    • Thank you for your advice, I do need to talk to him more about it. I don't want to bore him with it all though of course, I'm sure lots of in depth conversations over it wouldn't be very appealing to anybody. Thanks again for being so kind and I really hope there is a happy ending too :-)

  • I have no personal experience on this.

    From what I've seen and read, the odds of him 'not being burdened' with this are low. Normal couples have problems around sex, you'd have to be really lucky not too. I think that planning to try to make everything 'normal' is unrealistic. What is realistic is being committed to working in problems if they come up, not avoiding them, and being honest and trusting with each other.

    • Thank you for your honest advice, I know not everything will be perfect especially to begin with. I know we're best friends though and trust each other so hopefully we can try and be strong together. Thank you :-)

  • Damn your strong and that's great. He will never know how you feel how could anyone whose never through that. Its your job however to not throw how you feel in his face. He wants you and protect you but you have to surrender your pain and be with him if you want to fins happiness. Its the hardest thing ever but keep trying.

    • Thank you so much for your words of encouragement :-) I will have to do a lot of learning very quickly, I guess it's new ground for both of us. I will try to put aside my feelings of pain to make this work.

  • I saw something like this, she would have to initiate once every few months, I couldn't deal with it personally.

    I'm sure he'd understand.

    • I understand, I hope I can learn to be OK with intimacy so we can enjoy being together in everyway. Thanks so much for your help :-)

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