Hot to cold: is this just a defense?

I recently got back in touch with a woman I'd met a few years ago. We had previously been interested in each other, but things just didn't work out with timing and location.

About a month after we got back in touch, she started to escalate things. She wanted to talk on the phone (we'd been just texting to that point). Then that became frequent, and eventually every day. She really started to open up to me about herself. Then she began to text all hours of the day. The texts became more and more personal. Then emails. She wrote and sent letters. Basically, she made to clear that she wanted to pick up where we'd left off before, and that she felt she was ready for something real and serious.

Throughout all of this, I was very leery. I now live even farther from here than before, and although my plan is to move back to the city she's in (not because of her, this has been my goal for some time now), the simple fact is I'm not there. That's an obvious obstacle. I also felt that some of things she was saying were going too far given that we haven't spent much facetime together.

So now the flick has switched, and she's gotten quite cold towards me. At one point I called her, and from the sound of her voice you'd have thought I took a dump in her bad...a TOTAL turnaround from the warm calls prior. When I finally got her to explain, she said numerous times that she was afraid of being disappointed again, that I wasn't actually there and until I was we couldn't be more than friends (ironic), she was questioning her self worth and felt I was too good for her because she's scarred (who isn't?).

I know she's had a not great history with men. Married pretty young, and her ex husband kicked her to the curb when he found someone else just a few years into it. Guys afterward included a drug addict, cheaters, and one she met on a dating site who turned out to be married. Good reasons to be afraid of disappointment.

Where we're concerned, I'm with her on the distance thing, obviously. Until I'm actually there, it's all just words. Knowing her history with guys, I also understand why she'd express doubt that I want to follow through and pursue something with her.

We've not texted or talked in days..I figured it best to just lay off a few days at least and see what happens. I'm supposed to fly into her city later this week and had hoped to see her while there, but now I'm getting mixed messages about that...ironically after she really pushed for me to go.

So I guess my main question here is, why would she suddenly turn so cold? That's the only thing that really bothers me about it. It hurts to go from constant, warm communication to suddenly being a persona non grata.

I want to believe what she says and that she's putting her shields up for now. Do you feel I'm reading this correctly?


Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • Even though she says she doesn't want to date till your there she really just wants you to make her yours officially!

    How I'm feeling with my long distance man:/


What Guys Said 1

  • Distance really proved a great obstacle for her.

    Being in a long distance "relationship" with you proves a very difficult trial for her. She might discover that you're already married, even though you're not, and that's what keep scaring her. She really fears rejections and disappointments. Being married once, which is the happiest moment of her life, destroys all her hopes about being in a relationship again.

    You really need to be with her. Show her that you're not ever going to leave her, in case you want to pursue some romantic relationship with her.

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