GUYS: Why just be friends with a girl if you like her and want to be with her?

Thanks in advance for your advice! I promise I will return the favor and answer your current question (if you have one posted).

My guy and I started off as dating, but he lost his job and felt it wasn't the right time to be dating/starting a relationship, so he wanted to just be friends right now. He likes me (he told me) and he also told me that being friends is hard since he wants to be with me.

We have been going on 'dates' and hanging out like normal... cuddling, holding hands, flirting, but no kissing or other physical signs of affection.

Last time we hung out we agreed to "see where things go." Which I feel is an improvement from wanting to be 'just friends'. BUT, I tried to kiss him and I could tell he wanted to, but he said no.

I don't see what the big issue is... we like each other, we have been 'dating' for a month, why can't we just be together? Why does it have to be the right time?

I am also meeting his family this weekend and his friends next week... because he wants to introduce me to both.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Unemployment and living at home will prevent many guys from pursuing a woman. When a guy reaches adulthood, he wants to feel masculine, more importantly, he wants her to view him as such. Independence along with the ability to provide for or aide a woman plays a major role in feeling masculine. With the success of the modern woman, guys feel even more pressure to live up to the "male's role." Your guy's reluctance to enter into a relationship with you at this time seems to be indicative of that.

    In the interim, due to the newness of the relationship, it may a good idea to assure him that you understand his position and that you will stick by him through it. Once he is assured, perhaps he will want to be in a relationship with you no matter what his financial position is.

    • I have literally told him that word for word. I am a psychology major, so I get it. I tell him money isn't an issue and I don't mind paying for things right now, and he said it is a huge issue and plans to pay me back (even though I don't want him to). My point is, we have great chemistry and conversation, we are both attracted (physically and emotionally) to each other... why does he have to keep that barrier of 'just friends' up? It's almost like he is afraid of a relationship.

    • Show All
    • You told him, so now you must give him time to trust it. That will come with time; it will not be instant. I personally believe that he is unafraid of commitment or the unknown. I simply blieve that he is feeling a bit down about his situation, and therefore insecure about labeling you two.

    • This is one of the best answers to any question I have ever read on this site.

      I salute you, sir!

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 6

  • Hes embarressed and worried he doesn't meet your expectations anymore. In one way, he's upset he can't afford to spend money and you and you will feel neglected. And the other way, he feels embaressed or you will look at him in a bad way because he has a no job right now. Guys kindof have a preconceived notion that they have to spend money on girls or they ll reject them. And if the girl is better off financially or farther in life, the guy feels inferior and ashamed of himself and its a direct hit to his pride.

    I doubt that he lost feelings for you. He's probably not kissing you and all that because he doesn't want to lead you on while denying you a relationship.But, then again you gotta ask yourself, is he really denying you a relationship or is he just in a bad way right now thinking that you might not want to be with him if you all were together? I'm thinking the latter. See thing is, relationships are not about buying each other things. Yeah we do that to show our appreciation of someone and surprise them with gift to represent our feelings. But, is materialistic things love? No. Love is love, sharing feelings, and spending time with each other,which while he does not have a lot of money right now, he has time and time is more valuable than money IMO.

    This is not necessarily rejection. He could very well be thinking that you all reject him if you get back together with him. He is also probably insecure and embaressed about his situation right now and worried how you view it. There is something really cheap you can do help him out...that is communication. Tell him that he doesn't have to buy you things because that not the importance of the relationship or main point. Reassure him that your not one of those girls that expects their boyfriend to buy them thems. Reassure him that the situation he's in happens to the best of us and things will get better. Motivate/help him to find new work, but cautiously so you don't insult his situation or making it look like you want him to have money to buy you things. Its just IMO, while males are the leaders in this world, women are the best motivators. Guys will never admit it, but sometimes we do need moral support from a girl. I know this is a lot of effort,but he will appreciate it and will make you look like a shining star to him. People who are together should also be each others best friends too. If you walk away when he is in a moment of hardship in his life, well it looks to him that persons shallow, when in reality it feels like he's rejecting you. He's ashamed to ask you for reassurance, but probably needs it. You need to make him realize that you don't care he doesn't have a lot of money right now and that it won't affect the relationship at all and you can work around not going out to dinner and such. Its a little bit of give and take. He will probably give back and give that extra effort when you go through a rough spot and need him.

  • If I was in that scenario, a girl I like trying to kiss me would be a pick-me-up. I wouldn't avoid t at all

  • Something seems artificial from his side. How can you change your feelings about someone voluntarily following an event (like losing a job).

  • ''My guy and I started off as dating, but he lost his job and felt it wasn't the right time to be dating/starting a relationship, so he wanted to just be friends right now. He likes me (he told me) and he also told me that being friends is hard since he wants to be with me.''

    Thats what I'm going through right now. He could be insecure, make sure he got your support while he is working he's way up! =)

    please answer mine!

  • sounds like he has commitment issues or something else is going on. be careful, don't invest too much, he might just run.

    • He is just a super shy guy who has never had a relationship before... do you think that could have a play in it? Also, he is temporarily living with his parents until he can save up to move out, and he doesn't have a job right now... so I know he is super stressed about that and pretty depressed about it.

    • Yeah if he's shy and hasn't been in a relationship, chances are he's a virgin too. Nothing wrong with that either but you should comfort him about it. You could kind just throw it in their when talking. Be like I know you've never been in a relationship before and you're probably kind of nervous about it, but I think it's really cute and it's OK if it's a little awkward at first.

    • He's not a virgin... we have already slept together during our 'dating' phase lol But I do think that he has a very high school mindset regarding dating. Thank you

  • I think he's aiming for a kind of relationship that is unrealistic. Maybe he sees more in you than to be his girlfriend, like a friend he could cuddle with but as we all know, that will probably not last long. that's what I think.

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      Here's my latest question if you want

    • He has never had a relationship before so I think he may either not know what one is like, or is afraid of the unknown. We aren't doing anything physical, so we aren't fwb... and he wants me to meet his family and friends. I am going to church with him this Sunday and I will meet his family, and we have plans for St. Pattys day and there I will meet his friends.

What Girls Said 1

  • that is weird maybe he is having some type of personal issue..

    • He definitely is... he is temporarily living with his parents and got fired from his job so he is trying to find a new one so he can move out again. Do you think that could be it?

    • i don't get why that has to do with kissing...

    • He doesn't want to kiss because we are 'just friends' at the moment even though we used to date and both still really like each other. He put me in the friend zone because he feels like it isn't the right time (being jobless and living with his parents) to date right now. We are still hanging out and flirting, and it feels no different than when we were 'dating'. AND he wants me to meet his family and friends... def not something a friend would do either. See what I mean?