My boyfriend and I have been dating over a year now and 2 months ago we went on a road trip. During that road trip I saw some text messages (my bad) that are haunting me. I found several messages from last August (we were dating 6 months by then). Messages varied, in one he expresses that he really misses some woman a lot and spills his feelings. Another one asks if she was "sore" from the night before.. another (to my horror) is telling an unknown number that he is looking for a cab to get to her hotel and wanted to know what all was included with the price. When I found these messages I was frozen but of course had to address them, so I collected myself..VERY calmly said "I saw something I shouldn't have seen and I'm sorry for looking but now I have to ask..." and told him that I loved him and we would work through things but I needed to know the truth. His response was that these messages were not his but the messages of the previous iphone holder. He tried to explain that these messages merged into his phone when he put his sim card in it and never erased them because he honestly liked reading them. I tried later to talk about it more but he refuses to talk about it at all and gets very angry when I bring it up. He basically told me that if I don't believe him then I should leave the relationship, but suggested that we see a therapist together (we have started). It really has taken a toll on me but I decided to stay. Recently now, I found out that at a party he told someone he didn't have a girlfriend. I brought this up to him and he basically told me that he was having a cultural conundrium because he didn't want the person looking badly upon him (he is not American and his culture can't date). However, he wouldn't talk about it further with me and got angry again. I love him and outside of this, we are amazing together. Am I being nieve here or should I simply trust his word?
Most Helpful Girl
I think you know the truth.
Lots of us have been in this position. There's lots of signs pointing to cheating, but then there's also lots of explanations that are semi-plausible. You don't want to stay in a relationship with someone who is unfaithful, but you don't want end a relationship with someone who was faithful because you were paranoid and:or jealous. You want to know for certain whether or not it happened. And you so badly want to believe the explanations.
The thing is, you might never get that certainty. But all the red flags are pointing in the same direction.
Furthermore - certainty aside, do you want to be with someone who is fine with letting you feel insecure and unsafe emotionally in your relationship? If someone I was in a relationship found what they thought was evidence of me cheating on them and confronted me with it, the very first thing I would do is overwhelm them with evidence that I'm not. Not explanations - evidence. The texts were already on my phone when I got it? Let me get a copy of my August phone bill to show you those texts weren't sent by me. Don't get me wrong, there would be a secondary argument about violating my privacy and snooping. But I wouldn't dismiss something as huge as them thinking in cheating by just standing on my soapbox spewing principles at them. Not unless they were constantly accusing me of cheating - and is probably break up with them at that point anyway.
Something made you look in his phone in the first place. Don't ignore that.1