What should I believe?

My boyfriend and I have been dating over a year now and 2 months ago we went on a road trip. During that road trip I saw some text messages (my bad) that are haunting me. I found several messages from last August (we were dating 6 months by then). Messages varied, in one he expresses that he really misses some woman a lot and spills his feelings. Another one asks if she was "sore" from the night before.. another (to my horror) is telling an unknown number that he is looking for a cab to get to her hotel and wanted to know what all was included with the price. When I found these messages I was frozen but of course had to address them, so I collected myself..VERY calmly said "I saw something I shouldn't have seen and I'm sorry for looking but now I have to ask..." and told him that I loved him and we would work through things but I needed to know the truth. His response was that these messages were not his but the messages of the previous iphone holder. He tried to explain that these messages merged into his phone when he put his sim card in it and never erased them because he honestly liked reading them. I tried later to talk about it more but he refuses to talk about it at all and gets very angry when I bring it up. He basically told me that if I don't believe him then I should leave the relationship, but suggested that we see a therapist together (we have started). It really has taken a toll on me but I decided to stay. Recently now, I found out that at a party he told someone he didn't have a girlfriend. I brought this up to him and he basically told me that he was having a cultural conundrium because he didn't want the person looking badly upon him (he is not American and his culture can't date). However, he wouldn't talk about it further with me and got angry again. I love him and outside of this, we are amazing together. Am I being nieve here or should I simply trust his word?

SECONDARY QUESTION: I know who one of the women are via Facebook only... Would it be OK to Facebook message her and ask her directly if something went on (LAST aug) or is that crossing the line?


Most Helpful Girl

  • I think you know the truth.

    Lots of us have been in this position. There's lots of signs pointing to cheating, but then there's also lots of explanations that are semi-plausible. You don't want to stay in a relationship with someone who is unfaithful, but you don't want end a relationship with someone who was faithful because you were paranoid and:or jealous. You want to know for certain whether or not it happened. And you so badly want to believe the explanations.

    The thing is, you might never get that certainty. But all the red flags are pointing in the same direction.

    Furthermore - certainty aside, do you want to be with someone who is fine with letting you feel insecure and unsafe emotionally in your relationship? If someone I was in a relationship found what they thought was evidence of me cheating on them and confronted me with it, the very first thing I would do is overwhelm them with evidence that I'm not. Not explanations - evidence. The texts were already on my phone when I got it? Let me get a copy of my August phone bill to show you those texts weren't sent by me. Don't get me wrong, there would be a secondary argument about violating my privacy and snooping. But I wouldn't dismiss something as huge as them thinking in cheating by just standing on my soapbox spewing principles at them. Not unless they were constantly accusing me of cheating - and is probably break up with them at that point anyway.

    Something made you look in his phone in the first place. Don't ignore that.

    • Re: your update

      Do you really care if its crossing a line? Whose line? Who gets to draw it?

      She could admit it all. He could come up with a story about how she has feelings for him and lied to try to break you up. She could deny it all, even if it actually happened, just to cover for him and avoid drama. Or she could refuse to answer your questions.

      Do whatever you feel you need to do to let go, but don't do anything that'll make it more difficult for you to decide.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • I have two, 5 acre lots left for sale on the moon. If you're interested I will sell you one of them. Cheap!

    He kept them because he liked to read them? What a bunch of crap.


What Girls Said 3

  • Something exactly like this happened to me. throughout this phase of seeing him text another girl; ask about her day, her favorite color, favorite food, trying to hang out with her and making future plans/events with her etc. etc. He denied each time that he was falling for her. Ultimately my disbelief made me crazy for each time he had seen a text from her he became anxious and started smiling. look for signs of smiling while he is texting... But I am 110% sure he is lying. when a guy gets pissed that you bring such a sensitive topic up that just shows that he has something to hide. for him to tell you to get over it, that you should seek some help, that you should leave him if you don't believe him means that he doesn't care enough about you to convince you and make your relationship at a blissful state again. he is basically telling you to leave him, I say you do so that he can see how valuable you really are and how he should've treated you better. (I stayed in this relationship for another 2 years, you find out that the insecurities faced in a relationship is not worth it... to be with someone that does not value you enough to help cope and prove to be trustworthy; you could find someone better)

    I think it would be a good idea to talk to that woman, if anything talk to her calmly and strait forwardly. You do not want to sound accusing but remember it is not the girls fault.

    • Thank you for the advice...I think I will message her but I'm worried of course that she will tell him .. I feel like a big spy

  • Honestly, I call bullsh*t :P If this a regular thing that happens with phones, wouldn't the company get in trouble at some point because they're risking other people getting very personal information from "merged" texts? I know I'm picking at details here, but it would suck if he fools you because he knows you won't know if that's a legit excuse or not.

    Or you could do some crazy-ass thing like text the woman, haha.

    • Thats the other piece I forgot to mention... Right after we had this "unveiling" he deleted everything in his phone and none of that was to be found again. He said that he freaked out and just wanted all of it to go away, which is why he deleted it.

    • How convenient XD Man, I'm sorry that you're going through this. I have an ex who cheated on me, and I was 90% sure but that other 10% killed me... It's like this battle between the evidence and that little voice that's doubting the evidence like, "But wait, there's still this possibility..." Because otherwise you have to make really hard decisions.

  • i can 99% guarantee he is lying.

    • Thanks for your response! Can I ask you which part of my narrative makes you 99%?

    • it's very fishy and unbelievable. obviously he isn't going to admit he got caught. plus the fact that he gets angry about it.

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