I guess its me? Am I the problem?

Seems every few months I'm on here asking for advice. Some days I wish I didn't want to be in love.

Though this may come across the wrong way, I am a very smart girl, super smart, so smart in fact that nothing gets by me, which is why I think I have such trouble w/relationships.

When I'm in a relationship, I really work hard at it. One I stayed in 6 years too long with a guy who could be sweet and generous but was mostly an antisocial nutcase. The next one was a control freak, narcissistic cheater who didn't know the truth if it smacked him in the face - and yet HE only about 3 weeks after we broke up - had a new girlfriend while I (other than a few guys here and there) haven't had a serious relationship since that one ended.

A few days ago, I had the most fantastic first date. We had such fun - and unless I'm a complete moron and don't recognize signals - I knew he was attracted and interested. He clearly didn't want the night to end. Neither did I.

I had hoped he would text me to say he had a good time. He did, but my stupid Google voice app delayed his text so I didn't see it until the next morning (this past Thursday). He said, "I had a great time tonight! Sweet dreams ..."

I texted him back the next morning to say I had a good time and made a joke about his watch (we had been joking about it the previous evening) and I also joked about how he claimed he could beat me in hand to hand combat (I train in Krav and BJJ) and that I'd let him win to soothe his male ego.

Then I heard nothing the rest of the day and into the next morning. I started thinking he took my comment the wrong way (tho I couldn't figure out how when we were joking about those very things the night b4). After speaking to a friend who said I might have insulted him, I texted him and said, "If my comments yesterday insulted you, that was not my intention."

He wrote back, and said, "No absolutely not! I really like you! Don't change. I was just swamped with work and my son and literally couldn't breath all day. I want to go out with you again!"

I was so excited and started to reply but then I was like, you mean you didn't have TWO SPARE SECONDS to text me back all day? I'm sorry but that excuse does NOT fly with me. I don't care HOW busy you are, everyone has a second to reply. So I didn't reply He seemed to think he didn't need to reply to my text from the day before. I could do the same.

All day today I thought about it. Finally, I broke down around 4:30 and said, "Still busy, boss man? Or are you thinking about berries, melted chocolate and whip cream?" (That's the desert we had the night of our date.) That text was sent over 4 hrs ago (w/no reply) and I'm now kicking myself for being such an idiot to send a text that late on a Saturday when he was prob getting ready for a date.

I feel really sad that something that I thought had potential is over in a mere 3 days but now I feel too stupid and annoyed to go further. To be basically ignored again? That speaks volumes.

UPDATE: It is now 8 am the following day after sending the last text noted above and STILL no reply. Truthfully I think between this guy's work (he owns a company) and his young son he doesn't have a lot of spare time. So sad because I really did like him but I"m not going to be fit in here and there and replied to at his earliest convenience.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Okay, first of all, don't expect everyone to check their messages that fast. Even if they do, just because they don't respond doesn't mean that they don't care. This is why I don't like online communication. Everyone seems to think that the other person must respond right away.

    He doesn't need to have two spare seconds. When people are very busy, sending a text message can take a lot of effort. Besides, guys usually send less texts than girls. I don't even text at all.

    Don't stop communicating just because you're angry. He won't know something is wrong otherwise. If you feel a certain way, if you don't communicate, he will think that everything is fine. Then you get angry because he doesn't respond, and then he gets even more confused.

    Next time, schedule things well in advance. Then there will be no doubt in your mind that he will receive your text message and be able to plan things well in advance, with less room for error. Don't worry. This relationship looks pretty good so far.

    • I agree 100%. "Texting" has ruined a few potential relationships over the last yr. Things just fall apart - at least 4 me. But how do you solve that? Do you say you won't text? That the person has 2 call? And don't you think its weird he hasn't responded yet? If he "liked me" wouldn't he send a quick reply? This is now TWICE in the matter of 3 days he's done this. Do you think my 2nd text (the one on Sat, after my waiting a one 1/2 days to reply) with my stupid "berries and whip cream" comment looked odd?

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    • I don't know if any more face to face is coming. I haven't heard a peep from him in THREE days now. How is that showing any interest? Why send a text saying you had an "amazing time" and then disappear?

    • Guys need space. Maybe this guy thinks three days is alright. Perhaps if you want him to talk to you more, you can just ask him to. But do so in a way that sounds appreciative, like "I really like it when you call/text me every other day, because then I will feel appreciated, because I know you care."

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • You're not the problem.

    It's the guys who are the problems.

    You just don't come across quality men.

    • I guess not but I'm on 3 different dating sites. This guy owns his own company (high level). He took me to a very expensive restaurant & came wearing a suit. That's the classiest date I've had in 2 yrs! I work @ home so its hard for me to "come across" anyone. He seemed so great & we had a lot of fun. But I think my text asking if I had offended him then the one the next day (on a Sat like I'm some loser w/nothing to do) put a period on it. I feel stupid now and like I've shown my hand too soon :(

    • The text didn't offend him. It wouldn't offend me if I was in his place. Don't worry. You're fine. And what does this answerer mean by you not coming across quality men? Way to insult people.

What Girls Said 1

  • Okay listen, I'm gonna be brutally honest here. To start, I think your expectations are too high. Especially for a guy you went on one date with. Also you are over thinking things. The joke you made to him is not insulting at all and your girlfriend that said it might have been was way off in my opinion. You said you two joked around about something similar on the date which would give you no reason to think that. You both jumped to conclusions when he didn't reply.

    Now, men will say that sometimes they don't check messages and can't reply right away. Or that they don't or didn't have time (see confucius16's comment) but I think common curtsey is to reply and just say at the end of the text that you're busy and we'll chat later. In the year 2013 I think everyone has an idea of this. Or maybe not but then that makes me wonder how often you texted or how quickly he responded prior to the date. ?

    Moving on... feeling like an idiot for texting late on a Saturday because "he was prob getting ready for a date" ? Again with the assumptions and over thinking.

    I know how it feels to have a good first date and think there could be potential but with any dates you should go to have fun. Don't think too much about it because you have no idea where he is at in life. How did you two meet?

    Now with all that being said, even though I think you over thought everything I personally wouldn't date him because obviously you have an issue with his style after one date. How do you think you would feel after 50 dates? Even worse! And believe me I am the same way. Nothing gets past me either. I notice it all.. liked pictures on instagram , ignored texts, inappropriate comments on Facebook etc. And I think when two people meet and they really like each other then they can't wait till the next meeting. He may like you but it may not be strong enough for your liking which in the long run just won't work out.

    • Im kicking myself 4 involving my "used 2b" bff in this. She said, "Oh no, you didn't make a comment about his ego? That's the kiss of death w/men. You should text him & apologize." I didn't feel capable of using the word "sorry" so I just said "it wasn't my intention 2 insult you if I did." Then I felt like an over-analyzing dumbass when he wrote "U didn't insult me at all." HE, unlike me, seems 2 have a life - a busy one - which makes me sad as I think your comment about our being on diff pages is spot on.

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    • I'm not sure where you tink I contradicted myself. And yes, I agree that if he reaches out to her, then that's good. And yeah, he's the more busy person, so he can reach out whenever he feels like it, although this doesn't mean that she can't reach out sometimes. Just as long as she doesn't do it out of desperation or overdo it.

    • You said "then you will always regret it, wondering how it could have gone"... but then you also said "Focus on the present" . That's all I meant.. Just saying how there is nothing to regret because nothing has been invested.. people should focus on today now yesterday or tomorrow. I knew from her story right away that he wasn't for her. and In my opinion, when someone likes someone else they find time. Everyone is busy. I work 55 hours and a full time student. I find time if I like a guy.

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