Why are women so choosy when it comes to dating?

I just don't seem to understand this. Why are women so choosy about the man they date? I mean...every woman has certain expectations about the kind of man she wants to date, and she will never settle for anyone who doesn't satisfy those requirements, even if he is better in several other ways. On the other hand, men are a lot more accommodating. Suppose a man asks out a woman whom he feels is the best for him but she turns him down, then he surely tries his luck with the next best women, and doesn't really complain about this. Of course, I'm not judging women or men. I just want to know the reason why women are so choosy about the man they date. I welcome answers from both men and women.

P.S. Please don't feel that I'm criticizing women. I'm just looking for a healthy discussion. Please feel free to express your views, but kindly refrain from flaming. Thank you.


Most Helpful Girl

  • partly BECAUSE guys are so damn un-picky...we don't want to be the lower-standard-fifth-girl down the chain you hit on in one bar, the one you try after lucking out with hotter chicks.

    Guys will sleep with girls they don't even particularly like or respect just because they're horny, I'm not judging, but of course no one wants to be THAT girl either.

    it's like all the screening is left up to us.

    That, and girls just have lower sex drives in the first place, we don't have the same physical urgency guys do to get laid, and we don't automatically get the same guaranteed pleasure out of it, that, combined with the fact that we're often negatively judged for it and risk pregnancy make us more selective in our choices.


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What Girls Said 9

  • I watched a documentary that explained this. Men are basically looking to pass down their genes, while women are the ones to decide whose genes to pass down. It's the same way in the animal kingdom... That's why the males often fight to show which one is the strongest. It's all about giving our offspring the best chance at survival. I imagine the women get to choose because we're typically the ones stuck with child rearing.

    • Not true for humans, though. Through most of human history, we were hunter-gatherers, who communally raise the children.

      And for humans, sex stopped being about reproduction probably about a half-million years ago with pre-modern humans. We're one of the only creatures that has sex recreationally, and in all the other recreational-sex species, sex is more about establishing social bonds than it is about making babies.

  • As they say, men offer the sex, women control the sex. It's our job as females (not just humans, but all species) to find a male whose gene set we believe, when combined with ours, will produce an offspring that will be successful. Humans do this on a way more subconscious level though. We're not going to deny a guy by saying, "Sorry, but your genes and my genes mixed together just would not produce a good enough offspring." We're going to say something like, "I'm not attracted to you."

    Animals do this too, like the other user said. It really makes perfect sense if you look at it from a biological standpoint, but it's a lot less clear when you look at it from a human standpoint.

  • this is what my biology professor told us:

    Men could produce A LOT of sperm in his entire life, until he dies. So naturally, he would want to pass on his genes as often as possible.

    Meanwhile, women are born with only a couple of hundred eggs. She will thus be a little pickier as to choosing what kind of genes she wants for her young. Which is why in the animal world, the males would fight for a female and the female would mate with the one that wins, a.k.a. the strongest one, a.k.a. the one with the best genes.

    That's what heppens instinctively anyway, something that we share with the animals as part of the animal kingdom. There are a lot of other reasons why women are choosier. Pregnancy risk, self-respect, upbringing, etc.

    • I would read more into this if I would you. Because what you're talking about, the "Alpha male" structure, is quite possibly one of the most dystopian social structures there is. It would also nullify most of the arguments of feminism, because men would actually be the oppressed in that they would have little social value unless they are alpha, and women would have much more social value than the average man.

    • There's actually a really good book about this. "Sex at Dawn" by Christopher Ryan. link

      Basically, when we set things up such that only a few successful men get attention from women, the men become violent, partially from sexual frustration, partially from peer pressure to kill others to impress women by being "alpha".

    • If women were to advocate for such a structure, they would advocate for the same structure in which they were stripped of many of their rights. In such structures, it's the females who put the alpha in power, and thus give societal power to him, which he then uses to rule with the same brutality that made him powerful in the first place.

      Sorry, this is kinda one of my biggest areas of interest.

  • I could respond with a "Why are men so choosy when it comes to dating?"


    • Are men choosy? If you are looking for handsome ones, of course they would but an average looking man is not choosy at all.

  • Hah I 100% agree with the two answers here.

  • everyone has preferences. no one should settle

  • Why are men less choosy?

    • Because it is much more important for a guy how many girls he is with.

    • I've never had a girlfriend because I couldn't reach girls' high standarts.

  • Um, probably because women are programmed to mate with one guy(until a better one comes along). It's defense mechanism for women to be choosy and we have more consequences(pregnancy). And don't think that men aren't choosy.

  • 1) I see women settling all the time. How many times have you heard "She could do so much better"? I have a bunch.

    2) Men are typically less choosy because they can't get pregnant and don't have as many consequences from sex as women. Women have many consequences, so we choose the best man so as not to get screwed over. That's the biological standpoint anyway.

    • Well...regarding the second point, that's not exactly true. I live in a third world country where people are still conservative when it comes to dating. And here, most people never indulge in pre martial sex because it is almost like a sin, and such people usually become social outcasts. But even in my country, women are really choosy about dating even though there usually won't be any sex unless they get married.

    • That's why I said "biological standpoint" because ultimately that's the entire purpose of dating is to eventually mate and reproduce. Even if a woman won't have sex with you beforehand, she's still more choosy because she's the one who will get pregnant and raise the children and wants to choose the best man for that.

What Guys Said 8

  • In many tribes of South America and Africa, there's this concept called "partable paternity".

    The idea is that a fetus is made of accumulated semen, that reaches a tipping point in which it starts to grow.

    So in these societies, women want the smartest, funniest, tallest, and strongest kid. So they sleep with the smartest guy, the funniest guy, the tallest guy, and the strongest guy, in a polygamous sort of "sexual friendship" with many people. From what I understand, this choice flows in a cycle that follows their period.

    Men have something similar, but instead of having different standards at different times, they are turned on by a wide variety of girls in different ways. They are turned on by all these girls. That way if a girl is into you, you'll be more likely to be into her at the same time.

    These societies have sprung up independently, and are usually high-sex, low-stress societies, with great equality and little to no serious violence.

    Here's the kicker. What happens when you take a woman and a man from a structure like this, and make them choose ONE person to spend the rest of their lives with?

    The guy might choose someone, but the whole time, he'll probably have a wandering eye. He'll probably have a hard time staying faithful. And when she hits menopause, well, his libido will be so much higher than hers, he'll have an identity crisis. AKA "midlife crisis".

    For the girl, if she had the same goals for her kids, or if she wanted someone who could have something she's looking for no matter how her standards change; She can't take the smartest guy, AND the tallest, strongest, and funniest. So nothing will satisfy her unless he's the tallest AND the smartest AND the strongest AND the funniest. Which basically excludes almost all of the male population.

    In nations like the Netherlands, where sex is frequent and celebrated, men's and women's standards are a lot more equal. (There's a reason they call it "going dutch" when the girl and guy just pay for themselves.) I've heard that girls in Sweden laugh at the expectations American girls have for men. But I don't think American girls are that bad.

    I suppose, in Scandinavia, if you expect a guy to wine and dine you, and get you gifts, and treat you like a princess, it's considered laughable and immature.

    Girls approach guys as often as the reverse there, basically always "go dutch", and usually have sex before they even start "dating" to see if they are sexually compatible. Traditional "dating" is little to nil.

    It's funny that in nations whose focus is on equality, the girls there are considered "easy" by UK/US standards. Perhaps it's just realistic and fair.

  • You know it's funny because I was thinking about this a few weeks ago when I asked out a girl that I was getting the nerve up to ask her out for a month and a half and just couldn't get the timing right. And she turned me down but in a soft kind of way like I was some sort of idiot that wouldn't understand if she said she didn't want to go out.

    But it got me thinking so a couple of days later I asked her this question and then asked a couple women: "Ok fine see a guy trying to ask you out but you turn him down...why? It's not like he's asking you to get married or have his kids he's just asking you to hang out so you both can get to know each other better. Besides what grantee do you have that you won't like the guy maybe he find's out something about you that's a turn off. Wouldn't it be better to figure out if maybe it's mutual." And all I got was a surprised look and actually no valid answer or even a response.

    So it got me thinking that maybe it's some sort of filter or defense mechanize designed to prevent women from getting hurt or fall for the guys that they aren't really sure about. So better to turn them down than risk it one will come along that will fit the criteria.

    Now consider this we can all agree that you can't judge a book by it's cover but we do it all the time and sometimes learn this lesson the hard way. And maybe in some cases our instincts are right but consider this. A guy and a girl go out because in the beginning you can't be sure what the other person has to offer and there are only two possible outcomes they both realize that they have lot's in common and this attracts them and a relationship is formed or one of them or both of them realize that this is not for them and they go each their separate ways. But the kicker is that this way at least they both know that it would have not worked out as comparing to the other way around where it's usually the guy that gets turned down and then since he's being bombarded with the information that he has to try more he get's turned down a lot witch can be devastating.

    Yes we are biological and yes to a degree we already have biological filters in place to help us decide who our mate would be but we're also a sentient species where we can use our intellect to do things that other life forms would not since they go by instinct that's what makes us different and at the top of the evolutionary ladder.

    In fact if we only used our instincts there's a good chance that we are condemning ourselves as a species because only biological good enough specimens will survive but that doesn't necessarily mean that this will evolve a more intellectual species.

    For fun if you're considering thinking about some of this stuff try watching the movie Idiocracy and try to grasp the idea behind it rather just watching it and laughing.

    I don't know but sometimes I try to think about this stuff and try to change my way of looking at the world maybe try to make a small difference.

    • yet they would fall for every good looking guy no matter what his problems are

  • Because they are just full of themselves and have an inflated ego:


    It has gotten worse the past 10 years.

  • Everyone has their own personal preference and likes and dislikes with the opposite sex. Some are flexible with this and some aren't. Everyone is allowed to date as they please, it's their lives anyways.

    If you don't meet "requirements" of one girl, then you just gotta suck it up and move on lol.

  • becuase the world favors them and they only care about looks

  • That's because they want to find quality guys. Just like how we prefer attractive women from those ugly ones.

  • They have every right to be choosy, just as men do.

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    • And they have every right to be, just as I said.

    • Perhaps, but WHY are they? eh?

      Also, if men get picky about women's looks, you get a huge amount of backlash. If women are just as picky towards men, we say "they have every right to be choosy".

      If people can't acknowledge double-standards like that, then they probably don't know what equality actually looks like.

  • natural selection sucks