Do bisexual women change their standards?

When dating, do bisexual women change their standards when they are dating a man vs a woman?

I've been reading up stuff about Norah Vincent spending 18 months as a guy, and according to her, the standards were totally different. That when dating women as a woman, there was nothing to prove. It was like two people casually getting to know each other on the premise that they could take it farther.

But during her period as a man, it was much more of an uphill battle. Rejections were more harsh and expectations were much higher.

Here's a quote from her:

"Dating women as a man was a lesson in female power, and it made me, of all things, into a momentary misogynist… I disliked their superiority, their accusatory smiles, their entitlement to choose or dash me with a finger-tip, an execution so lazy, so effortless, it made the defeats and even the successes unbearably humiliating. Typical male power feels by comparison like a blunt instrument, its salvos and field strategies laughably remedial next to the damage a woman can do with a single cutting word: no."

I'm not here to accuse. If any bisexual women are on here, I would be interested how your expectations of women compare to men.

More Excerpts.



Most Helpful Girl

  • This is an interesting question.

    In my teens and early twenties, I'll admit that I had a fair amount of internalized misogyny. I believed a lot of negative stereotypes about women---that most women were dramatic, catty, gossipy, superficial, entitled, overemotional, uptight, whiney, etc. Guys, on the other hand, I saw them as fun, relaxed, straight-forward, easier to get along with, etc. During this time, I thought: I'll have sex with other women, but not a relationship. I was far MORE judgmental of other women than I was men. I was much more open and forgiving toward men than I was toward women.

    When I realized the unfair stereotypes I was placing on women, I became more open toward them and less judgmental, and now I'd say that I don't judge women harsher than I judge men (or vice versa).

    I will say, however, that despite being MORE judgmental toward women, I feel like I was (and am) more likely to agree to go on a date with a woman simply because I meet far less bisexual/lesbian women than I do straight men, and its even rarer to meet one who is additionally interested in me. I do feel more inclined to give her a chance, simply because the opportunity arises so rarely for me. (But on the other hand, I've been far more likely to get into a RELATIONSHIP with a man).

    This has been my experience with dating and rejection (but obviously it might not be representative of all bisexual women's experiences):

    Men are far more likely to ask a woman out directly and they often do it without clear indication that the woman is interested. When you ask someone out directly, you're far more likely to get an outright "no". That blunt rejection hurts and can be humiliating. And when you're feeling those negative feelings, its easy to project negative views on the woman who did the rejecting (e.g. she thinks she's superior to me, she feels "entitled to choose or dash me", etc). You don't *know* what the woman is thinking, but you assume the worse because you feel insecure. (To note, I'm not saying that there aren't SOME women who are jerks in the way that they reject someone, but I think that many women are perceived as being jerks even though that isn't their intention).

    In my experience, women are more likely to take a subtle approach. You take time to feel each other out (and especially because there's a good chance that the other woman might be straight). You flirt a bit, and see how she responds. If she responds back in a flirty way, you gradually escalate. By the time you do ask her out, you feel pretty certain that she's going to say yes. If you aren't getting any feedback that suggests that she's into you too, its disappointing, but you don't face any blunt rejection and its easy to just remain friends with her. I also think its easier to have plausible deniability, since many women flirt with each other in a joking/fun way (even if they're straight). Additionally, you can ask another woman if she wants to have dinner with you, and she'll

    • likely say yes regardless of whether or not she's interested in you (and then, based on how she interacts with you, you can either treat it as dinner with friends, or treat it as a date). And even when you both know that you're interested in each other, I think it's easier to think: Even if this doesn't work out romantically, I've still made a good friend, since you view women as both potential partners and potential friends (whereas it seems like a lot of men have a difficult time being just

    • friends with someone they're attracted to (hence the "friend zone")).

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 6

  • that is only one woman, it doesn't mean they all think the same thing

  • yes they do, they would obviously look for different things

  • I think the issue is not that women are crueler than men, but that her attractiveness was much lower when she was a man than when she was a lesbian. Mostly, probably, because she wasn't actually a man and was trying to date heterosexual females. It is difficult for anyone who is not sexually desirable to the opposite sex, including dumpy, lonely women as well as ugly, awkward men. Mating, in general, is a difficult process, because what's good for the human race, isn't necessarily what makes the individual happy.

    • ..and her justifying rape as a side effect of a sad, rejected male doesn't really make sense, either. Sexually desirable men rape, well as murder. It seems to be a separate issue, perhaps one of childhood abuse?

    • Show All
    • She came out to several of them, actually. I know that isn't quite what you're looking for.

      It was just by far her least favorite experience as a guy, and totally different than how it was dating as a lesbian.

    • I'm not really looking for anything, just curious if there are women out there who would date a man who turned out to be a woman and just go with it. Obviously dating as a fake guy wouldn't work as well as dating as who she really is.

  • ya I think so . Well they get chicks that look or act like dudes

  • That's just one woman

    • Actually, it was several women, and quite a few approaches.

  • I do think there are two different standars sometimes, but it would only be because women know how women act, we don't all understand men.


What Guys Said 1

  • I think we already knew women were normally in a power position in traditional dating, although always second to the Don Trump corporate guys who dominate the dating scene...We don't need transgenders to tell us this.

    That's why I gave up on traditional dating in my teens..