Can I fix things or have I already made my bed

Hey all, I'll try to keep this story short so it's easy to follow. I realize everyone on could write novels to summarize their questions to get to their point. I'm semi new here, this is my first question but I've been answering some of yours with my opions. Here goes...

-I met a woman about 2 years ago and we fell in love

-After dating her for about 4/5 months, she moved out of state verrry far away. We lost contact ( long story )

-She moved back to the state about 5 months ago and contacted me

Things were great at first. We talked all day long from the moment we waked up until we went to bed through all means of communication. It's hard to see her because we live about 45 minutes apart, she has kids that go to bed late, and wake up early and she lives with her parents, so it's hard for her to come to my apt. It's hard to see her as much as I'd like.

We've had our rocky moments but as of lately I feel like I wasn't really wanted anymore or needed by her. We started talking less, hours would go by before messages were responded to. I started seeing her less.

Instead of trying to talk to her about it, I decided to not talk to her one day. that turned into 3 or 4 days of me ignoring her. I don't know what I was thinking but I was hoping that maybe she'd blow up my phone or tell me she missed me or whatever. I did get a few texts and phone calls from her but nothing major.

Anyway I hate myself for that. We've talked since then but things are just different now. She doesn't respond to my texts much, or phone calls. We talk on the computer sometimes but even then it's a lot of "dry" conversation. Then again, what do I expect? I deserved this.

I can't believe I did that. I'm kicking myself, I'm extremely upset. She told me that during that time I ignored her she was having trouble sleeping and right before that she was put on meds for anxiety. She told me she REALLY needed me and I wasn't there. That crushed me.

So that's it huh? Not really anyway to fix that, is there? I wanna see what you guys have to say.

I've apologized to her, I wrote her a long email explaining how I felt and that I was sorry and what I wanted to come of us. I text her once or twice a day saying things like, "hope you're having a wonderful day, Good morning :) etc (they mostly go unanswered)

At this point I don't know what I should be doing. Should I keep sending her simple messges like that so she knows I'm thinking about her and cares? Or should I withdraw a little. I don't want to annoy or smother her and turn her off
but at the same time I want her to know that I'm thinking about her, want to talk to her, and am sorry for what I did.

What would you do in my situation?


Most Helpful Guy

  • it sounds to me that the relationship has too many obstacles for success. Between the distance, life circumstances, etc. it seems like you too are fighting for something that might not be won.

    It's like the Vietnam war or something. Even when given better circumstances (like living closer) it seems that there are still many obstacles that are perhaps too big to overcome.

    I hate to say it but I think you should move on. Perhaps if the fates destine it circumstances will change but as it is it seems like you two are fighting for something that is a difficult to win and as there are so many other things going on in your lives it's hard to manage a complicated relationship and deal with everything else without slacking and not putting 100% into everything

    • You kinda hit the nail on the head here. Which surprises me since I didn't give too man details of our relationship. You're right, there are and have been MANY obstacles here, not just what I mentioned about the distance between us, her having two kids, her living with her parents. She is also going through a divorce...her ex molested her daughter. She goes to therapy every week for it, so you're right... many things indicate it's not our time.Unfortunately you can't pick and choose who love

    • wow! so yeah she's even got more stuff in her life than I knew. I would think that she relishes your friendship and companionship. And perhaps down the road when her life is more stable things could happen but as it is now she is probably pulled in so many directions that a real relationship isn't possible. But it seems like you two have a honest connection and if you can just be a rock in her life I bet she'd appreciate it more than you would ever know

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What Guys Said 4

  • It sounds like you overthought this way too much but you're not entirely to blame given the situation. Let this girl go man, relationships are a two way street and if she's not willing to step up to the plate then that's on her. I think the best you can hope for is that she'll come to her senses sometime and give it another shot.

    But there's an important lesson here. You were playing games with her by ignoring her and testing her level of committment to the relationship which I don't blame you for but it sounds like that's what crushed you ultimately. So remember that for next time.

    • You're probably right. I think I've been way over thinking things. I have been of work (just got a job today though!) so I haven't been doing much other than sitting around and thinking about things. I don't have many friends here so I've been kinda lonely and missing her texts and what not. Maybe I have to remember the reason this all started in the first place?

    • I actually worked under a dating consultant once and he calls what you did "pedastaling", it's where you put something (or someone) on a pedestal above everything else. Don't do it. I think you're right in that you didn't have much time on your hand and that contributed to the situation.

      In light of this here's my recommendation: Fill your life up with things that get you meeting other people especially women. The best relationships are ones that are formed in person through common interests.

  • You can attempt to apologize and make things right. But really you need to work on your maturity level as well. Give it a shot, you'll never know if you don't try.

    • Thanks, and you're right. I have been doing a lot thinking about my actions. Need to grow up

  • Stop worrying about this chick... go on the hunt again

  • Forget about her.

    Look, if she's not sucking your d*** or sleeping with you, then she's not your girlfriend.

    You don't owe her anything.

    Her saying she "needed" you is the female equivalent of guys who f*** girls and dump them immediately afterward. She is *using* you, and knows it, and will never be your girlfriend.

    She is the female equivalent of the a**hole jerk who f***s women and runs.

    The moment you showed a sliver of backbone, she dumped on you emotionally to bring you back in line - implying it was all your fault and she needed you and blah blah blah.

    Forget about her. Find a real girl to date, somewhere local to you. This girl is a user, and is pure poison for you man. I hope you cop on and realize this, but most guys in LDR's like this never do.

    • Hahaha, this made me laugh man! you are right about one thing, it's been over a month since she did either of those :/

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