Is playing the dating game really necessary?

After being friend zoned recently, even after following tips I've read up online, I realized something: I didn't feel at all natural during the times I hung out with this girl. First hangout felt fine, but the second hangout I felt too nervous and felt the need to build attraction so I can get a date, and I got friend zoned anyhow.

But after much given thought, I was thinking, is it really necessary to play the whole "self confident guy that needs to intitiate flirty touches to instill any sort of interest?" I feel nervous and awkward doing so, and it just doesn't feel comfortable or natural for me.

I feel I should just act as myself how I would act around my other friends, especially around a girl I like.

Do I really need to do the whole "3 day no contact rule", "wait for her to come to me so I can make her miss me?" and all those other nifty dating "tips." If I want to contact her, or any girl for that matter, I should damn well please to do so. I think the only thing I would consider is if I asked her plainly and directly "Would you like to go on a date on (insert date and activity here)?" so I can express my intentions.

Hell, I'm wondering if getting to know her as a friend first and then pursuing a relationship might work because at that point, I know who she really is.

What do you guys think?


Most Helpful Girl

  • Most people don't know if they want to be your partner when the first meet you. Flirting is a way to build sexual attraction. Friendship without sexual attraction is just sexual attraction. Some people are naturally charming and alluring. Some us are not. So, we pick up these "tips" to learn how to use our sensual, playful side to show our interest. You don't want to be friends, you want a lover ... that's why being friends often backfires. Most often, you didn't make the girl lose interest in you, but you wasted a bunch of time and energy going after a goal you didn't actually want. It's good to know if she's attracted to you from the start, if what you want is a lover, a partner...

    The thing is, flirting doesn't make a girl who isn't interested in you interested, but it does help a girl who might be interested in you realize it. (The same goes for girls with guys ... being flirtatious, fun, open, inviting, warm, etc ... is better than being dull, closed off, boring, cold, etc).

    That being said, asking a girl on a date directly isn't a bad idea, either. The "no contact" thing is a way to get people who jump into feeling immediately connected to a relative stranger to build intimacy slowly and progressively. Dating isn't about having a girlfriend or boyfriend on the first outing ... it's about getting to know people.

    • Wow. My multitasking didn't pay off there. That should have said "Friendship without sexual attraction is just friendship."

    • yeah that confused me for a sec lol

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • If you're trying to flirty touch someone, and that does not come natural to you, she's going to pick up on that. It'll make her uneasy too, to say the least. It's hard to just be yourself around someone you are romantically interested in. I'm an extremely social person and outgoing, but if I'm around someone I think is attractive, I'll probably quiet down, clam up a bit. You certainly don't want to contact her all the time, but if you want to get a hold of her then do it. Don't worry so much about how many days it's been or whatever, just do what feels natural to you in the circumstance.


What Guys Said 3

  • Sure, it's a game. And you do have to play it (despite what anyone else might say). You're just playing it wrong. If you feel the need to build attractiveness, you're going to try too hard. By displaying signs that you really like her, especially before she really likes you, she already knows that she can have you if she wants. This is a huge turn off to most women. Women love to chase as much as they love to be chased. If she feels like she already has you in the bag, she's going to lose interest quickly.

    Act like yourself. Act exactly as you would act around your friends. Just treat her as a good friend who you're getting to know. At least for the first few dates. Wait for her to show signs of being attracted to you before you take it any further at all. By doing this, she's going to think that she still has to work to get you to like her. Which means her romantic interest in you will be escalated, and your chances of being friend zoned are almost nil.

    NOTE: The above does not work on very submissive or insecure girls. They will have to be very aggressively pursued right off the bat.

    No, you don't have to wait the whole 3 day thing. Call her whenever you want. Wait till at least the next day though. If she doesn't answer, wait for her to call you back.

    Lastly, you don't have to play any of those 'wait for her to come to you' games. I actually really dislike doing this. It makes a girl feel very insecure if she has to pursue you that hard. The only time I'll do this is if she blew me off somehow.

    Good luck!

    • Man that really makes a lot of sense

    • iamwoot is right. Be yourself, don't play games, but do not be carried away either, because it can be eerie. About the 'wait for her to come to you' games, if a guy waits too long, I just write him off as not interested.

  • In my experience, here is what works:

    -- Self-confidence: YES, absolutely. This is the #1 character trait for guys who want to be successful in the dating world. If you don't come across as confident, you won't last long.

    -- Flirty touches: NO, at least not in the early stages of dating. Too many times, I've seen women turned off by guys who are too "handsy" too soon. She will let you know when it's okay to make physical contact.

    -- No contact for X number of days: That depends on several factors. In my case, it usually works out to 3-5 days, mainly because we both have busy lives and it takes a bit of time and effort to arrange a date. Also, I don't want to make her feel "smothered" by contacting her too much before we have a chance to see each other again.

    -- Asking her out: Don't start the sentence with, "Would you like to..." Instead try something like, "I want to take you out for [insert activity here] on [insert day here]. I'll pick you up at [insert time here]. What's your address?" A confident guy acts as if the date is already a done deal; if she declines, it's her loss.

    -- Friends first: NO. Don't make the mistake of even trying to go down that road. There's no more effective way to be "friend-zoned" than to try that "friends first" nonsense. If you like a woman, ask her out immediately. Let her know from day one that you don't want to be just her friend.

    • For the friend's first part: That's just it, I don't feel comfortable being so forward right off that bat. I mean why would she go out with someone she just met without establishing some sort of trust with a guy first?

    • Confident guys are that forward right off the bat, and women go for the confident guys. If a woman has high interest in you, she'll want to go on a date with you. It's that simple. The whole point of a date is to get to know each other better; you establish trust by going on a bunch of dates. If you insist on starting out in women's "friend zones" before you date them, they'll pass you up and date the confident guys who weren't afraid to ask them out immediately. Happens all the time...

  • modern dating rules are bs.

    just be yourself and do your thing.

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