Why all the texting? Am I saying the wrong thing? I need a guy translator

Okay, so I broke it off with my ex almost 3 months ago. We are still friends and trying to work on that friendship. We text and talk to each other. Sometimes it's positive texts, ie " I'm going to work on myself and get you back" "I hope you have a great day" "I'm going to get things done". Most nights though I have to suffer through a barage of negative text novels. "I hate you, you abandoned me" "I hate myself" "Everything is sh*t" type stuff. This is normally when he's drunk too. I was texting ( and yes, I tried to call but he won't pick up the phone) for over 2 hours late last night. At one point he asked me be honest, asked if I saw a future at all. Here's my response, word for word:

"I have been totally honest with you. I feel that yes, there could still be a future. But, as I have also said, I don't see that happening anytime soon. I can't give you a timeline as to how long it may be. By working on our friendship we might be able to heal the hurt we've caused each other and make sure whatever form our would relationship take would be strong. I don't expect you to wait as that wouldn't be fair to you and it could cause resentment between us. If we ever were to rekindle I would expect you to be single and not seeing/dating anyone else at that time. I can't fault you if you start dating or sleeping with somebody while we're broken up. Would it hurt, yes. But it's not right of me to say that you're not allowed.

Yes, I did want you as my partner and still do. But you need to prove to me that you can be an equal partner. And I'm not talking financially."

His response: " Well I am a f***ing fool because you don't know what you want and what that means is you can do whatever you want and whomever you want as well. Maybes don't mend broken hearts." That theme went on for about 10 more messages.

So here's the question: Am I not being clear? Am I saying it all wrong? Also, how do I get him to understand that these negative text novel "conversations" are pushing me away and making it hard to be his friend?

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm the one who ended the relationship as it wasn't working for me, there were many small things that built up over time. I don't hate him, we just weren't the best match. I really do want to be his friend and he still has keys to my place and some stuff here. He also owes me money. A lot of money ( one of the factors in the breakup). We've talked and he's agreed to stop with the texts. Let's see if he follows through


Most Helpful Guy

  • I think he's just a very, very, very immature person. He's like a little boy who's toy was taken away from him (You're the toy by the way). It sounds like he has an incredible amount of growing up to do.

    You should cut him off completely. Not only will this free you from what seems like a rather toxic relationship, it will help him to realize that he needs to grow up and start acting like a man.

    Simply tell him, "I can't be associated with you until you mature some more. I hope one day we can be friends, but not right now." And then sever all contact. Sure, he'll bitch and moan like a whiny little kid, but that's no longer your problem. Time for you to live your life, and stop helping him live his.

    (You may also want to talk to his family and tell them he might be depressed. From the way he sounds, that's probably not it, but better safe than sorry.)


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What Guys Said 2

  • Translation: He is still in love and is hurt by the fact that the relationship is over. He is searching for answers and trying to find some closure. While he is trying to get used to the whole "I got demoted to friend because I'm a worthless piece of sh*t" issue.

    My advice is to stop trying to make a friendship out of a previous relationship so soon. You need time apart so he can get back to being his normal single self and forget what "love" he associated with you.

  • You're making a common mistake. Neither of you will be able to get over the break up if you keep seeing each other and/or talking to each other. Give it a couple years, and then decide if you two want to be friends and, if so, contact him again. Right know you can't be friends, you're exes. All those hate texts are just him, hurting over your break up.


What Girls Said 2

  • sounds like he's insecure about you as he seems to think you will go off and sleep/date others while you are telling him you don't want him to see anyone, make it clear that it'd be a two way thing (if you are sure you don't want to move on, in which case cut all contact with him as he is leading himself on by clinging to your texts)

    the whining then switching to heart winning texts of ill work on myself is guilt tripping; he wants you back asap and he will make you feel guilty by talking about his depression or saying you abandoned him or that he isn't good enough but he will make improvements but often the guy won't really be truly depressed. one of my ex boyfriends pulled this but went to the extremes saying he'd kill himself if I didn't come back to him and it was my fault for abandoning him and ruining our relationship (it wasnt, he was clingy and jealous), I left him and told his family to keep and eye on him. within a month of zero contact he had another girlfriend and had moved on.

  • Sorry, you might think I'm a bitch because of this message, but I think he's a bit... mental and immature and you let him be. As I see it, you let him play with you.

    The messages, does he want you back or not? Let him choose, because those messages are confusing and stupid. He can't say he wants you back, and a day later sent another message, saying he hates you. That's not how it works.

    I would say, stop talking to him for awhile, give him a choose. Let him choose what he wants to do, try to mend whatever it is you two have, or let it stay broken. And he better stick to that choice.