Hard-to-Get 30-Year-Old Guy?!

I know I'm going to catch flack for this, but, after being burned and cheated on in all my relationships from being too easy to get and not setting myself up as a "prize" in the guy's eyes by being somewhat unavailable and hard to get, I've begun to implement it as a strategy in my dating life.

I, a very old-souled 21 year old, met a 30-year-old guy on an iPhone app (I know, but I'm careful) that allows you to interact with people around you. It's gotten quite popular lately. We talked, traded photos, and he asked for my number.

Ever since then, we've been playing this game. I never text him first, as I know it devalues you in guys' eyes and makes you easier to get. He always texts me first, but unless the convo is about guns/military/motorcycles/things he likes, I generally get 3-5 word messages. We've both not text each other back. And, he's went two days without initiating a conversation.

This has been rocking on for two-three weeks now. I really think we've both opened up slowly about some things. I can also see why he's single at 30, as he's very young in his ways and obviously doesn't know how, or doesn't want to make the effort to ask me out.

So, my question is: am I just a text buddy? (He generally texts everyday and good morning). Am I just interesting him because I'm not easy to get? Is he just playing hard to get with me? Does he have commitment phobia (he's said he hasn't found anyone to even get close to marrying)? Is he taking it slow? What's his deal?


Most Helpful Guy

  • First of all, that's such an ego-based interpretation of what's going on around you, and an even more ego-based belief that you can actually get a quality guy (i.e., someone you actually want) to behave a certain way for you.

    It's all about negotiating power. You either have it or you don't. You're either a young attractive women, that's educated and financially successful and truly genuinely independent (i.e., not just able to take care of herself at a minimum, but also able to take care of her non-working partner and her children if she needed to). If you have the hard assets, those objectively verifiable goods and value you bring to the table, then you have something to negotiate with. If you don't bring that to the table, if life didn't really deal you a Royal Flush, then by all means - bluff! Use those hard-to-get tactics and pray for the best.

    I hate to break it to you, but women are picky, more picky than men are. Their standards are much higher. That being said, good-looking women are not exactly "rare." Yes, they're "uncommon." Given a random population of 100 women (of a sexually acceptable age; no kids no oldies), about less than half of them will actually be sexually attractive. Take the same sample of 100 men, and less than 5% of them will be sexually attractive.

    I don't mean guys a girl could see herself having sex with for the rest of her life in light of his vast amounts of wealth and personality. Nope. I mean, take the biggest a**hole and broke-ass man out there, but strap this guy's body and face on him, pump the girl up on sodium pentathol to take away her inhibition or any mental reservations she has, and see where her natural lusts leads her. Does she want him "sexually," or not?

    Now, ADD things like personality and wealth into the picture, and a "quality" man is much rarer to find than an attractive woman. So, just based off of rarity, I totally follow the emotional motivation to feel insecure and as if you have nothing you're bringing to the table that even compares with everything this man has to offer you. I totally get the need to bluff and contrive this mystical vague notion that you're somehow "hard-to-get" for some unknown and unexplained reason that's totally at odds with the reality of your average-to-mediocre personal circumstances. But what I don't understand is this irrational belief that a quality man isn't used to dealing with women just like this who pull this routine on him time and time again.

    Heck, I'm not some multi-billionaire, but I'm still used to it, and as soon as a girl does that, I can literally feel some "ignore" switch going off in my brain as she almost instantaneously ceases to be a part of my attention or life. So, if you honestly believe you're being clever and that he's not going to automatically and involuntarily put you in that mental dump pile, then by all means, go right ahead and play "hard-to-get" all you want.

    • No offense, but all I read was a whole lot of fluff. Your interpretation of "independent" is too centered on money. It's emotional, mental, sexual, etc. dependency on a man, as well. I don't need one, but I want one. Yes, I am a catch. I finally realize it. The fact that he hasn't given up is a good sign, in my opinion. He goes after what he wants and isn't insecure if the woman doesn't chase him. I agree that everyone seems ordinary, thus why we feel the need tools ourselves stand out.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 2

  • LOL. No guy who's worth dating can be manipulated into acting the way you want him to act. And no guy who's worth dating would date a girl who's trying to manipulate him.

    Either you've been going for the wrong guys, or you need to improve yourself in some way. There is no such thing as 'game' as girls.

    • Obviously I'm going for the wrong guys. I have a lot to offer - intelligence, beauty, independence, good heart - and I finally realized this and have confidence. I'm not trying to manipulate, just be not so available.

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    • As for why you should bother with a guy who doesn't ask you out on a date, if guys took the same atttitude, no one would be in a relationship. You've just got to realize that you've got a lot of competition. 99% of guys and girls aren't so amazing that they blow all their competitors out of the water. That's life. Every day I see many attractive girls. I don't have the time/energy to ask them all out. I'm sure every day those girls see guys who are as good as or better than me. That's life.

    • That's not my problem. My problem is that I intimidate the f*** out of most men because of all the good qualities I have. One guy said he was out of my league because I was "sexy, sane, and smart". You make some good points. So does she. After being squashed for being myself and telling the truth, I guess I'm a bit reserved nowadays. I don't open up to just anyone.

  • He's either talkiing to you for the attention, or he seriously likes you...but sucks at "closing the deal". This has been going on way too long. You've gotta let him go.

    • I agree. I'm not one for rushing things, but this is ridiculous. I think his inability to "close the deal", or laziness in a way, is one reason why he's still single. I hate that we have a lot in common and jive well, but he just can't seem to act like a man and take things to the next level.

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    • lol...good luck.

    • Thank you!

What Girls Said 2

  • Playing hard to get never gets you anywhere. And never initiating isn't smart, it says there's no interest on your part. It's all one sided. There's also no law saying guys have to ask you out first. Especially if you've never met in person, then it's okay for you to suggest meeting up to grab some coffee or anything else that doesn't take a lot of time. And making a guy pay for some other guy's mistakes is stupid. Putting up walls hurts nobody but yourself. If you want to be a “prize” by all means act like that and play games. I'd rather be high value and appreciated for who I am.

    • You must be in favor of a feminist view of dating. This is exactly why men aren't men anymore and expect us to chase them, more than not. I get it might not show interest, but if I don't like you, I will NOT make time for you in my busy schedule. Why can't you not initiate until they've proven their interest? Asking a man out is killing the chase and his value of you, subconsciously. Trust me, honey, I am high value. That's why I won't lower myself to a desperate state to chase/ask out a man.

    • Well, it's never failed for me yet. I never plan dates, I just suggest meeting up. I don't chase. I have no time for that. I don't initiate all the time, maybe one in 3 times. I just make my standards known and so far, they've always been met. Men are still men, and they appreciate that I don't play games.

  • Quit playing freaking games. 'Old souls' don't play games. There is a certain amount to be said about not overwhelming a guy by contacting him too often right away, but you have to put some effort into it. If you don't EVER inititiate, he may be feeling like you aren't interested in him enough to go out on a date with him. If he feels you aren't that interested, he probably is going to be nervous about asking you out. Or, since all you seem to talk about are HIS interests . . . wouldn't your 'old soul' self assume that meant maybe he's more into talking about himself than he into wanting to get to know you? Do you want to date that person? Cmon now, quit with the f'in around and just be yourself. You don't completely make a guy chase you, you match his interest. If anything, give just a TAD less until you know you have him interested, but when I say a TAD, that's exactly what I mean.

    • Lol. Why initiate with a guy who doesn't even see me desirable enough to ask out on a date? That's my view. I'm just a small talk girl, it seems.

      Very true. He is a bit childish in wanting to mostly talk about himself.

      Just being myself has got me nowhere in the past except cheated on and discarded. I am myself, just not readily available at his command.

      I don't match interest. As I iterates above, men have gotten lazy and don't know how to pursue = this guy. I'm done co-chasing.

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    • If he isn't attentive enough to finish a conversation, or get back to you before the end of today, then maybe he isn't that interested, or he's busy playing stupid games too. I guess if I were you, I'd continue to date and meet other people, that way you won't be overanalyzing everything and waiting for him to get back to you. If you're busy with other people and doing your own thing, it won't matter so much. Plus, maybe you'll be the 'right' guy then. :-)

    • Surprisingly, he actually text me back with more enthusiasm than usual! That's true. I'm guessing he might just be playing games, or not sure if I'm REALLY interested. I just hate investing my time - which is how I show I'n interested - in something you're not taking seriously, after being playful for a while. I prefer to take it to another level, or move on, after the playful stage. I think talking to others would be best. We'll see how my contact today went. Maybe it's what he needed!