If women are supposed to have guys grow on them, what to do when you're waiting for it to happen?

Most people agree that females are meant to date guys they grow to enjoy and feel attraction for, rather than those they feel it for quickly. I never know what to do in the meantime. To be fair, I am polite, split dates and keep an open mind, but often my desire to put in any effort fizzles out without a good motivator to keep me going. What am I doing wrong here?


Most Helpful Girl

  • What to do when you're waiting for it to happen?

    Perhaps it's suited to look around for better options while dealing with the current option.

    What am I doing wrong here?

    In my opinion what you are doing 'wrong' is listening to advice from a patriarchal society as such advice I find tends to be way more for guys' benefit than gal's benefit as this 'grow on them' bullsh*t and cowsh*t is more for guys to get gals that are out of their league and for guys guilt/shame the gals they want into dating them.

    • I'm not sure it's a convention or just an unpleasant fact of nature. I'm not saying that it's either ... I'm ambivalent to say the least when it comes to this.

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What Guys Said 2

  • I'm not sure you're doing anything wrong, but I don't know.

    Men, to be honest, seem to be a lot more excited about the average woman then women are about the average man.

    Do you find there are really so few guys that you feel quick attraction for? Or is it really only guys who are way out of your league? Why are you trying to settle?

    • I think part of the reason that men are more excited (at first) is that men tend to have shorter-term goals in mind for a potential partner, while women are generally trying to weight if the partner is going to be a good fit long-term. For example, I noticed some red flags with my last boyfriend that I pushed myself to overlook and they ended up being pretty big issues in our relationship. He eventually broke up with me, but I admit wanting to break up with him on many occasions, too.

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    • Often, it's a combination. Say, I'm only at a 5 level of attraction AND he talks incessantly about himself or I'm a 7 level attraction but we have nothing in common. Those were my last two dates, for example. With my last boyfriend, I was 6-6.5 attraction and found him objectively good looking . We had good conversation, so I kept dating him. But I picked up on (and worked to push past) uptight vibes and some weird questions he asked me that ended up playing into the reasons we broke up.

    • I realized that I should say, too, that the things I listed were more of analogies. Those things happened or they said those things, but it was more of a general pattern that I picked up rather than everything being perfect EXCEPT him saying or doing one wrong thing. Politics guy seemed like a pretentious douche, fight guy had anger issues, parking guy behaved as if he were extremely domineering, etc.

  • Most people are stupid. People rarely "grow" on people all that much. If your society however tells you to learn to suck it up guess what you'll eventually do? Come to GaG confused why your actual self doesn't work with the shadowmyth of who you should be and how it should work of course!


    • Well if who you are doesn't work and who you're supposed to be doesn't work ... That doesn't leave many options. Haha.

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    • If I could hug you right now, I would. Congratulations! You just solved The Riddle. Of course a solution without a choice is worthless so now it's up to you as to whether you choose to live free of the bondage of "Should".

    • It's possible that I'm not being shackled by "should" as much as I'm lazy and wish things would work in the way that they seem to work for others. Ha, ha.

What Girls Said 2

  • I'm the same way, if I'm reading this correctly. I get really into a guy, but once the initial spark wears off, I stop trying. I always tell myself that if I were meant to be with the guy, I would put the effort in all the time, not just In the beginning.

    • I don't start with much spark, many times. Hmmm...

    • That definitely makes putting in effort harder!

  • in my opinion growing means you have to at least like him a little bit at first, but maybe not necessarily head over heels.

    if you are not any more interested after 2-3 dates than you were after one, it isn't going to happen.

    and if you are UNattracted to him, not just neutral, it isn't going to change.

    in my opinion growing works better when you were say friends first. when you are going on dates with new guys it's hard for that to happen

    • Indeed, most of the guys I've had strong feelings for were friends or somehow familiar, such as friends of friends. I'm not sure how to create that atmosphere now that I'm in the "grown up" world.