I heard that the guy I'm dating has been physically abusive. What should I do?

I consider myself a fairly smart women in her late 20's. Anyways, I met whom I thought was a great guy a few months ago. We never weren't really friends, but we've gotten to know eachother better over the past few weeks. The more I'd talk to him, the more I realized that I thought we shared a special connection. Not only that, but his friends and coworkers always rave about what a great, nice guy he is. This had me over the moon and made me start liking him even more.

However, I was telling this to an older woman that I know. I told her that I was kindof attracted to him. She stopped me dead in my tracks and told me that she has heard that he has been physically abusive in his past 2 relationships. I questioned her on it because it didn't match his mellow persona and what others have been saying about him.

She said that he dated her co-worker's niece and they used to physically fight. Then she said he dated her ex-boyfriend's niece as well and the girl was in love with him, but he was violent. I'm not sue what exactly she means by violent ... like if he hit or not. I didn't ask about the details. She told me to stay away from him. She knows him through these 2 people but she doesn't know him that well. She said this was a long time ago ... but still.

I'm lost for words. I mean, everyone who claims to know him only has brilliant things to say about him. Yet she told me something that would be a complete deal breaker for me. I'm not sure if I should believe it. I don't think I am well acquainted enough with him to bring this up. She believes it to be true and I don't know what to believe. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Hey everyone, thanks for your answers! I'm still very unsure of what to do. To me, he's been an absolute sweetheart. But what the lady told me still remains in my mind & it makes me wonder if everything he is doing is fake. Let's say this did happen ... do you think that people can change over time? If I see any indicatation of physical abuse present in him, I will run like forest. But still ... can people change.


Most Helpful Guy

  • The fact you are even writing this question already means you are in good shape. If you go in for this guy, I'm sure you'll spot any indication of rough moves quick and you'll be strong and intolerant from the get-go, laying down the rules of the relationship from the incipient stage. You're obviously not going to be his doormat or a punching bag he can get violent with.

    You should bring it up eventually, but only when you are more established or at least when you feel comfortable. Obviously if the accusations are well-founded and he blows at them for it, you could be party to some awful drama (or even more violence). On the other hand, they could be unfounded. Some people just say wrong things, but there could be some truth in that warning as well. I have seen people horribly maligned and find out someone else had an axe to grind, and I've seen people called out for things that they really did wrong.

    Anyway, just deal with it steadiy as you go. If you're concerned about it, and remain concerned about it, then I doubt its going to become an issue. Women in abusive relationships often blame themselves for the man's violence and thus allow it to perpetuate. That doesn't sound like you, does it?


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What Guys Said 0

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What Girls Said 3

  • you should leave him he's a dick who doesn't deserve you

  • That's a red flag,but she could also have other motives of saying that about himm. If you want to try to figure out the truth, you can try just don't get emotionally involved until you know if he is abusive or not. stay on your guard so you can run with no damages when you know the truth.

    • Thanks for your answer! She doesn't seem to have any motives for saying this about him, but sometimes I wonder if she heard wrong.

    • if more than one person tells you the same thing, you should run as fast as you know, because that's not something that can really change, it's a consequence of some form of abuse that the person went through and it does not get better, it just gets worst. you can try and test him somehow, get him really pissed off and see how he reacts.

  • Take that as a red flag, and run.