Is dating a winner-take-all system?

basically 10% of the men get dozens of women and the other 90% of guys are left with whatever they are lucky enough to settle for.

sounds really cynical (and I ain't blaming women for this) but it feels true


Most Helpful Guy

  • My experience has been more in the middle. I was in a long term relationship for about 4 years, and when I got out of it last winter, I have slept with four women. Two of them beautiful, the other two not so much. I had relationships with a beautiful one, and another relationship with a not so beautiful one.

    This may have been luck... I dunno.

    Maybe I'm fooling myself, but I have no desire to sleep with dozens of women as this apparent 10 percent does.

    Having slept with a high amount of women (for my life), in such a short amount of time has made me realize that I really don't want to sleep with a bunch of women.

    I just want to find one woman, and not a woman I'm settling for, but a woman that I'm really attracted to both physically and mentally.

    I'm also confused with the idea that 10 percent of men get all the women. They may sleep with them, but these men aren't hoarding them, it's not like they take on 20 wives or something. They hook up, then break up, and these women are once again free agents.


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What Girls Said 5

  • The successful 10% make sure they are an asset to women by working on their looks and social skills.

    They take chances and ask women out.

    That's all you need to do.

  • What's your idea of dating? Sounds like it's not long-term otherwise 10% of the guys wouldn't be able to do all of it.

    If you're looking to pick up chicks at bars, yeah - there's a select few types of men who are especially good at that and who have most of the luck.

    If you're looking for something long-term and "real", then it's more like 90% of the guys succeed and 10% of the guys can't figure it out.

    • i mean in terms of getting a girl to go out with you without having to give up an arm or leg of effort

    • Any guy who is actually interested in the girl he is asking out and therefore fearful of rejection is going to feel like he is putting forth tremendous effort, regardless of how much effort is actually needed or exerted. Getting over the fear is what takes the effort. Not getting the date.

  • You are absolutely right - 10% of the guys get dozen of women.

    But then don't dozens of you guys always chase down the same 10% of women?

  • See, I have this problem where I can only seem to attract pedophiles (I'm being 100% honest here too) and the guys that I like are either taken or gay, and then I get friendzoned by everyone else I have a crush, yeah. Dateless forever.

  • that's not true at all


What Guys Said 6

  • What you say is true: 10% of the guys are able to sleep with a big percentage of the women, while the remaining guys have far, far less success.

    But the mistake is to believe that this can't be changed, because it absolutely can.

    See, of the remaining 90% of guys, at least 70% of them have the *potential* to have the same success as that top 10%, it's just that their whole way of thinking about women is wrong. Yes, the bottom 10-20% or so of men have some real issues, usually a combination of appearance, "challenging" personalities, and socialization issues, and they'll always struggle with women. But let's get back to the majority in the middle.

    Those average guys, the middle 70-80%, aren't successful because they don't understand what women want, and/or they aren't willing to do the work (the RIGHT work) to give it to them.

    To use a baseball metaphor, these guys complain that they rarely get a Home Run, but the truth is that they rarely even step up to the plate and take a pitch, much less swing the bat. It's impossible to hit a home run, or even get on base, if you aren't even in the lineup.

    By this, I mean that most guys don't ask enough girls out - they simply don't get enough practice, because they're afraid of failure/rejection. It's like a ball player afraid of striking out, so he won't step into the batter's box, and then he complains that his baseball career isn't going anywhere.

    Until you have enough experience to be GOOD at it, you need to approach EVERY girl you find attractive and ask her out. And so you don't come across as desperate, ASSUME she's going to say "no." Don't have any hopes of a yes, just pretend you are practicing on your sister or something, and practice being friendly and fun when you ask, and NOT caring about the answer. It DOESN'T MATTER if the girls you ask are the "right" girls for you or not; the goal is to get PRACTICE asking girls out, and then PRACTICE going on dates. If you take a girl on a date, and it clearly isn't going to work, politely SAY SO, and thank her for her time, then go back to asking out other girls.

    The other part is to be CONFIDENT and TAKE CHARGE. Do NOT try to be "nice" by giving her all the choices; she wants YOU to make the decisions and take the lead. Yes, take her needs into consideration, but YOU make the decisions. Don't ASK her things, TELL her things. Most of the time, she'll agree or say "yes," and if she has an issue, she'll tell you. But a leader doesn't ask for everyone's opinion before every decision - he knows what the goals are and the steps to get there, and he takes charge and moves forward. If you are a good leader, she WILL follow you, happily, because she'll respect you.

    As Ferris Beuller said, "You can't respect someone who kisses your ass."

  • Why is going through a bunch of different partners considered "successful" and settling down with one person "unsuccessful"?

    Couldn't you also look at it the other way around? If someone's ultimate goal is to get a girlfriend / boyfriend / husband / wife, shouldn't the inability to reach that goal be considered unsuccessful?

    I think most people are looking for a long term partner. Yet we (especially men) look to these alphas and put them on a pedestal. But why?

    I know guys who started dating someone in high school or even middle school. They ended up marrying that person, and now 40 years later they are still married, some with children and grand children. In my book that's called being a winner.

    I also have a friend who always had lots of women. They flocked to him, he didn't even have to do anything. He's talked about marrying a few of them. But some other skirt always came along and off he went. Last year on Thanksgiving he got on IM and start talking to me. He didn't really have much to say. He acted almost depressed. He kept talking much longer than he normally does. He's not like that, so I was wondering what was going on. Then I realized that for the first time in his life he was all alone on the holidays. He is 55 years old now and the women aren't flocking to him any more. He was all alone - thinking back at all the chances he had and threw away.

    Doesn't success or failure depend on your goals and what you want in life?

    • you don't need a dozen partners to be successful. but let's just be honest. some guys get top of the pick and others get potluck

    • I was just making a point. I like to look at things from other points of view.

      Sure, some guys are better than others at getting girls. But I don't feel like they are "stealing" all the good ones.

      That 10% of the guys you mention are probably dating about 10% of the girls. They mostly just date around within the same crowd. I don't feel like the other 90% of girls are nothing more than leftovers. That's not very flattering. I just don't feel like my choices are limited because of a few players

  • Kinda. I've thought for a long time that humans aren't naturally a pair bonding species. Something in between that and a tournament species - in which around 20% of the men get around 80% of the women - IMO.

    • What bothers me most about statements like these is that when people say "80% of the women" what they really mean is "80% of the women worth wanting/I want/the ones deemed acceptable". Women who are ugly, unattractive, or have little to offer aren't even counted as women. So men are like "Well here's the top 20% of women - the best women of all women - the women all the guys compete after... and only 20% of men get them. What gives?"

    • No. I mean 80% of the women.

  • yes

  • Basically. It's in a women's nature to get pregnant by the top 10% of guys and then settle for an average guy that will pay for her stuff and help her raise the kid

    • in your example, the guy in the top 1% isn't taking care of his responsibilities. nothing to do with any womans 'nature'.

    • It has everything to do with a woman's nature.

  • I agree. Humans are more suited to polygyny.