Gf left me because despite being good in every other way, there was "no chemistry". I don't get it?

So I just had my first ever relationship and the girl broke it up. This is a bit of a read so bare with me.

About 6 months or so back I hadn't even kissed a girl, I hadn't gone on a date, I hadn't done anything. So I gave online dating a try and after a couple of failed attempts, I met a girl I really liked and she liked me back. She was absolutely gorgeous and we had a similar background (as we're both living in a foreign country).

We ended up dating for 5 months, about half of which we were "officialy" in a relationship. But then suddenly, kind of out of the blue (though in hindsight after she explained to me it was more obvious) she said she's breaking up with me. The reason? No chemistry!

We had a breakup talk where we came out in the open with everything. It was very civilzed and made me feel better about the whole thing, gave me (and hopefully her) closure on the whole thing.

She said that I was too much of a friend and not enough of a boyfriend to her and as she didn't see things changing, she wanted to end it. Apparently I wasn't confident enough in escalating things with her and our conversations were too much of "how was your day" and not enough of whatever bfs-gfs talk about. In 5 months we did nothing intimate, she never came back to my place, I never saw her naked. We had perhaps 4 proper kisses. At one point she asked me about my past and I admitted to being a virgin (wasn't going to lie to her) which she later said was a bit of a turn-off for her. She said she felt pressure being my first for everything.

This is largely due to my inexperience: as she's the first girl I've had and done anything with (even if that anything wasn't too much) then I didn't have much of a reference point as to what I should be doing to escalate things. So I took her out to all sorts of nice and interesting places, sent her flowers on her birthday, etc. All the stuff I'd read about and a girl should logically appreciate. But what I apparently lacked was the ability to make her fall in love with me.

She said herself that I'm a guy who "ticks all the boxes" when it comes to a list of things she's looking for in a guy (good career, educated, tall, muscular, can cook). Yet somehow this doesn't translate over into chemistry and feelings and I just don't know how. She said how her previous boyfriend was a total loser, a guy slightly older than me who lived at home off his parents and had no future prospects. But somehow he had managed to create chemistry between them.

All this leaves me so confused: how does one not create chemistry even if I did all the rest of the things right? I thought that was it, I had ticked all the "good boyfriend" boxes but apparently there are some other boxes that are less tangible that I wasn't aware of.

So my questions is: how do I create chemistry with a girl? What is it that I need to do in addition to taking her to nice places and being a gentleman? How do I make her sexually attracted to me?


Most Helpful Guy

  • " All the stuff I'd read about and a girl should logically appreciate."

    There's your problem.

    "even if I did all the rest of the things right?"

    Stop thinking like that. You didn't. She just isn't very good at communicating where you failed.

    "how do I create chemistry with a girl?"

    A full answer to that wouldn't fit inside this box here. But you can find out on the site. It's a common problem with guys and their first girlfriends, so you're not the first guy here to have that problem.

    First, confidence in yourself and some humour will definitely help. Second, a certain amount of independence. A frequent problem for young guys is that they are so desperate to make the relationship work that they make it very obvious that they aren't going to be walking away from it.

    Chemistry needs a certain amount of energy, which comes from tension. Sexual tension is just one part. (4 kisses in 5 months? Seriously?) Where the hell is your libido? Why couldn't you "logically" act like a normal guy? Frequently kissing her, trying to get in her pants even though she says no, at least let's her know that you find her sexually attractive. Much more than telling her or buying her flowers.

    Girls always prefer a bit of mystery. But you can take it too far and be completely closed off. And they like some openness, but you can take it too far and be completely unchallenging. I think that's what you did here.

    You should wrap yourself up in layers, like an onion. Reveal little bits at a time.

    Don't be perfect. Don't give her everything she wants. (Or try to.) Be a man. Be a sexual creature. Treat her the same way. Keep her guessing some times. Have a life outside the relationship. Don't be at her beck and call 24/7.

    There's plenty more, but you can get the information from other helpful users on the site.


Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 2

  • You can't force chemistry. It's either there or its not. You can try kindle it, I guess. You just need to show your partner that you're passionate about them. Getting along is VERY important, but it's not the only element in a relationship. That attraction needs to be there. Take control, take initiative. I understand you're inexperienced - but that doesn't mean you can't figure it out.

    It sucks that this happened to you, but I will admit I was in a similar circumstance with my last relationship. He felt the chemistry, but I didn't. It just won't work if it's not there for both of you.

    • I thought taking her out to nice places, sending her good morning and good night texts and bringing her flowers was showing that I was passionate about her, but apparently that was not true.

      What else can I do to show passion?

    • I think the physical relationship was what was missing for her

  • I hate hearing that. Chemistry fades with time and one day she will learn that chemistry is only something that matters in the beginning and is not something that makes a lasting relationship. My friend is debating leaving her husband because of that and I am trying to convince her how great he is and this chemistry she talks about will fade with everybody over time. That it is not one of those important things in a relationship. She is young and will learn this but unfortunately it will be too late because you will have moved on.

    • I think your more specifically talking about passion (sexual) which I agree with.

    • No, I was referring to chemistry. The sexual one can be worked on. The chemistry fades over time in most cases and people need to understand that or they will constantly ruin healthy relationships in search of chemistry that will fade with the next relationship too. I think this is also why some people cheat because they have this naive notion that the relationship they have been in for several years should still have chemistry.

What Guys Said 2

  • Skimmed the block, but I think chemistry is how you feel with each other. She can write everything she thinks she wants (this is often not really what she wants) on paper, but she may not feel happy in the relationship though. This raises the question: would you rather be rich and miserable or poor and content?

    • So which option is the poor and which is the rich one? I tried to be everything I thought a boyfriend should be but turns out that there were some things I was missing and I don't quite know how to correct it.

    • "I tried to be everything I thought a boyfriend should be" That's pretty much impossible to do because what you "should be" is going to differ to every girl. You can try and correct yourself to fill other peoples needs but I don't like this approach. I would rather find someone where it just worked (granted you inevitably adapt and make sacrifices), but seriously focusing on molding yourself in a relationship is bad news imo. I think that's a sign to find another girl.

  • You loaded the gun but never pulled the trigger.