Does not supporting a guy your friend dates make you a bad friend?

We had this thing where she would tell me if she disapproves of a guy I like because she doesn't think he is a good guy or thinks I am using poor judgment and vice versa.

I started getting involved with this guy I knew she did not approve of so I didn't tell her because I knew she doesn't support me and after a short while I broke it off with him.

She met a guy (it's a fling not a potential relationship) when she was with me and I really do not approve and think it is a sleazy situation that does not make her look good at all. So I told her I do not approve and I know it's her life and she should do what she wants but I do not support this guy so I do not want to hear about it. I also told her that she has no right to approve who I date anymore because I don't trust her judgment.

The disapproval is based on things like he seems like a jerk, I get a sleazy vibe from him, or dating him makes it look like you don't respect yourself at all. Not things about his looks or money or anything shallow. It's like a "prevent rose colored glasses syndrome" if we think the other one is doing something stupid.

I can't help it I don't approve of him at all so I think she is smarter to not talk about him and I told her that.

I told her I just don't want to hear about it and to do what she wants. My reasons for not liking him are logical


Most Helpful Guy

  • no I don't think it makes you a bad friend...

    That said I think that you are casting judgement here in a way that is wholly WHOLLY unfair. You kept a relationship secret from her because you knew she wouldn't approve. You're not with that guy anymore which would lead one to believe that she was probably right about him not being a good bf...

    so now you are passing judgement not only on the guy but on her and saynig that her judgement is questionable. Well couldn't she say the same about you if she knew about the guy you dated? And couldnt' she call into question your judgement for lying (by omission) about dating him?

    I just think that we need to realize that people make mistakes and judgement on the outside looking in can be easier than when you are the person who has feelings for someone and may have blinders to some faults.

    I really don't feel like you are in a position to say that her judgement is questionable. she needs your support even if you don't support the guy... and questioning her judgement is fine but it doesn't mean that she can't possibly have any insight into other things.

    it's a "pot calling the kettle black" situations

    • I told her not to talk about it because I didn't talk about my guy basically I told her I knew you didn't want to know about my guy now I don't want to hear about yours either.

    • you should be supportive of your friend no matter what. she is your friend simple as that. support of a friend doesn't end because she is dating someone you don't like

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 2

  • Okay, this is an important question, and a skill everyone should know cause everyone is going to run into this situation at one point or another.

    First step:

    Make sure you don't like him for logical, REAL reasons, it looks like you have valid reasons so, you have that covered. Just keep a clear head. I've met many people in your situation and it turns out, THEY were the ones who had rose colored glasses. Keep a clear, logical head.

    Second step:

    Tell her how you feel about the guy she is with, but don't be angry, be clear, concise, and logical. Gather your points, situations in which he reacted selfishly or like a jerk are usually good ones to point out. Remember, do NOT make it seem like you're angry at your friend or the guy she is with. You cannot taint the conversation, or make her think you have some motive, by bringing anger into it.

    Third step:

    BE SUPPORTIVE. This is the most important step. The attitude you should take should be more like, "I may not like him, or this situation, but I DO like you, so I'm with you on each step. Just be careful."

    This is the best way to go about it.

  • On the contrary.

    When you are really interested in someone, you will often unconsciously refuse to see the red flags.

    Someone who knows you well and has no romantic interest will often see them, and quite fast.

    That's why it's a good thing to introduce your date to your best friends (those you really trust) quite fast.

    Before it's too late and you make a mistake.

    But you should not approve or disapprove. You should just tell her what she should pay special attention to with him, and leave her do the rest.


What Girls Said 1

  • Let me tell you this.You are not a bad friend,it's your own opinion.But I'd say you should stop this "telling your opinion to each other" because it really doesn't do any good.I have some shallow girl friends who keep commenting on any guy .And what if one day I really like a guy and they start saying he's ugly or something and I start to feel bad or unsure about dating him. OF COURSe,in your case I think your opinion is useful because it's about his personality.I gave an advice to my best friend when she was dating a guy for 5 months and I knew he wasn't good.After a year and a half he turned to be a jerk and so dangerous...for her life also. He even threatened me wtf. If she really doesn't want to hear you,all you can do is be there for her,support her decision and be prepared for the moment things go rough.

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