How should I proceed without hurting her?

There's a girl I met through the ex of my best friend. As far as he conveys to me through his ex (who was both our classmate, so we are kind of friends, too), this girl has a crush on me. While she does have some extra weight, I honestly believe her face is very attractive, she is great in personality, shy as I am, and we also have some common interests that I've never found in a girl. But to be totally honest -and no, this doesn't have to do with her body- I don't feel in love with her.

Last time I saw her was 6 months ago - my friend was still with his ex then. Recently, we somehow got into that topic about the girl that likes me. Since my friend knows that I've been very disappointed by all the girls that I've been with so far, he pointed out all those positives of that girl and said I should probably give it a chance, bringing into perspective the fact that he wasn't very enthusiastic about his ex at first, but he then fell madly in love.

Since they do have friendly relationships, he arranged for a meeting between the four of us. There, I saw she was still interested and decided to not be uptight and ask her out, something which she gladly accepted and gave me her number. I don't have any problem going out with her, but I do have some moral concerns. I don't want to be some a-hole, but if I'm to respect myself, I can't get into a relationship if chemistry doesn't develop in our dates, something that I know will deeply disappoint her. So, I'm torn; I don't know if it was a good move to reignite things. Furthermore, my friend's ex confided to me that she is very enthusiastic and I should handle it with care, something which puts even more weight on my shoulders. Of course, there's the chance that we'll click together, something I'm actually praying for!

What's your opinion?


Most Helpful Girl

  • I think this is the problem when friends get involved in your love life. Your friend seems to be pushing the relationship without letting you decide for yourself. That's what it seems like to me, at least.

    Here's the thing: when you start dating someone, there's always the chance that it could backfire or it could just not work out. Just because you knew of the girl and she's a somewhat mutual friend doesn't mean you shouldn't treat her like any other girl you'd date.

    And by expecting chemistry, you're not being an asshole, you're being realistic. If you don't feel anything, it's not just going to magically appear. Sure, maybe it will some day, but if it doesn't, that seems like an unnecessary gamble to put you and the girl through.

    If you want to date her and see where it goes, go for it. She should realize that that's what dating is…getting to know each other and see if it's something worth building on. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. She needs to be mature enough to handle that.

    • You are right. As a person, I'm very honest and straightforward, so if things don't work out, I'll be eager to explain to her why without messing up with her brain.

      Thanks a lot, your insight helps take some weight of my back.

    • You're welcome! Glad I could help.

      But really, though…don't feel so pressured. She's a big girl and is assuming the risk that things won't work out by dating.

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What Girls Said 1

  • Don't waste your time on what others might think is best for you. If your not attracted to her leave her be. She's a pretty girl you said I'm sure she'll find some one who is whole heartily attracted to her. Don't hurt her self esteem by going on a pity day me with her. That'll embarrass her. Just don't bother with the situation. Find someone who does it for you. If you date her you'll be unhappy again, and you'll be settling. Don't do it!

    • Thanks for your advice. This isn't about pity, though. I'll even admit I *do* feel curious for the extra curves on a sexual level! I just believe that all those common interests are worth the trouble, and I'm sure that if chemistry develops she will easily be the best girlfriend I've ever had.

    • True, also maybe not. If I was you I wouldn't bother. If the physical attraction isn't there from the beginning you'll just be going through the motions again. I personally don't think it's worth the headache or heart ache. Just keep her as a friend. You can't change what your attracted to, and if she ain't got it, then she ain't got it. You going out with her and breaking the news on a later time will just kill her self esteem.

    • Going off the other anonymous girl. Who to say she's not mature to handle it from what he wrote the girl seems to be enthusiastic about the situation, he's the one with all the hang ups weather to proceed or not, and clearly he'll feel bad if things don't work out it seems due to the fact I'm assuming they are friends and share the same circle. So you can't say the girl should be mature oppose to the QA looking for advice about it. I personally think don't be bothered if he has so many hang ups about the girl already. Being mature, is first realizing what you like and don't like, and not putting yourself in a regretful situation. Now he's attracted to her sexually, so if you just might want to explore that part then so be it, but don't think you have to put on a facade to feel like it's more , only to reach that goal, cause after you do that then what? You proceed dating her un happy?

What Guys Said 1

  • be upfront with her about your feelings, let her know where you stand. Honesty is always the best policy, and usually its the safest if your afraid of hurting her in the long run.