How do I stop feeling regret for all the insanely dumb mistakes I've done in my past dating life?

Especially the one where we both had feelings for one another but due to circumstances and personality flaws, nothing worked out.

For 2 years I worked with this guy. I liked him from the beginning but I stayed away from him cause he had a gf and a kid with her. For those 2 years, I even managed to convince myself that I didn't feel anything for him. Then at the end he became flirtatious and he began courting me and like a field duck getting shot I fell on the pond. By then I was jittery stuttery and blushing every time he was around me and that motivated him to ask me out for a cup of coffee as a friend. Idiot me freaked out and was so insanely scared, cause I had no idea what his intentions were that I declined his offer. I didn't do it in a nice way and he was so angry he sent his gf to my office to pick up his last pay check.

Fast forward, two years later, I talk to his sister who is my best friend and who is a psychoanalyst at the same time and she weeds the information out of me and idiot me, tells her what happens. I thought she was going to be angry at me or something or do some psychoanalyst mumbo jumbo of me looking for unavailable men and shit but instead she tells me that I blew my chances with her brother that at the time he was thinking of ending his relationship with his gf and that due to my rejection his relationship consolidated afterwards. I said to her that it was clear that he loved his gf and that she would do anything for him including jumping a building and then she told me that his gf got pregnant when he wasn't ready and had not agreed to having a kid and that she is a better judge to know her sister in law than me.

So now I feel like crap, like I was too much of a coward but at the same time I thought that maybe after 2 years I might feel better and not care, but I do care. I know its in the past and I should rub it off my shoulders but I still feel sad about that. Any advice?


Most Helpful Girl

  • You're being too hard on yourself. You can't change the past, so there's no use dwelling on it. Besides, you did the right thing by not going for a taken guy. Just because your sister says he was "thinking of ending his relationship with his gf" but didn't because of you isn't a reflection on you…it's a reflection on him not having the balls to end his relationship before pursuing someone else..a truly dickbag move.

    I'm also a believer that things happen for a reason. So, for whatever reason (namely because this guy sounds like a douchebag), things didn't work out. And you have to believe it's for the better.

    P.S. my sister is a psychologist and she does the same psychoanalytical stuff to me, too lol. Sometimes it sucks but other times it's great to have someone so objective around!

    • She is not my sister, she is his sister. Thanks for the support. Rationally speaking, I know that you are right but my heart hurts.

    • Oops! Sorry didn't catch that. That gives her a bit more validity, but still doesn't excuse him for acting the way he did. I'm sure it does…that's what sucks about feelings: even when you know they don't make sense you can't help it.

    • Thanks for MH!

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What Guys Said 3

  • There was a reason you did this, and if you look at it where he had a girlfriend and your respect for that refused yourself to allow anything from happening between you and this guy, became the reason you rejected him, then you should feel proud of yourself for not being the cause of a broken family, x

  • My love, this is the beautiful thing about life. Life will always give you opportunities to see your weaknesses and grow from them. You lacked the confidence, so life gave you a lesson to make sure that you address this problem so that the next opportunity you will seize. Without psychoanalysing you, you come across as pretty much a balanced person, just a few hiccups here and there.
    The reason your holding onto this for so long is probably because you haven't dated since... Or you've dated, but less than a handful of times and never with anyone you've genuinely liked.
    If you truly wish to move past this then I have a challenge for you.

    The challenge is simple,
    3 times a day you must say hello to a guy... ok?
    Then once he says hello back, ask how he is today.

    That is the only objective, after you've asked both of these questions then you must walk away. You will understand exactly why this exercise is important after 2 weeks, which is the length of time I'm challenging you to do this for. let me know your progress.
    Doctors orders.

    • I like your advice on saying hello to a bunch of guys on a daily basis and will keep you updated. But just so you know, saying no to him when he was asking me out, was one of the toughest things that I've done in my life. I really, really wanted to have a coffee with him... I just didn't know, if I was going to be able to withstand his advances and I didn't want to be the reason he would leave his gf.

    • And you were right for turning him down. Turning him down makes you a lady in my life. Having morals in this world isn't cheap and comes at a price. In my eyes your a good person... And my eyes is all that should matter lol :-)

  • Psychoanalyst or not, I think you were right about his gf and you did the right thing in staying away from him.

    Just because someone has a degree doesn't mean they know anything about people. I know some totally weirded out psychiatrists...


What Girls Said 1

  • It's nothing wrong with a innocent flirt! you didn't kiss him or anything so your good you feel this way because you still like him. He has a lot of baggage so its best to move on. Many men in the sea with no children that are equally hot!