Most Helpful Girl
- An IV, not 'a I. V.'
- A respirator, not a breathing machine
- His head and body WERE wrapped up, not was wrapped up
- The use of your pop culture reference (Darth Vader) actually kinda makes the writing comical when you want it to be super serious and sad, not funny.
You need to make sure that your grammar is correct and you work on creating the right tone and atmosphere but it could work out.