Can someone check and correct my poem if needed?


I see her every night,
Always in my head,
So airtight.
Nothing was unsaid.

It felt so real,
As if I've got a cinema in me.
Sometimes even tears
come into play, out my eyes it came fleeing.

High mountains I can see,
Wind combing my hair I can feel.
Walking towards the shore of the glowing sea.
The rising, round sun was then conceal'd.

She helped me get through my nights,
She was as sweet as ice-cream,
Was also as bright as the ceiling lights.
Her name shall and always will be -- Dream.


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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • 2nd paragraph needs a whole new direction.

    Doesn't rime, feels clunky to read and Cinema is definitely not a word you'll want to use, it removes any type of fluidity.

    The other thing that bothers me is the group of comparison in the last paragraph,
    -Sweet and ice cream
    -Bright ceiling lights

    I get the idea, but the last thing you'd want whilst sleeping is a bright ceiling light in your room.
    If you want to do the whole "Chassing shadows away" theme, you have to be slightly more discrete.

    As for ice-cream, really not sure where it came from.

    • Awaiting patiently for an update. Do you best.

    • what should i do then? I can't think of any word to replace cinema. and the last paragraph i kinda ran out of ideas

What Girls Said 1

  • I really like it, but I kinda feel like the cinema doesn't fit the theme

    • that's true it sounded weirdd but thanksss

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