Desire Knocking? I wrote another poem! Is it good?

Her Vision Blank,

His lips on her heart.

His blood Drumming,

Drowsy rhythms on her soul.

Sweet liquor pouring,

On his fingers.

Her mind frozen,

His name in the cold.

Built up tension,

A rubber-band outstretched.

Soft whimpers and drenched noise.

On his shoulders lay her ankles,

Waning down on black pole.
  • Omelette du fromage (sexy)
    Vote A
  • je suis monte (extra sexy)
    Vote B
  • Trash
    Vote C
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What Guys Said 1

  • Well the staccato feel makes it more-ish.. it picks up intensity near the end... Basically porn, in verse.

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    • LOL I was going for a sexy feel, definitely not like a porno. I'm dead lol. But if it can put anybody in the mood I tried to get them in i guess I'm a little okay with that. I'll keep working on it.

    • Also I really like your criticism! using descriptors like staccato, more-ish, intense, helps me better pick up on what makes it sexy and better improve my writing especially when I want to pick up on this tone again. I hope I see more from you in the future.

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