Critique my song lyrics please?

I'm really bad at this and I really need help, here is the message I've scraped together, but it really needs editing, if you have the spare time please help me out here, thanks.

Song lyrics:
What do you think, when I say what I mean.

If only I could wake up to find this has all been a dream.

I relate to the rain, and weary in the sun.

I, like you, stare down the barrel of a gun.

I heard what it offered and I'll admit it sounded nice

But I know better than to leave while soaking in my vice.

I could lie, and wallow in my deceit.

But life is where we all go to compete.

If I fail the consequences loom.

I fear I hear the tramp of a long heralded doom.

Scream until the pain is laid bare.

... let it rest, and soak in the open air.

The harsh realities will scorch its inner walls.

The fear will come boiling down it's bleached and hollow halls.

Petrified and lying awake.

I finally understand what i never spake.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • The rhyming thing is not necessarily the best way the right. You need to create ideas that you can string together into phrases, these phrases can have repetitive rhythms and melodies. All modern music is composed in a strophic form ABABCB something like a verse chorus repeated then instrumental section then finish with a chorus. You should study music, and analysis it's structure, to me it's all mathematics. Keep reading song lyrics, in context with the music, so then you know how many bars the verse will have, what the time signature is, Etc.

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    • Thanks, this is going to take a lot of refinment before it's even serviceable.

    • Yeah I like to encourage people as much as possible, even if it's crap, you know it's crap, keep writing, try and write fast too, don't get bogged down by writers block, just stick to theory and let the creative part flow into it.

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What Girls Said 1

  • What genre would it be?

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    • Alternative indie

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    • Thanks! You're right, of course, I'll bring this back when I've got it into a chord scheme. The feedback is greatly appreciated!

    • Got to put it to music to give it more meaning.

What Guys Said 1

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