I feel like a horrible mother?

Anonymous
I’ll try to make this short. I love my baby more than anything and have always done everything possible to make sure she had everything she needs. I would do anything for her. My (ex) husband, not so much. He didn’t work, and treated me like shit to the point I was severely depressed and drank a lot to feel happy (always made sure the baby was asleep first). The stress got to be to much that I checked myself into a respite facility to get a break from things. My husband did not want to deal with watching the baby and was leaving her with his family so he could go drink with his friends, and ended up sending the baby to my family member’s to stay, 3 hours away. I was there for 3 DAYS and her own dad couldn’t take her.
Then, I recently found out he was cheating on me so I left him and have been staying with family. I haven’t been able to get her due to sleeping on a couch, having no job (husband didn’t want me to work because he didn’t wanna watch baby), no car, etc. I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to get back on my feet, but I’m busting my ass. I’m doing everything I can to get a job and trying to find apartments available in the next few weeks. But, the family member my baby is with now isn’t going to be able to watch her, and is sending her to stay with family basically across the country. I gave permission because I’m not able to provide for her right now and with everything I’m dealing with, she needs something stable and doesn’t need to go through my problems, so it’s for the best right now. But I’m heartbroken. I keep blaming my husband but I know I should have done better. I don’t know when I’ll see her again and I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m not even a mom at this point. I miss her and she misses me, the last time I saw her we both cried our eyes out when I left and I felt like trash. She’ll be 2 soon and I now can’t have the really cool birthday party I was planning. I don’t know. I just feel horrible and don’t know what to do. Advice?
I feel like a horrible mother?
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