How do you carry on in life after losing a loved one?

A couple years ago now i lost my grandma to cancer. It was so hard seeing her suffer and be in so much pain and then finding out in the most undignified way but she was gonna die after the doctors decided to hold their meeting right next to my grans bed whilst we were visiting about how her cancer was incurable and that she only had a couple weeks to live.

I think seeing her in so much pain and eventually seeing my grandma fade away and forgot who i was because she was so drugged up was the most traumatic thing I've ever had to experience in my life so fair.

When she died i didn't cry and it just didn't feel real like she wasn't died. I denied my feelings and just buried them to stay strong in front of my family but in private i closed off all my friends stopped talking, wouldn't eat and would cry in the school toilets most days.

My teachers noticed my mental health was out of control but i denied it and made out the teachers were snowflakes and being over dramatic.

I still think about her everyday and all the things she's missed out on and what she miss out on in the future.

I never realised how much she meant to me till she was gone and as im getting older im realising how much we are alike in some ways. She died too early and i wish she could have seen what me and my siblings grow into.

My biggest fear is losing people i love most like my mum, dad, boyfriend and siblings but it's gonna happen and there's no stopping it. Im the youngest in my family too so ill probably have to watch everyone else die before me unless something unexpected happens.

I just can't imagine life without them people, they are everything to me and i can't lose them. They've all done so much for me and are massive part of my support system. Whenever im lost and in a bad place or need help they are they are there for me. I can't imagine going it alone without them.
How do you carry on in life after losing a loved one?
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