I love her and see us growing old together but the situation has been bad for so long.

My wife and I married young and have been married for 13 years. We have five kids together. I am good to her, changing diapers, cleaning the house, doing the grocery shopping, sitting home with the kids while she shops. I make good money and am the sole provider. I love her and she is my best friend. I tell her all of the time how beautiful she is and I mean it. She has never felt pretty, not once in the 15 years. The issue is that she never desires me. She never chases after me or initiates sex. She also denies me quite often, even when I have hinted around about it most of the day. She does not achieve orgasm from intercourse but I have always been able to please her with oral and love doing that. I would do anything to make her happy. I have made attempts to get her interested in finding a way to orgasm with intercourse but she is unwilling to experiment. She has never asked me to perform oral on her and uses the "I didn't ask you to..." excuse when I ask her to return the favor. For the last year, she isn't even interested in having me perform oral on her, even with me initiating. I get sex only after chasing her around for a week and I get like 2 minutes of head maybe once a month but only after complaining and begging. So of course none of that is any fun because I know she has no interest. Once a month or so she will masturbate after we have sex but mostly sex is quick and just for me. I can last a while but she just wants me to hurry up and cum. I hate it so much that I am thinking about looking elsewhere for sex. She knows I am miserable but does not seem to care. I love her and see us growing old together but the situation has been bad for so long. What should I do?

I have tried to talk with her about it many times. I approach it gently but she usually gets really emotional and irrational. She never mentions a reason so I think it must be low libido. Also I don't think she feels its a problem - selfishness?


Most Helpful Girl

  • Hi I'm the same anonymous girl as before (just need more room to type).

    1.Check your house phone bill to see who she's calling. link link

    2.She could also have an extra phone for cheating.If she can cheat once, she can do it again!3.Please don't ignore your gut instinct.

    4.Keep your snooping on the downlow.

    5.Here are some signs of cheating: new wardrobe,new exercise regime,secret phone calls,hidden bills, aloof and uncommunicative, seems preoccupied,stays away from home more often,mood swings,stories about their guy friend. link


    6.The main thing is to watch her actions and behaviours. Write down anything unusual so you have a concrete list of "odd things" that are occuring to form a credible case. I know this isn't a court case but its a good idea so you can say "well I definitely do have a point here, my intuition is right and I'm not being paranoid".

    7.Finally if you find out she is cheating, personally I would leave. Why give her a 3rd chance? But make sure you stay civil to her whatever happens for the sake of your kids. Don't get the kids involved in a tit for tat battle. Check out the links I've sent-I'm not married so I've googled some articles for you. However, I've seen married people being cheated on and what I would say is face up to the problem, whatever it is now. Because it won't go away-it WILL pop up eventually so why not just face it now. Make a decision about what you are going to do either way (when you get to this stage).


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What Girls Said 5

  • Oh no, I feel so sorry for you! It sounds like you have a good relationship apart from the sex.

    Unfortunately, it is impossible to guess at what the problem might be here. You said that she doesn't seem interested, but it seems strange that you can't offer any more information about why not. I think you need to start by having a calm, non-accusatory discussion with her about this. Tell her that you love her, but that this is a problem for your marriage and you'd like to solve it. Ask if there is some reason she does not enjoy sex. Tell her to feel comfortable about being honest with you. It could be anything from exhaustion, to stress about finances or family members, or your technique (maybe it is not comfortable for her), or her attitude about her body.

    I would also suggest seeing a counsellor.

  • Doe she show affection to you in other ways? Does she still love and adore you the way you do her?

    What I'm trying to get at is - is the sex the actual problem or is it just the symptom of something much bigger like her not feeling the same way about you anymore?

    This is the first question you need to ask - and you need to be sure about the answer.

    • Yeah, she hugs me when I come home and cuddles in bed. She's never been one to go on and on about her feelings like I do. Usually it is me telling her how much I like those jeans on her and what a great Mom she is and she'll reciprocate with a simple "I love you too" which leaves me wanting more. I know that she cares deeply for me (I recently had a health scare and she was very upset) but I do wonder if she might be more intimate (sexual or not) with someone else. :(

    • It's very possible she could be.

  • Well, if you have tried talking with her and that has not gone anywhere, I think you need to really push for her to go with you to a counsellor. This is obviously causing problems for both of you and you need to get it sorted out.

  • I am young and have never been in a realashion ship but I think you sound like the guy every guy girl whants.

    Her confidence may be low and she may have a problem with being In her birthday suit in front of you now because women are very insecure eaven more so as you get older. (I can't eaven look at my self that way let alone let some one eals)
    What you should try is take her out ones A while to a realy fancy restraint so she can dress up and put make up and kind of forget about her looks because she will know you think she is verry atractiv
    If all els fails go to a consoler and talk about it. It may be akword but it could help.
    Ps: don't cheat on or leave your wife
    I am in a family that recently my dad left and got a divorce. And my dad said he would keep in contact with us he slowly lost it. And it brakes me apart evry day (this has hapen reasently) but any way don't do any thing with out realy thinking of this are you in love with her or do u just love her?

  • It sounds like there's something wrong in the relationship. When a girl resents the guy she doesn't want him anywhere near her sexually. Do you do your fair share of housework and looking after kids or does she have to do all that?

    You said she doesn't feel pretty so you need to make her FEEL desirable. You need to romance her. Make her a meal or bring her out for food. Say that you'll massage her back after a long day-this will help her get more relaxed and more in the mood for sex. You have to become an expert on what SHE wants because once she's satisfied, she'll give you what you want usually. Whereas if you just keep demanding sex, she will keep on denying you!

    You need to sit down together and talk about. Ask her what she likes and doesn't like. She probably does have a low libido but maybe that's because she's looking after kids all day. Can you get a babysitter now and again so that you have the house to yourself? Get the babysitter for the day so she's not tired. Bring her away for a romantic weekend. I keep hearing that "date night" once a week helps keeping the spark in a marriage when they have kids too.

    She doesn't achieve orgasm through sex alone so would she be interested in you using a finger vibrator on her during sex see www.annsummers.com. You also need to look for positions to maximise orgasm and to see how to locate and stimulate her gspot. If you do locate her gspot, she will be a very happy woman! If you go to www.guardian.co.uk they have a sex therapist question and answer section so you might be able to pick up tips!

    I do think the lack of communication is the main issue but there are sex technique books that tell you to try a different position every week or whatever which could be worth bringing up to spice things up. Ask her whether she is satisfied with the sex right now and what she does want.

    Don't cheat on her whatever you do.

    • It's simple. Tell her how you're feeling and how he lack of response to you wants and needs is making you feel. communication is key! without it you don't have much of a marriage. She may have female issues that could use a GYN's advice. Some women lose their lybito/sex drive. lack of estrogen etc etc can cause this. if she no longer sexually desires you than you have a much bigger problem but in order to find out you've got to sit down and talk about it.

    • Show All
    • It must be to do with her then-is she cheating? Or just bored with her life in general? I know this sounds bad but maybe check her phone? Talk to her and if you still think she's cheating, snoop a bit! It's better to know than not to know

    • I used to think she would never cheat but I did catch her about 10 years ago. She swore nothing physical ever happened (I am not naive and have my doubts), but I do know that they were telling each other "I love you" over the phone. I have come to trust her again but you are right maybe it is time to snoop around again. I don't think she has the time though. That is the main thing I noticed before, she would disappear for hours. I have never cheated on her.

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