Help me feel better?:)

like give me jokes and such...i f***ing feel like crap :/ to many let downs for just one day.


Most Helpful Girl

  • A nun asked her class, What part of the body goes into

    heaven first?

    A little girl raises her hand and says, I know, I know, the top of your head.

    The nun asks, Why do you say that?

    The little girl says, Because when you die, you go straight up, and the top of your head goes in first!

    The nun replies, That makes sense, anyone else?

    Another little girl says, I know, I know, the tips of your fingers.

    The nun asks, Why the tips of your fingers?

    The little girl replies, Because when you put your hands

    together to pray, the tips of your fingers go into heaven


    The nun says, OK, anyone else?

    Little Johnny is in the back waving his hand.

    The nun says, OK, Johnny, please tell us what part of the body goes into heaven first?

    Your feet! Your feet do, for sure! yells Johnny.

    The nun, puzzled, asks, Why do you think your feet get to heaven first?

    Because I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night, and my mom was in there, and she had both her feet sticking straight up in the air, and she was yelling 'Oh God, I'm coming. Oh God, I'm coming!' and if my Dad hadn't been holding her down, I think she would have gone!


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What Guys Said 7

  • A redneck man takes his teenaged daughter in for a doctor's appointment.

    "Hey Doc, little Ellie Mae here has a sex problem."

    The Doctor replies with "You mean your daughter is sexually active at her age?"

    "Naw Doc, that's the problem. She ain't active at all. She just lies there n' makes me do all the work, jus like her mom!"

  • Jokes aren't effective in making you feel better, when I'm f***ed up, I watch whose line is it anyway, it's my prescription for daily laughter :

  • A man walks out into his back garden, and is horrified to see a gorilla lying in one of the trees there. He wonders for a moment what he's going to do, until he remembers that he's insured against this type of thing. He calls the company and explains his predicament. Half an hour later, a van pulls up outside the man's house, and the driver steps out.

    "You the guy with the gorilla problem?"

    The man nods, and brings him into the back garden, where, sure enough, the gorilla was still in the tree. The driver then heads back to his van, and returns with a net, a shotgun and a muzzled rottweiler.

    "Alright, here's the plan. You take the shotgun, and I'm going to unmuzzle the dog. Then, I'm gonna climb the tree, and shake it until the ape falls off. The dog's trained to bite the gorilla in the balls, which will paralyse it so I can easily catch it with the net," the insurance worker explained.

    "Okay, but what's the shotgun for?" the man asked.

    "Sometimes, I fall off the tree first. If that happens, you shoot the dog."

  • Man and wife are out shopping together, the wife sees some shoes she wants but her husband says "NO WAY! they are way too expensive" Later that night in bed he lays a hand on his wifes p*ssy, she says "i don't f*cking think so mate, if you can't afford to shoe the horse then you ain't f*cking riding it!"

  • A blond walks into a computer shop and says I would like to but some curtains for my computer, the salesman looks confused and says "curtains madam?" she says yes, helllooo I've got windows

  • This is my favorite lol

    A man bought his wife a car for xmas, "i don't like it " she said, "i want something that goes from 0 to 140 in 3 seconds" so he bought her a set of bathroom scales and said stand on that you fat b*stard


What Girls Said 3

  • There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door (which is just outside Guadalajara).

    As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance.

    As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.

    "Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke (Don Pedro). "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!"

    "You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.

    So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

    His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe! Pepe! Que pasa hombre?"

    With his dying breath Pepe calls out... "Ugh, run,amigo, run! ees not a Bacon Tree"




    ."ees... a...

    Ham bush"

  • Why are married women heavier than single women?

    Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go bed.

    Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge


  • One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other good night at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.

    With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, says to her, Honey, would you give me a blow job?

    Horrified, she replies, Are you mad? My parents will see us!

    Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?

    No. Can you imagine if we get caught?

    There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!

    No way. It's just too risky!

    Oh please, I love you so much?

    No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!


    No, no. I just can't.

    Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:

    Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom.


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