I have never had a boyfriend ( I'm 22) nor have any close friends- All of them moved away from state after high school and I am lonely most of the times. In college, I rarely talk to anybody and although I see some guys move out of their way to sit next to me or some may even may even talk to me, I feel like they are only talking to me to use my intellect ( as I am somewhat of a nerd, random high school girls have said nerd alert when they saw me sitting alone on the train), and I can tell from the types of girls that approach me, they are only doing so because I look too "nice and non- judgemental". I think about this too much and swear if I didn't have my mom beside me at home,i would have already done harmful things to myself.
I am sick of being the quiet, shy, awkward, clumsy, and nerdy college girl and frequently have daydreams of being this loud, flirty, pretty and party seeking college girl who have no problems attracting the attention of guys, then I would not be lonely and I would have excuses to leave my house and my rotten family.
My self esteem is at a whole time low and I feel like I am being so self destructive and putting myself down so much it's actually causing me physical symptoms and heartache.
Most Helpful Girl
I believe I know exactly how you are feeling. I too have battled with depression on my own, because the 'professional help' route is a very expensive one. Depression is a very difficult animal, you may be fighting it for the rest of your life, however your mother is not an idiot. I would much rather be a good person who is unattractive than a beautiful bitch that can't have anything but one night stands. I'm also in a similar position as far as friends, because I moved away and don't have anyone.
You need to reach out to people, join a club or introduce yourself to someone at a table in the cafeteria. Being in college presents you a wealth of opportunities for meeting new people. You can't just accept your depression, you have to fight it.
Also, there's something to be said for people who think they're average. Just because you're average from your perspective doesn't mean that others think you are. I have a friend who believes himself to be average, and that his brothers are much better looking than he is, but from my point of view he's drop dead gorgeous and the brothers are average