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I hate myself for this?

I am someone that people assume is never single and is hooking up with the hot guys but it's just not true.
People assume that I am too cool to approach or befriend when it's just not true.
People assume that I have no depth because I don't approach people first and I dress up but it's just not true
People assume that I am a foreign object that is unattainable but it's just not true
I fell in love with someone, yet people assume that I am incapable of those feelings and that I care about the guy's social status or something but it's just not true
Every time that I approach someone, they are shocked because I am seen as a snob for my silence and carelessness towards many guys
I really do things differently and I fell in love, hard
out of everyone in the universe, there had to be something wrong about it
I erased 2 years of my life and age when I spoke to him, I never lied, but I hid a truth by pretending it wasn't real
I am a crazy person for falling in love because I feel pain in many things and my idiot self thought that I wasn't good enough for him, so I purposefully swayed away so that I chose for us to end and not that it was my actual fault
It has been months now and I saw him the other day and my heart dropped. I felt pain and insecurity, I felt like an idiot for keeping secrets from him

I have no idea if he likes me or not
I have no idea if he misses me or not
I have no idea if he regrets knowing me or not
I have no idea if he sees me completely different then before
I just am so torn up because I really cannot like any other person, no matter how hard I try
I haven't hooked up or let alone kiss a guy since him and people assume that that is on my DAILY agenda
I am an idiot for letting people's idea of me define me when I dont know them
I am an idiot for loving someone who I had a different identity with
The 2 years that I erase were a huge part of my identity and now he probably doesn't trust me
I couldnt tell him that I was crazy
but i fucking love him
so?
I hate myself for this?
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