Husband calls to check up on me all the time?

This might get a little confusing, but I will try my best. Currently, I'm separated from my husband, who lives in another state, and he constantly calls me from his friend's phone or his mom's phone to check up on me. The only thing is that sometimes he will not call me at all, and then all of a sudden he will call me but only calls to speak to me for less than 5 minutes. This is EVERY time he calls. He also gets mad at me if I call him just to talk to him, and he will scream at me if I do. Now, we are not legally separate; we are still married. I had to leave because of his behavior was affecting our children, and I decided to live with my mother in a different state to see if he would change.

Let me give some history: I'm 9 years older than him, have 3 children (1 is his), he smokes weed a lot and has been caught using other drugs that I'd never do, lived with his parents (not fun as I'm too old to be living with parents), would fight a lot, he's very emotionally and verbally abusive, no communication really in our relationship, and there's a lot more but that is the gist of it.

Before I left, my 4 y.o. daughter found an unused condom in our clean laundry. He tried to say it was some other guy's, and then he said that it isn't the kind he uses. OK... totally doesn't make sense as we never used any, so I started thinking that he definitely is cheating; not totally sure though because he lies a lot too. So, now, that I'm gone it's probably much easier to do it, and I don't hear from him when he says that he will call. All of a sudden, he will start calling asking me what I'm doing, where am I at, where are the kids, if I'm out are they with me or who are they with, have I gone out with my friends, etc. It's crazy, and I'm starting to think that he's up to something because when he calls he will only speak for about 5 minutes and then he has to go. So strange, and so not like him at all. So, I'm wondering if there are any guys (or girls) out there who have been through this, and what do you think? It's really starting to get on my nerves because I'm just not doing anything, trying to get a job, get my kids on a schedule and into daycare, and he's partying it up it seems to me while I'm trying to get my life straight here. I was thinking about staying with him, but seriously I think that it might be time to just let him go. Also, I'm thinking that I should go down there when I get some extra money, get the furniture and stuff that belongs to me out of his mom's house, and not tell him that I'm showing up to see if he is doing anything. What advice do you have for me?

It's obvious that our relationship is up. I know for sure that I just want to go down there and get my things and put them in storage. Then, I will come back up here and file for divorce. I should have done that a long, long time ago, but I was hoping that he would change. It never happened and it never will. We also tried counseling, and he doesn't want to be a part of it. He doesn't want help; he doesn't think that he has a problem (with drugs, abuse, etc.); and I'm much happier without him.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I first considered telling you "think about it and decide what you want", but then I read the bit about the furniture and realized this is over, over, over.

    Make the break as clean as possible. That means getting your things without bothering to snoop. It means not caring, much less discussing, whether he's cheating or not. In fact, that's not your problem anymore. He's going to be your ex soon enough anyway. Let him go.

    It also means to stop answering his calls, and communicating with him through your divorce attorney. Not only is this just good practice, but it'll make it easier to create the distance you need to get on with your life.

    This isn't a sound marriage, and hasn't been for some time. You know this. He's not changing, trying to make it better, investing in it. If anything, he's doing the opposite. There is nothing whatever to be gained in prolonging this, no getting better. End it now.

    I am sorry.

    • I have seriously been contemplating this divorce issue for quite some time now, and, after the 3 minute conversation that I had with him today, it's so obvious that there's no love in the "i love you's" we say to each other. It is just a phrase being said because both of us know that it's over just we are too afraid to let say it. So, I guess this means, I have to be the one to say it. It is over and has been over for a really long time.

    • I'm sorry. It's so sad.

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What Guys Said 1

  • Good old side effect of tetrahydrocannabinol (THC)... Paranoia. I "tried smoking weed"... But I don't like things that manipulates or negatively alter my mental accuity... I consider paranoia as a negative effect of mental accuity. Anyhow, his paranoia perhaps manifests itself as a slight "jealousy" if you will? What I mean is his paranoi9a is perhaps leading him to the conclusion of you cheating on him. Unless you gave him any legitimate reasons to question your loyalty to him, it is all psychosemantical.

    Another thing I notice is an accute dose of something I am intolerant of: Double standards. I don't care if the chicken did not come before the egg, but for him to call you as you explained (IMHO, like a rabid wolverine with a metro pcs phone), YET gets pissed off if you call him?

    Both leads me to my own conclusion of this. Weed+guilty conscience(doing something he knows you would disapprove of, such as cheating)+his actions of calling you=He may be cheating on you, and are getting paranoid, and his paranoia compells him to prove you are disloyal as well. I am no psychologist, but I lived enough life and been through enough bullsh*t in my life to see that one comming.

    My advice, until you have concrete evidence of his indescression, it may be jumping the gun to lead into divorce. However separation can heal some of the wounds. Another advice baubel I can throw at you is perhaps family counselling. Perhaps you have some unresolved issues within your relationship. I don't know... I am no expert... I never been married and my longest relationship was a 5 year failed engagement... One last thing though, Should you chose divorce, I suggest that you have an air tight justification. Feel free to IM me should you have other questions... :)

    • Oh, Jinmetsu, I have to tell you about smoking weed, I don't like it much either. It's like tripping inside my brain. I have done other things, but weed is not my forte and I really don't do any of that anymore, as children are way more important and so is my life. As far as his cheating or possibility of it, I'm certain he is. I mean, the condom incident proved that to be true; he just keeps wanting to deny it. Like I said above to other person who answered, it's over & has been for a long time

    • Indeed... If it is done, it is, as... Nevertheless, I am just saying that you should have concrete evidence if you were to use infidelity as the basis of your divorce. Good show... I don't blame you.

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