Why do girls go back to abusive relationships?

I have been wondering and have herd it many many times that some women leave a relationship and then go back because of physical or any abuse for that matter. Why would any person subject them selves to on going abuse from a partner? I never undestood this thought. I mean if I had a woman who abused me best be I would say screw you I'm out!

Updates:
Reason being I like this woman and know she is in this relationship. It's been going on for 2 years. I'm reluctant to get involved with her for fear of her leaving me to go back to her old by who abused her. Sort of like damaged goods? I could offer her peace and happiness but it would seem she is trapped like and old dog in his bad habits. Like he's got her trained so well that I can't break the spell he has over her. What do you do... i don't want to be the fuzzy bear who listens to her.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • If it was that easy to leave an abusive relationship and never look back then no one would be in abusive relationships. The logical and smart thing to do obviously would be to leave but these women are manipulated and made feel like they will never find any one else so stay with their abuser. It's all to do with manipulation at the end of the day.

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    • Sounds like a man exertiting his will and dominance over a weak minded woman. Were he abuses her she leaves but soon he makes promises and then they get back together and the whole cycle starts again after a month or so.

    • Yep also called an abusive relationship.

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 20

  • I left a dozen times before I finally left. Part of abuse is making you feel alone, that no one else loves or wants you. They break you down - you are always wrong, you never do anything exactly right.

    Abuse never starts big, it's small things that get bigger while they tear alart who you are, make you doubt yourself amd everything you ever knew or believed.

    And leaving can be very, very dangerous. A lot of women are killed when they try to leave. And it takes money - new place to live being only part of it. You feel hopeless, lost, confused. You don't know who to trust and people are judgmental - they don't believe you or they say "why don't you just leave".

    If you actually care about this woman than let her know she's not alone. Help her find a way out. She isn't damaged, she's scared and feels alone.

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    • On point. I, too was in an abusive relationship. They do break you down to the point you no longer feel worthy or deserving of a better man. It also becomes difficult dealing with you because of how broken down you are and makes you feel like the only one who will be able to handle you is the one who broke you. It is almost like you have become their project and no one else wants to take on that project because of how much work is required to put it all together and how long it'll take to figure out exactly how to, when the abuser is the only one you feel can do that without having to explain to a complete stranger exactly how you feel or what is going on and doing your best to get them to understand when majority of the time they won't. It becomes draining have to repeat yourself and explain yourself. You end up looking crazy to others. Thats how I felt.

    • @ChevelleBaby I still feel crazy sometimes. And I have some triggers that make me hugely insecure that most people would never even worry about.

      Finding someone who is willing to stick with you through the insecurity and fear is tough.

    • I agree. It is definitely a difficult process to go through. Luckily, I found someone who so far is understanding and helps me through it. The fear that he may give up one day, is something I can't stop feeling. We will overcome this though and we shouldn't let no asshole make us think we are not worthy of anything. We got this!

  • I was in a verbally abusive marriage for 14 years and finally got the nerve to file for divorce last year. We have 2 children together and I was afraid to leave for monetary reasons and that I would loose touch with his family. I am now on my own a don't regret my decision. I just wish I could get my self- confidence back. I get lonely raising two kids by myself sometimes.

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  • So I mostly work with domestic violence victims and it really boils down to the psychological abuse. Abusers are very good at isolating their victims, and destroying their self worth, they're also skilled at making sure their victim either can't be independent or thinks they can't be independent. The cycle of abuse doesn't make sense to those of us who have never been in it but it's a very powerful thing, and by the time the person is in it, they don't realize it because it generally builds up slowly.

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  • There's still going to be a connection even if it is just from the females side. U become love blind, one of the worst things you can possibly be. U only see the positives of the relationship and all the mental and physical abuse can't get hold of u and tell u to snap out of it. It's like being imprisoned inside yourself and u can't snap out of the way u feel for the person and see reality, no matter how much people tell u.

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  • Because they are co dependent. The guy made them feel that only they can love him and he needs her...

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  • My first boyfriend was very abusive and I had a really hard time leaving him because 1) I still loved him and couldn't imagine loving anyone else and 2) I was afraid because it meant I was going to have to be homeless. Leaving him was unimaginably hard, I don't think a guy can understand..

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  • Habit and low self esteem

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  • Its a sickness. Professional help is required. Yea I know Psychologist sessions are not fun, but woman in those situations need all the support possible from professionals, friends and family, and those who truly love them. You need to have her seek for help, because you can't just impose help on her if she is an adult. Maybe have someone she trusts (a family member) talk to her. She needs to inform herself on what are the sign that she is being manipulated by an abusive partner.

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  • The scary thing is that sometimes they don't even realise it because they love the person, which is what keeps them in the relationship.

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  • Society shames them that it's their fault and also some of them have no where to go. Girl power, I was just talking to my little sister, raising her to be a savage.

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  • 4 reasons come to mind:
    They don't see/realize it as abusive
    They think they can't do better
    They think the person will chabge
    They got so comfortable they see it as ok

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  • Low self esteem

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  • Maybe cause they have history or they think they deserve it

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  • They crave attention like my mom.

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  • "We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve"-Perks Of Being A Wallflower

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  • It's not just women; anyone who has been in an abusive relationship feels a need to go back into another abusive relationship because they can't imagine their lives without it; they feel like something's missing even if it is worse for them. For example, my uncle grew up in a household with abusive parents and once he left, he married a selfish and bossy woman to make his life feel complete, and he continually takes up for her even when she hurts the rest of his family. Everyone maintains their roles in life throughout their lives: my mom's always been a caretaker even when she was little, and if she's not constantly taking care of SOMEONE, she feels incomplete.

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  • The abuser makes the person have low self esteem and manipulates them into thinking that they can't do better. If someone mentally abuse you, your going to believe the negativity they say. It takes time for a person who been abused to not think that they are nothing. Sometimes the abuser may shut everyone out who are family and friends to the abused, because he/she does not want anything positive in their life. Also they make theme think they have no one else but them.

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  • MY father was physically abusive to both me and my mother but he made us feel like it was completely normal. He only did it like twice a year but he would leave me with bruises. Mum wouldn't leave because she wanted to keep the family together and he made her feel like it was her fault for making him angry. I honestly thought it was normal because he didn't try to hurt me but he'd grab me to try and force me to listen or push me away if he'd "had enough" but never punch me. I think it's often the misconception of how often it has to be and what is classified as abuse that make women feel it's not bad enough to be Called it. Others are down right scared. Also you can still love them. I know my mum loves my dad and the heart wants what the heart wants.

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  • Many women have low self esteem, thinking they are unlovable. And the one person that can love them is unfortunately the person that abuses them.

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  • they like to be hurt

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What Guys Said 15

  • People have this vision of a spouse abuser in their heads. I know I did. Thought they were drunk, possessive control freaks. Evil pieces of shit. Then, in a perfect storm I became an abuser. My wife was a meek, mild mannered LADY. Then, she discovered alcohol. My timid wife would experience alcohol induced mania. Loud, obnoxious, hyper sexual, and confrontational. She would experience mania and blackouts with as little as 2 drinks. I didn't know the extent of her drinking at first. But when she drank she would get in your face and talk non stop. You couldn't get a word in. She would get insanely horny. At first it was a turn on because she was normally timid during sex. But, it became a turn off because it wasn't her it was the alcohol. God help me if I came home from a double shift, I was tired, and she was horny. There was no saying no or it would turn into an all night confrontation. She would either be embarrassed or have no recollection the next day. At first the abuse started with her stabbing me in the chest with her finger and me pushing her to the ground. Over 7 1/2 years the violence escalated. 2 to 3 times a year she would drink too much, become obnoxious, and domestic violence would follow. The next day she would swear not to drink again. Over that time she would be Baker Acted 3 times. The police knew us by name. Toward the end the violence would escalate quickly. Eventually, both of us sought help. The face of domestic violence was two professional people who love each other dearly.

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    • Damn. Do you like bill burr? Cos of the LADY thing. If you had sex with her would she calm down?

    • @JacobAS There were times when I came home exhausted. Nursing is a hard job and I need chill time when I get off. She would laying there glassy eyes telling me she "wanted some hard dick". She would never approach me like that sober. Total 180. So, my options would be to oblige her or have to deal with her if I didn't. Sounds cool until you realize that it was strictly the alcohol. Total turn off. Especially when she would not remember great sex the next day. So , I would shower, lay in bed look at the clock. 15 minutes of foreplay. Check. 20 minutes of sex. Check. Finish and go chill. Whether I wanted to or not. If I didn't oblige it would be an all night fight.

  • Some of them stay because the guy supports them and they don't want to support themselves or contribute when with someone.
    Others stay because they had kids with him and don't want the kids to not have both parents.
    Some stay because they don't want to admit to themselves that they made a bad choice in a mate and thinks he will change.

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  • Because they're not ready to have peace. I've yet to meet a girl who is not emotionally damaged, that decided to go back to an abusive ex. If a girl sticks around with an abusive guy it's because deep down she truly believes she is a piece of shit that deserves that treatment. There is no other reason. You only accept abuse less than your own personal self abuse. A girl in an abusive relationship probably calls herself worthless and has thought about suicide a time or too. So her boyfriend calling her a cunt isn't so bad in comparison to herself thinking she should die and it's only the fact she has a relationship that keeps her going. Even if the relationship is shitty.

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  • I think that often there's a combination of factors. A friend of mine has put up with some pretty poor treatment from a guy she is hooked on. Completely out of character for her. She's gone back on a number of occasions after finding out about his infidelity and after he dumped her to get back with his ex.

    They're 'together' again and he's just returned from a long haul two week holiday with his ex. I just don't understand why she'd accept that. She seems to want him so much because she knows other girls want him. He's clever and is full of big gestures, gifts, etc. Despite him supposedly being in a good position financially she's just 'loaned' him a large amount of money.

    For me this kind of thing is worse than physical abuse. Often the 'victim' isn't emotionally strong enough to recognise what is happening is wrong. Balance this with him saying all the right things and often she doesn't even realise she's being manipulated!

    I think generally women in these positions have never had anyone show them just how they should be cared for and respected!

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  • All to often they were raised in a home where dad abused mom. And that's how they learned the idea of 'couple and relationship'.

    Abused women bred abused daughters.

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    • Not true at all. There was no abuse in my home growing up and I was in an abusive relationship.

    • @StellaGreenEyes

      That doesn't make what he's saying untrue - he didn't say that all abused women come from abusive homes, but they often do. The same is true of abused men.

  • Its part of the way that the guy does it for example the typical domestic violence situation is a working guy, stay at home girl, the guy abuses her and she cannot leave because she docent have a job

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  • because the guys who abuse them know how to manipulate them and bring them back to a place where they can keep abusing them.

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  • Low self esteem and confidence

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  • they're stupid

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  • Fear they get threatened if they leave via murder.

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  • Because their stupid and don't know any better. Women would rather date a bad person who's good looking than an ugly person who's a good person.

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  • Because women are crazy

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  • girls love intensity. good or bad, just don't be boring

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  • Why are women so sexually attracted to bad boys? It's exactly the same phenomenon. And I don't know the answer.

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  • Because they want to be seen has the good person. When you are a victim you are a good person. Childish mindset

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