Why do people always say that "confidence is key" to attracting women?

I find that saying that confidence is the key to a girls heart is giving guys false hope. Being good looking and having a muscular physique are the keys to a girls heart. Why tell ugly dudes (such as myself) that being confident is the best way to attract women? It's only setting us up for failure. This guy who popped up in my YouTube recommended feed explains it. He's really dramatic about what he's saying, to the point where some parts are laughable, but it made me question why people say that when in fact, it isn't true.


(a quick Sparknotes of the video: Basically he says that telling guys to be confident is useless if they are ugly because it gives them false hope. They will get rejected anyway, because they are not attractive. He also states that in order to have confidence, you need to succeed in that area you want to have confidence in.)

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Low self esteem is the biggest turn off is why they day that. If it's all bravado, once it falls, and the girl liked that front, she won't respect him.

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    • false, i was very uncofident at some point in my life but i was still pulling chicks and good quality ones for that matter.

    • What's your secret?

    • no secret i take care of myself, dress nice and girls often tell me iam very good looking, i am not super confiden and flirty in fact if you talk to me you will find out that iamvery reserved and not the kind that opens easily when it comes to sex and escalating sexually, and while most guys i know choose to get to sex as fast they can i simply take it slow and escalate as i see fit.

Most Helpful Guys

  • Girls won't respect a guy that simply puts up a false exterior of being strong. It doesn't matter how good a guy looks. A girl will never stay with him if he's fake and relies on a facade. Girls want confidence in their men. That doesn't mean a guy isn't allowed to have insecurities, simply that a guy that covers his insecurities isn't trustworthy and girls will never respect him. Quite frankly being in a relationship where you aren't respected is far worse than being single. Feeling a constant condemnation from someone you care about is far worse than having no girlfriend. The status isn't worth it. Not even sex makes that kind of thing worth it.

    Never forget that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. A quick google search of "mismatched couples" showing pictures of super model women who are literally super models (as in that's their job and they're rich because of it) in relationships with very average men. Your looks mean nothing. If a girl likes you for/despite your looks then it doesn't matter if you're "ugly." If only to them, you are genuinely handsome. Confidence and a genuine lack of insecurity in your looks can make you VERY attractive to a woman no matter what.

    Looks matter only so far as initial attraction or the pettiness of the sorts of females you're better off avoiding anyway. Initial attraction (for the record) matters very little because physical attraction is something that women build up along with emotional attraction. The more they connect with you emotionally the more they find you physically attractive. That's just how life is. Thus... it's more so the genuinity so to speak (I know it's not a word but you know exactly what I mean), of a man than his appearance that matters to a woman.

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    • Those mismatch couples are bond together by either money or status then. You can’t be naive enough to believe that it’s because of their personality. Evolutionary wise, it makes no sense.

    • That's because evolution is a bullshit hypothesis that can neither be tested nor observed xD I can promise you that the woman had the status and the money AND the looks while the guy had none of the above.

  • It's not a lie. The trouble with guys like this is that they go too far to the extreme. The truth lies somewhere in the middle.

    Looks matter to an extent. Anybody who tells you otherwise is lying, and that's the other silly extreme. The thing is most guys can work on their appearance and become decent looking. You can eat good food, hit the gym or even just do bodyweight exercises and become muscular/athletic. You can dress well without spending a lot of money.

    Confidence is important also. A good looking shy guy will have a lot of trouble getting women too. Sometimes, guys who aren't that good looking but who have huge confidence can also attract women.

    Guys like this obsess over silly things. They say that in order to attracted women you need to be 6 foot or over, be good looking, have lots of money. None of this is true.

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    • But for the most part it is true. Girls look for three things. Looks, money, and status. One of the three is enough to get gorgeous women. Denying that makes you naive (not to be rude). Like this guy said, Brad Pitt can still get girls if he were to be shy. Cause many girls find him attractive.

    • Again I think that these are silly extremes. I think it's a little autistic to view it as simply as that. Those things help but they aren't the only things that women look for. There a guys with all of those things who are clueless when it comes to women. Women also want a guy with similar interests, with a good sense of humour, who is confident, who can take the lead, who they can build a connection with. Personality matters also. Plenty of guys with all of those things are ruled by their wives because they're pussies when it comes to women. They have no game. Between Brad and Angelina she wore the pants for that reason even though he had all of those qualities.

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What Girls Said 2

  • well only superficial girls are attracted to 'hot' guys, but someone who wants a real relationship will want a confident man, someone who has it together.

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  • A lot of truth in this, get so many needy, clingy women come to me about their guys or the guy they fancy, and they go about it all the wrong with with moaning, nagging, demanding, bullying and then wonder why he leaves. Why not, but be cautious about how you tell her so you do not lose a friendship. There is a great new group for Women only - free - on facebook - come and join in the latest topics - this week we are taking about would you stay with a cheat? Hear what the other women have to say and get their support of you need it. https://www.facebook.com/groups/279539472814109/

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What Guys Said 14

  • Don't know if he mentioned money and the look of having money. This is also important to most girls. "I don't care about money" yeah, the man you want had better not make only 26,000 a year (unless you're in a poorer area and a place where that money stretches really far).

    "I don't care about money" in my experience means that she wants a guy who "just happens" to earn 50,000 a year steady income (and she loves her job and makes about the same). And that's considered "poor" in my area. Average income here is probably $95,000 a year. That's when "money doesn't mean much to me" happens... because its easy to get it back and make more.

    Low self esteem is not good. Women don't want that either... so confidence IS important. But it's usually not this "magic answer."

    "Oh just have confidence!" "Yeah, let's use Tom Cruise as an example!" "Tom Cruise is confident. I rest my case!" He's also good looking, has a decent body (works out), so already, the point is kind of invalid... and my part: earns about 50 million per year and has all kinds of fame.

    Robert Downey Jr. He has confidence! (He's also a good looking guy, net worth at about 250 million, I believe, has job security (Iron Man for a while). He also had a well known father who had a decent amount of influence... so just being born, if he didn't screw it up too badly, would guarantee a lot of influence or success, at least for some time (even if he didn't have a LOT of talent that people see every day).

    "These pro baseball players... many are average looking, but they get hot wives! ::Or they earn (at the minimum) $535,000 a year AND work out, if they're not already decent looking to start with, and have some influence and at least mild fame.::

    Yes, ugly guys can get hot wives. Fat old guys can get hot girlfriends or wives. It happens "all the time." "MUST BE confidence (most of it probably coming from influence and money)."

    Even poor guys can get hot wives. It happens (Good looks and or... well endowed... or lots of influence that doesn't always translate to cash). Yes, there are other things besides cash and income in this world... Even guys without cash OR below average looks can get a gorgeous woman... there are usually exceptions to every rule. But it's not likely...


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  • He is assuming to be inferior in any situation he is in. There is a difference between being humble and loser's mentality. His extremal examples don't really convince me, either.

    How am I supposed to know that I'm not any good for the women around me if I don't chat them up? Do I cop out by default telling myself "it's no good, I look like a monkey"?

    I do agree with the part with the dating advisors' "be more confident" as an end all be all of every piece of advice to be bullshit, because they don't really specify what it means. But then he disregards confidence entirely (you can also see this in his examples) and contradicts his original point.

    Obviously, confidence and the way we feel about our appearance are correlated, but..
    1) the strength of (positive) correlation varies from person to person,
    2) looks is not the only thing that determines how confident we feel.

    .. sadly there are too many shades of grey if we start thoroughly analysing this discussion. It's much simpler to just think "black / white" and post videos on youtube.

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  • Ok. Because look at me. Beer belly and almost no teeth. My last girlfriend was 18 years younger than me and hot. Yes confidence helps a lot

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    • Not if you're unattractive... You sure she didn't date you because you had money and you were older?

  • Building up confidence you don't already have is just pumping yourself up falsely, and will eventually fall apart soon. Even Joe Cool's "GAME" will be seen through the smoke and mirrors soon, and the shallow women that bought into that B. S. will be left thinking WTF? But it's their own damn fault for being so stupid and shallow and not looking for a REAL GOOD MAN to start with !!!
    JUST SAYING !

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  • So, you'd rather take the opinion of one guy on YouTube as the truth compared to what many people who have lived long years of life already know? Your problem seems to be that you seem to link confidence so much with attracting women, but those who are actually truly confident will give about 0 seconds' worth of thought to whether their confidence can or cannot attract women. Stop worrying about attracting women, start thinking about the many things in life you can be good at and the many, many things you can achieve in your life.

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  • Theirs an actual science to attraction but simply confidence is an appealing quality that says your collective.

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  • Confidence is one of the big keys to everything you do in life. How do you think ugly to average looking guys are finding women? They know how to act and they know what to say. Say what a woman wants to hear and you are halfway there regardless of how you look.

    I am a ugly guy who started going bald in my early 30's. By 40 I had lost most of my teeth. I have never had much money to go around either but I have never had a problem finding myself a woman. You get that by having the confidence to know what to say and how to act and 'acting' is another key word here. Most guys are rarely themselves around women, they put on a show to attract the interest of women and women generally speaking will fall for it.

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  • Confidence is literally the only way you do ANYTHING in life...

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  • The less girls have to worry about the guy worrying, the more time they can worry about themselves

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  • Well in the end its much better to be ugly and confident than ugly and no confidence

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  • Girls much are less sympathetic to men that have depression, and anxiety. Basically women hate men that have emotions and such.

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  • cause women are lying whores
    they should be beaten into a bloody pool
    for their actions

    women are insane
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jC3ty9zwwPA

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  • People are naive... if you look unattractive (like me), if you're not rich (like me), and if you lack verbal seduction skills (like me) - confidence is useless.

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  • Confidence is attractive to women. It is a simple fact. It is the primary reason why "bad boys" are attractive to them.. even if their confidence is overblown, it is still present, and that is what turns them on.

    It is all very primal and goes back to the roots of human nature. Confidence means the man is secure and stable by nature. Women crave security and stability. Insecurity equals instability. Insecurity means fear. These are traits women tend to want to avoid.

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