If I don’t believe I am attracted to male chauvinist then why do I see something in them that I choose over other men/why don’t I recognize good men?

Anonymous
I was always the girl who didn’t think too hard about gender roles. I was one of the guys up until I was 14 so I always tried to believe that I could understand men. I also didn’t like to think about people as my enemies. I saw myself and the rest of the world as a team so I was inclusive in my views about the world, believing that men and women were meant to be each other yin and yang-equals. But my father raised me and my 2 sisters was a tight grip. I think he was afraid of someone treating us the way he treated every women he had ever met. So I didn’t actually date until I was almost 20 years old. My first boyfriend, on the surface, seemed to have a healthy respect for women. I felt that it would be extreme to say that he treated me as “inferior”. I often blamed myself for how he would react dismissively to my feeling and see myself as undeserving of the same respect I showed him. I felt like something was inherently wrong with me. Dating that boy scarred me and scared me away from dating for a long time, and my dad just kind of gave me an “I told you so” attitude that gave me this idea that all men acted like my ex or my father, and that I would never be able to avoid being mistreated so long as I was a straight woman. But when I really sat and thought about it, I realized the common thing that attracted me to my ex was his personality. I thought he seemed different from other men. And some how, he is no different than my dad-they both seem to have a common lack of accountability for treating women poorly. It’s almost as if they believe that mistreating women is an afterthought, something that isn’t bad so long as it’s done to a woman. They make excuses for their behavior because they seem to think of women with the same lack of compassion that someone has when they smash a bug. I love my dad so much despite how much I disapprove of his behavior, but how do I avoid chauvinistic men if daughters are subconsciously attracted to men similar to their fathers?
If I don’t believe I am attracted to male chauvinist then why do I see something in them that I choose over other men/why don’t I recognize good men?
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