I want to become friends with a female without being friendzoned. How can I do this?

Question

I recently screwed up an opportunity to meet up with a very attractive younger woman. She was initially very interested but I think my messaging came off as needy (and inadvertently creepy). We are still talking about in her last message she said she felt “weird” about meeting up. I think I’m toast now unfortunately.

I came to the realization this morning that the way I’m communicating with women is turning them off. My game sucks. Given that I’m getting older I can’t away with saying the same things I used to say at 25. I know that.

But I also am very careful to show I’m interested in more than friends. I want to set proper expectations and make it clear I’m not interested in the friendzone if I’m interested.

I don’t make sexually overt comments but if I think a girl is cute I’ll tell her. That’s what I did with the last girl I talked to. No direct sexual comments (to avoid sounding creepy) but I made it clear I was interested. And it didn’t work.

But this got me to thinking. The lockdown, where I live and just my lack of female extended interaction for the last 1.5 years (since I broke up with my ex) has fucked up my mind a bit. Yes I’m more aware of what I say. But still female intuition is very strong and when compounded with negative emotion (paranoia) I’m always just one misstep away from being labeled something I’m not.

I need to get used to talking to a girl every day. A true friend but not someone I’m attracted to or vice versa. Is it possible to find this?

Answer 1

Denial1984

Xper 2

My advice is to force yourself to regularly interact with women you find attractive. When you get that regularity down, your stress response will naturally fade. And you will come off as less needy. And each interaction will feel less make-or-break, less high stakes. And women will sense this.

One option might be to actually commit yourself to a context/environment where you are sure to regularly be around women you find attractive. That way you can't even chicken out. Like working in a bar or club. Or taking yoga lessons. Or whatever. Obviously this is kind of theoretical during a major pandemic. But hopefully someday.

Asker

15 d
Yes I had that environment a few years ago. But my job, where I live and the pandemic itself has made this 10 times more challenging.

I feel like complete shit about how I handled the last girl tbh. I almost apologized to her but in retrospect I didn’t do anything wrong. I was honest and she’s a legal adult in her early 20s. Still I feel like crap. Frustrated by how I came off as needy.
Asker

15 d
Good advice though. You get what I’m talking about.

Answer 2

Asker

Yes I had that environment a few years ago. But my job, where I live and the pandemic itself has made this 10 times more challenging.

I feel like complete shit about how I handled the last girl tbh. I almost apologized to her but in retrospect I didn’t do anything wrong. I was honest and she’s a legal adult in her early 20s. Still I feel like crap. Frustrated by how I came off as needy.

Answer 3

Asker

Good advice though. You get what I’m talking about.

Answer 4

leahzrc | 658 opinions shared on Girl's Behavior topic.

Yoda

you wanna be friends without being friends? well the only reasonable answer is to not befriend someone if you dont wanna be friends with them

Asker

12 d
You misread what I’m asking (and the question was admittedly a bit confusing).

Ever since my last breakup and especially the lockdown I’ve had very limited interaction with women. I need to get used to socializing with them again on a daily basis. I need to make good friends with one or two I’m NOT attracted to just to get used to how they think/behave again.

This isolation isn’t good for my social skills. I just need to get feeling comfortable around women again.

Answer 5

Asker

You misread what I’m asking (and the question was admittedly a bit confusing).

Ever since my last breakup and especially the lockdown I’ve had very limited interaction with women. I need to get used to socializing with them again on a daily basis. I need to make good friends with one or two I’m NOT attracted to just to get used to how they think/behave again.

This isolation isn’t good for my social skills. I just need to get feeling comfortable around women again.

Answer 6

Agape93 | 674 opinions shared on Girl's Behavior topic.

Master

You want to be a friend but you’re concerned about being considered a friend only?

Asker

15 d
There can’t be any attraction on either side. Actually @denial1984 hit it on the head below about what I’m trying to get at. I just need to get comfortable positively interacting with women again. Just be more easy going and carefree.

Answer 7

Asker

There can’t be any attraction on either side. Actually @denial1984 hit it on the head below about what I’m trying to get at. I just need to get comfortable positively interacting with women again. Just be more easy going and carefree.

Answer 8

laPrincesitaRoxi | 91 opinions shared on Girl's Behavior topic.

Xper 7

Try going for woman from your own generation, you’ll definitely click with an older woman like yourself because you two Will get each other more

Asker

15 d
You know I used to think the exact same way when I was your age. But as I’ve gotten older I have found that men and women mature differently and it’s not always “maturing” in a good way.

I’ve tried dating women close to my age in the recent years and i can tell that it has been some of the worst experience I’ve ever had in my life. I usually do best with women who are in their late 20s or early 30s. But not many of them are single. My last girlfriend was 26 when I was 37.

Anyway the last thing I want to come off as is a creepy older guy. But when I had some very positive past experiences with younger women then I’m trying to hit the middle ground somewhere.

Just for the record I said nothing overtly sexual to this young girl other than telling her I thought she was very cute. She did agree to meet up initially but her schedule changed and I was just staying in contact.

I’m not going to apologize because I really did nothing wrong. I’m fine with just calling it off. But if there is any method to reverse that “creepy” feeling I inadvertently left with her (other than not contacting her) I’m open ears. I just don’t like leaving it off as that. But again I never said anything overtly sexual.
laPrincesitaRoxi

15 d
No you age the same Guys just lie to themselves And have a superiority complex.
And ohh that’s not too bad than I don’t see the problem with late 20’s :)
And just don’t be suggestive and try and just be more honest with your approach don’t
Try and hint honesty will go a long way
Asker

15 d
That’s what I did and no I don’t have a “superiority” complex. I have to be confident though. Problem is some younger women LIKE older guys while others are very quick I turned off by them. So approaching them is a huge gamble. Either very rewarding or very risky.

I’m not going to contact that girl again but I just don’t like how it was left off. I’ve met her in person and I’ve known her for 2 years by the way. We chatted over Instagram during holiday break. She didn’t respond to my last message (I know she read it) and it’s left a big pit in my stomach. We both know the same people and I just don’t want to leave it off like that. But I feel “apologizing” will just validate her fears when I really didn’t do anything wrong. I was both playful but honest as well. I just hate being in this position.

Answer 9

Asker

You know I used to think the exact same way when I was your age. But as I’ve gotten older I have found that men and women mature differently and it’s not always “maturing” in a good way.

I’ve tried dating women close to my age in the recent years and i can tell that it has been some of the worst experience I’ve ever had in my life. I usually do best with women who are in their late 20s or early 30s. But not many of them are single. My last girlfriend was 26 when I was 37.

Anyway the last thing I want to come off as is a creepy older guy. But when I had some very positive past experiences with younger women then I’m trying to hit the middle ground somewhere.

Just for the record I said nothing overtly sexual to this young girl other than telling her I thought she was very cute. She did agree to meet up initially but her schedule changed and I was just staying in contact.

I’m not going to apologize because I really did nothing wrong. I’m fine with just calling it off. But if there is any method to reverse that “creepy” feeling I inadvertently left with her (other than not contacting her) I’m open ears. I just don’t like leaving it off as that. But again I never said anything overtly sexual.

Answer 10

laPrincesitaRoxi

No you age the same Guys just lie to themselves And have a superiority complex.
And ohh that’s not too bad than I don’t see the problem with late 20’s :)
And just don’t be suggestive and try and just be more honest with your approach don’t
Try and hint honesty will go a long way

Answer 11

Asker

That’s what I did and no I don’t have a “superiority” complex. I have to be confident though. Problem is some younger women LIKE older guys while others are very quick I turned off by them. So approaching them is a huge gamble. Either very rewarding or very risky.

I’m not going to contact that girl again but I just don’t like how it was left off. I’ve met her in person and I’ve known her for 2 years by the way. We chatted over Instagram during holiday break. She didn’t respond to my last message (I know she read it) and it’s left a big pit in my stomach. We both know the same people and I just don’t want to leave it off like that. But I feel “apologizing” will just validate her fears when I really didn’t do anything wrong. I was both playful but honest as well. I just hate being in this position.

Answer 12

ManHater

Xper 6

Lol good question.

Asker

14 d
@denial1984 had a very good response to this. It’s the right response. But unfortunately it’s a very difficult thing to do right now.

I just need to socialize with women more.

Answer 13

Asker

@denial1984 had a very good response to this. It’s the right response. But unfortunately it’s a very difficult thing to do right now.

I just need to socialize with women more.

I want to become friends with a female without being friendzoned. How can I do this?

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