Guys with self esteem issues?

Why do guys with self esteem issues think that they don't deserve a girl and will end up hurting her? I don't get it. My friend really likes a girl and knows that the girl likes him as well but won't take the step because of this reason? Me and other friends tried to talk to him about it but he has apparently taken his decision. He is really sad and low but still won't try to be happy with her?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I had this really bad. When I was younger I had as close to zero self esteem and self confidence as you could get. I had Hyperhydrosis of the hands which meant my hands would sweat. I filled one of those small dixie cups in less then 2 min, that is how bad. I closed myself off from the world. I never really had friends. How could I have a girlfriend If I can't hold her hand because she would be grossed out.
    the first woman I found that wanted me I married. We were together 25 years but in a hugely co-dependent relationship. I knew she could do better then me so I let her make all the decisions, I gave up everything I liked that she didn't, I did everything she wanted to do... hoping that would make her happy and never leave me. well that didn't work. I did finally get a decent therapist that helped me a lot. What truly made a difference was online dating. if I unhide my profile I will have multiple women within 2 days to chat with. i can have a date or more within a week. out of 9 real dates (that went to at least a 2nd date or more) I slept with 4 of them. 3 on the 3rd date and 1 in place of the first date. My self esteem and self confidence skyrocketed. But because it was at zero it is at a healthy level. I just broke up with a woman at the beginning of Feb and my thought when I decided to finally end it was "I can just find someone else". I had another date set 2 hrs after making the call to break it off with her.
    There really isn't anything you can do. He has to be willing to make the move. he really should talk with someone. It is really bad if other women friends of hers are telling the guy "look she will say yes if you ask"...
    the biggest question I have is "why hasn't the woman asked him out?" You want to do something to try and help him... have her go after him. there is nothing hotter then a woman making the first move. first kiss, asking us out, making the first sexual advance...
    her going after him could be enough to change things...

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    • Do you think he will say yes? If he would think that he doesn't deserve her, he will still say no

    • It is hard to say. It really depends on just how depressed he is. But if she goes after him and makes the first move (s), he sees that it is possible for a woman to actually want him. That could be enough to at least get things moving. there won't be big progress unless he sees a therapist. but I know that when I had a couple of women I dated just kinda come after me, they grabbed me and kissed me first. they suggested sex first and made it clear they wanted me. I know it really made my confidence go up big time...

Most Helpful Girl

  • maybe the guy who thinks he is not good enough for her, know it deep down.

    I have had many experiences, where I, a woman, just had to let go of many potential partners, because I knew that WE WOULD NEVER BE GOOD FOR (AND GOOD ENOUGH) FOR EACH OTHER.

    If you know that it would do more harm than good to be with someone - then it is not a self-esteem issue, rather a WISE DECISION FOR YOURSELF AND THE OTHER PERSON INVOLVED.

    Maybe you could be reading this guy wrong, or maybe he generally lacks a true belief in himself, the answer to your question is in the question.

    And you cannot talk to the guy about him, he has to go on this self-discovery journey alone, to realize his own worth.

    Focus on yourself and your own relationships.

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    • I am not trying to fix him or anything, but why does he remain so sad and low then?

    • maybe he just likes to be the sad guy, it is part of his appeal, and he likes girls like you to make a fuss about him... who knows? Are you addicted to his sadness? He likes that, you are making him famous.

    • Lol. I am his friend. And he likes some other girl. And no, he hates being sad. But it's like nothing is going right in his life so he is quite sad and low since a long time

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 11

  • Sometimes, we just don't want to cause anymore emotional damage to people.

    Sometimes, we don't want to risk being the ones to get hurt.

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    • sometimes, it could be both?

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    • haha :P But why would you think like this? If the girl likes you, then there's no reason to hold back.

    • Well, I'm a sociopath. Romance gets complicated for me.

  • We sometimes think because we can't lift ourself up that in the end we will let our girlfriend or friends down so because of this we don't take the risk. We are scared we won't be able to step up to the plate that we will make the wrong choice or call and ruin someone's day, week or any set thing so out if fear and the slim chance we would make that persons life harder we don't the risk and rather wallow I'm self potty and sadness

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    • It's hard to understand people. It's sad to read how some people can sabotage their own happiness. :(

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    • It's a great thing. I wish he understand it :)

    • Point it out to him

  • Because we are also afraid of being hurt as well as hurting them

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    • Can I ask how you will hurt her if you are a good human? :)

    • Yes however depending on the person they may not even answer or deny/accept what you are saying

  • self-esteem problems are ALL from the inside out... as in the person has to eventually fix themselves.

    All of the positive encouragement from outsiders, won't remove the self-esteem pit said person is in.

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    • It certainly seems like so. But he is basically sabotaging his happiness

  • Can't speak for ya friend
    but from personal experience... its not that I'm gonna hurt her, it's that I'm just not good enough and she is settling. . thus ruining her own life.

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    • Why would you think like that if the girl likes you?

    • because of low self esteem :P
      it's hard to describe... but basically ya doubt folk... someone says they like ya = they must be joking
      or ya think they deserve better than ya

  • How is your friend in other social situations? Like if you and your friends were going to a party. Or out for lunch or a movie. Out anywhere.

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    • Forgot to add. Would he go? Would he say he'd go and not show up? Would he flat out reject any invitation?

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    • But people HATE professional help. Unless he won't realize it on his own, I don't think any of us should even point it out. It will make him feel more bad, I guess.
      Yes, he seems pretty depressed at times. He has already said that he will decline her if she ever made a move.

    • That's what I said until he makes the decision to reach out for it, he won't accept professional help. No it's best it's not suggested about getting help.
      If something like what you said in your story happens again. You could suggest he ask her out. When he says 'no because of this and that' Change the topic. Don't try and talk him into asking her out. Because that will just re-enforce his negative traits.

  • these issues are just hard to understand for people, who donĀ“t have them. i think the best you could do for him, is get him to go to therapy :/

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  • Guys are as Human as girls are - we can have low self esteem issues as well. But unlike girls, guys have this thing where if they have some sort of problem that's bringing them down then they will probably newer talk about it, because they've been socially conditioned not to for their entire lives.

    It could be a case where he has something to say but he is ashamed of that thing AND of the fact that he wants to talk about it but can't due to fear of being judged. This is honestly and advantage that girls have since they can speak freely about their feelings - guys not so much.

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  • Depression is a hell of a thing

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    • Self esteem is different than depression, I guess.

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    • Yeah. He sounds like it. and he also sounds like he's in the stage where he prefers being depressed. He chooses to

    • Sometimes depression clouds our mind.

  • i guess that guy should boost his confidence :-)

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  • The answer is in the question. Self-esteem issues. It's especially true if girls have been one of the causes of said self-esteem issues. We look ourselves and think "what would she want with me?" Or we are fearful that she'll hurt us as well.

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    • But if a girl likes you, don't you think she must have seen something special in you? :)

    • Maybe, but it depends on the guy. The key is that HE doesn't see what she finds attractive. He may know that it's there but he doesn't feel it. He doesn't feel that it's what sets him apart from other guys for her.

What Girls Said 1

  • Maybe you can talk to that girl and persuade her for the first step.

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    • Yes, I can, but what if he rejects her by thinking that she deserves better?

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    • ermmm, how are you going to boost your friend's self-esteem by telling him that both him and his fancy is ARE CUTE, but far from beautiful? Thanks for making my day! *laughs*

    • Sorry but I mean you provoke him and say him good things about she and him

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