What's in the past should stay in the past. Do you believe this, or do you keep contacting people from the past, or "missed opportunities"?

I had a male best friend for almost 3 years but I had to stop talking to him because I fell for him and he is in a long-term relationship and I'm certain they will get married. I don't know if he is happy in his relationship or not, but it doesn't seem like he is. He wanted to talk to me all the time, every single day. Called me all the time, talked to me about everything. he even said to me so many times that I'm the only person he can talk to about personal things. We became really good friends. I cut him off over a year ago and until now he'll call me or text me every 3 to 4 months to "catch up". I Just don't see the point. we can never be friends again. i'm in a relationship with someone else now. I told him this a few months ago, but again he called me recently cus he wanted to know how things are going.

To those of you who keep contacting people from your past.. what's the point? Do you do this when you're feeling lonely? What compels you to contact someone who is just trying to move on?

I have to admit that I still have feelings for him, but I'm trying really hard to move on with my new boyfriend..
i also want to add that I told him why i had to cut him off, so it's not like he doesn't know how I feel about him. he knows how I feel and he said he only sees me as a friend so I don't understand why he can't just move on.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Wow, this is complicated. I am a 37-year-old man, married for the second time, with two kids. I am also friends with practically every ex except my first wife. Oh and by the way, my current marriage was "open" for awhile for medical reasons. (It's since closed.) In short, jealousy in my marriage is rare.

    I have always, for the most part, stayed friends with my exes. I have a business relationship with one, where I copy-edit her writings, but I would really do it for free. My wife is also friends with most of my exes.

    Motives vary for staying friends with exes. Some are subtle, some are sinister and some are totally above-board. But I'm an empathetic guy and I value relationships first. To me, it doesn't make sense that someone who was once the center of your universe isn't counted for ANYTHING in your world. This excludes abuse, of course. Most broken-up couples need a "cooling-off" period of little to no contact, but down the line, whatever.

    My first wife thought I should say goodbye to the women from my past. My defense was: "Why should I cut off a dear friend for something that may or may not work out?" Eventually, she convinced me to do so. Well, here's what happened. One of those exes died and I didn't know about it for years. Another never forgave me, even after my divorce. And of the three that did forgive me, I always regretted cutting them off in the first place. Recently, one of these women committed suicide and my current wife and I both attended her funeral and were heartbroken. I was so grateful we established contact again prior to her death and we were all close.

    It doesn't really matter what I think -- you're going to do what you're going to do. If I could do it over again, however, I would have never married my first wife. I still had feelings for the ex before her -- strong ones. But she married someone else. Feelings are there for a reason. Maybe you're not ready to be in a relationship with your current guy. But only you know the truth.

    • thanks for your response and for sharing your experience. I told him that it's okay for us to catch up every few months, but I can't be friends with him again. I still have feelings for him and if we start talking again I know it will get worse. He was also very flirtatious and would talk a lot about how he was really attracted to me, which I thought was disrespectful to both myself and his girlfriend. Maybe in your case you actually did just want to be friends with your exes. This guy isn't even an ex of mine, we were just friends. I guess if my feelings ever go way for real, only then we can be friends, but only if he can control himself and not talk to me about his sexual attraction for me. He made our friendship very confusing.

Most Helpful Girl

  • It familiar. You already have an established relationship so its easy to "catch up" but if he respected you he would allow you to move on and do the same himself. In that same way you need to do the same. You answer the phone when he calls. You respond to the texts. If you don't want to have him in your life anymore you have to choose not to talk to him in all ways. Block his number. Or ask yourself if that is really what you want to do. Are you waiting for him to tell you he has feeling and wants to run away with you? There must be something that keeps you going back as well as him. I had to tell my guy friend of 8 years that we could no longer speak and that was that. It was hard and yes I thought about him and our friendship but it was what had to be done and now its okay. I have fond memories and my life has moved on

    • Thanks. I guess I didn't want to completely close that door when he reaches out to me. Plus we have mutual friends so I didn't want to completely ignore him. But yes you are right it is best to move on. Unfortunately he obviously isn't, but I am definitely better than before.

    • Good luck. Its never easy to have to say goodbye to a friend

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  • I avoid the past.


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