How do you not take things personally during a fight?

How do you not take things personally during a fight with a guy your not dating but getting to know romantically and he’s clearly angry and not thinking rationally? Any tips?

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25

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  • Create space. A disagreement doesn't need to be personal or irrational. In most cases it absolutely shouldn't be. But a lot of people don't know how to engage in an open and honest discourse without getting hurt or being hurtful. Too many broken homes and vicious bickering between opposing minds celebrated in every form of media. It's just not taught. Did you know that we used to televise debates on extremely polarizing topics, even when there wasn't an upcoming election? That's how debate clubs got started. The ability to discuss in a rational manner any topic under the sun is the sign of the finest critical thinking. Wisdom is the ability to entertain a notion, even when you disagree with it.
    As I was saying, create space and time for you each to stop considering your own point (s) and ONLY consider the other person's point for a while. Don't think about yourself or your point at all, think about him and his point. Ask him to do the same. Put yourself in their position fully. Try to make their argument FOR them. Step into their shoes, as they say.
    You'll know when the time is right to continue the discussion.

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    • Do men sometimes say the opposite of what they mean

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    • He has ptsd and gets upset easily

    • It sounds like he is saying the opposite to get my attention

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What Guys Said 24

  • When talking try and talk about a feeling and behavior, without pointing fingers... because its likely more true anyone doing whayever your trying to discuss would effect your feelings, but also realize somethings people just think are part of who they are, and they may be. Or behaviors learned in early childhood that were helpful then, but are becoming problems as an adult. Stuff like this is hard to face, and you can't force it to happen. If its stuff like that it best left to a professional to help. I lost a girlfriend because of something like this. We had some problems, sort of simple looking yo me, that triggered her emotionally... i couldnt bring anything up with out an irrational argument, i just finally had to accept she felt attacked by my attempts to talk about something between us snd let it go snd go on from there. didn't really work out... i dont think she felt emotionally safe with it left unresolved.. and distance just built, since we coulndt talk, like we had when we met.

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  • Why shouldn't you take whatever he says personally?

    If he is saying things because he is angry, he may say something that he later regrets. It is better to declare a cooling off period before resuming the discussion.

    I had a girlfriend (now ex) who would respond by saying, "Can we finish this discussion pretty quickly, because I'm really feeling horny and I'd like to get to the makeup sex." Many of our disagreements ended with VERY brief discussions.

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  • The best way to keep calm is to listen to what is he saying and answering normally, without any shouting or agressive gesturing. That way, you will be more calm and understand the situation.

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    • Yea I didn’t do that. Now he’s not responding to my texts. He probably needs space.

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    • "Space" can mean anything. I'd say reach out in the morning, but you two should talk on the phone, and you want to set boundaries. Be calm, and if he explodes you should seriously think if this guy is someone who you want to be with. Getting personal in an argument has potential to get to the point of abuse, so keep that in mind

    • Couldn't agree less.

  • By creating space between you and letting things calm down.

    Perhaps perspective will show both of you that things weren’t that bad and rational will return.

    Also by ensuring each person is heard and understood helps avoid these flare ups in the first place.
    People get mad because their needs are not being met and they are not being understood.

    However, you’re not even dating yet and already this guy is flying off the handle and there’s drama?
    I’d see this as a red flag if I were you.

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    • He has ptsd. It’s not intentional. He knows what he’s doing. He needs a lot of space.

  • Well usually depending on who I have the fight with, if its someone intelligent then the one who is right wins, otherwise I really don't value your opinion and if I don't value something its worthless.

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    • I’m giving him space so I guess I win and he’ll get the point

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    • Maybe. It's hard finding the right partner and if the one you have is the one you think is right for you then of course you wouldn't want to lose them.

    • Also he’s used to getting sluts and I come around and say no no no. I think he doesn’t know what to do lol 😆

  • I'm sorry but I don't believe that's possible. You can try understand why he is being frustrated and angry. You can try look at it from a 3rd point of view and detach your emotions and feelings towards it but doubt you won't feel something about it. Best way is to let him cool down and you go about your normal routine. Eventually both parties will cool down and sometimes forget what the exact problem was.

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  • How I personally find ways to not take something personally, that's a little awkward to say, is I tried to take walks and cool my head. With a previous relationship I had whenever we would get into an argument she would keep me trap and confined in a spot and it would only escalate my feelings in a light that I did not want it to be escalated in. Men sometimes need to just take a walk and cool their head

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  • Well i don't take things personally because i don't go personal when in a fight. If someone does go personal just to win an argument then you shouldn't be with that person. Some things should never be brought up in a fight and if they are then it can get toxic quick. Set boundaries and respect the other person's boundaries

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    • So if he’s not texting back. Give him time to cool down.

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    • So you think that statement was meaningless basically don’t read into it. He’s looking for attention.

    • He even said one time he’s like a child who craves attention

  • No, don't take everything personally. When we are angry we become mean so we can say some things that hurt. If he feels bad after saying anything bad.
    But if he doesn't care and keeps on doing so then leave him for your self respect

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    • He calms down

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    • Your welcome and gudluck

    • I think he’s in thinking mode too.

  • You just have to tell yourself not to take it personally and understand they probably don't mean it

    It's not easy. It doesn't always work, but you dont have anything else

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  • Just remember that he didn't mean it. That he's being irrational, that he's not thinking straight, that he's saying things just to say them

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  • If he's getting personal with his vitriol, you should take it as it clearly is.

    Perhaps he should be the one to come back apologizing to you so that he learns to not be an ass.

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    • I texted him but he’s not texting back. Do you think he’s thinking

    • @Imw123 let him cool off for a bit, wait for atlease couple of hours or days

    • No clue. But if he was being a jerk and you go running after him, that's positive feedback encouraging more of the same. You ok with that?

  • Don't poke at the person, if he isn't talking leave him alone. If he wants to he will come to you.

    It is hard to enter into any dispute and not be offended, but you can try by considering yourself outside the box so to speak. If you think of everything as not really about you then it may not touch a nerve. but this is really not easy and is not the way to go if you can't contain your own temper in heated arguments or shouting matches.

    But honestly , nobody needs to be associated with a person who argues a lot or over irrelevant things.
    Calm and cool should be what your going for. Nix anyone with bad vibes.

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  • Good question! I take EVETYTHING personally... I know I shouldn't... because its said in the heat of tje moment.. but I do...

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    • He’s not texting me back. Do you think he is thinking and needs space.

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    • He has ptsd. He’s not being himself.

    • Hun. I was a Major.. I've been in combat. Over half PTSD is mis-diagnosed... but if its genuine.. You being there isn't cobstructive.. and safer if you aren't... episodes typically don't last long snd are genrally brought about by heavy drinking sessions, stress.. or arguments.
      Stay away for a few hours. Let him message you. Seriously, if this petsists, leave him.

  • Just know that anger words are not real words. I learned not to get offended though the thought of "I honestly don't care"

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  • Anytime anyone says something out of anger you should write it off unless it happens consistently, people aren't rational when heated.

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    • He said I’m not right for you at all. Does that have to do with him and his fear of rejection

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    • Don't contact him for 2-3 days, if he messages you or anything respond, but keep it radio silent for a bit. If after that silence you still have the same issues, move on.

    • Actually I don’t think I should take anything he says personally. He has ptsd and isn’t thinking rationally.

  • Are you sure you're not pursuing a lost cause if he's making personal attacks on you?

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  • I just don’t start an argument at all. Try compromise

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  • I don't really get it. You're in love with a guy that doesn't like you at all?

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  • Just don't. Also, don't fight

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